After Visit to "Cantina," Tojo Clings to Life

[Ed note: Cantina is kaput. Unfortunately their owner died and we wish his family the very best.  However, Jalapenos has opened in the space and they provide complimentary chips/salsa and fast table service.  Jan. 23, 2013]

So anyway, this morning the GumpPhone lights up and as usual it's the Cornbread Carp. Apparently one of the Guinea Pigs went to the new Cantina Tortilla Grill* in the Alley last week and lived to tell about it, so the Carp (who always gets his way) decreed that the Cantina was cleared for a full review by Lunch in the Gump.

Like so many redneck tragedies that start out "hold my beer and watch this shit," today's LITG review doesn't end well, and something tells me that a particular Guinea Pig, the one they call "Squeak," is going to lose his job over this. Yes, his furry little head is going to roll.

A gentle giant, when properly fed.

Thinking everything was safe, I grabbed my old pal Tojo Yamamoto and set off up Commerce Street to the Alley so we could check out our newest Mex joint. As loyal LITG readers know, Tojo is a man of very few words, and absolutely no articles, conjunctions or linking verbs. Tojo would sooner disembowel himself with a dull samurai sword than utter the words "and" or "the," or use a complete sentence, or speak in anything but the present tense, or refer to himself in the first person. But maybe that's why we all like Tojo so much... he uses his mouth as an insertion point for food and not for blathering on and on about meaningless crap like the rest of us do.

"Tojo hungry," he said. That's about all you're ever going to get out of Tojo.

We made our way past the intimidating pastel pink facade of the Rushton Stakely firm, walking in the middle of the street due to the never-ending sidewalk construction between there and the posh offices of 2WR Architects & Partyboys, LLC. This particular sidewalk project has been going on for so long that many of us downtowners wonder if it isn't really the Outer Loop, or a super-colliding superconductor, or maybe pyramids they're building. But I digress, as always.

Cantina is stylish & tasty, but over
the Tojo Line, pricewise.

Tojo was smiling, bowing to everybody and rubbing his impressive belly in anticipation as we entered the very stylish Cantina. He looked around. He sniffed the aroma. "Tojo like," he said. The Carp, Shadow Pup and Norm Peterson were already there and gave us the protocol. At Cantina, you order at the bar first, then find a seat and they bring your food out to you, pronto.

Tojo pondered the menu and as you might imagine, he was drawn to the category "Big Plates." His eyes narrowed at the $10.95 price tag, somewhat over the Tojo Line, but we all knew what was happening. If you bait a trap with something called "Big Plates" you will catch Tojo every time.

The big man ordered Cilantro Chicken from the "Big Plates" part of the menu. The dish was described as cilantro-marinated chicken breast with roasted corn, poblano peppers and saffron rice. Tojo was all over it. With tea and tax, Tojo's lunch tab came to $13.97, but since it came from the "Big Plates" category, he shrugged and forked over the dough.

About this time we all felt a strange rumbling, and the whole Cantina began to vibrate, as if a freight train was making its way through the Alley. Before the Cantina's patrons could panic, though, Tojo put them at ease. "Tojo miss breakfast, stomach empty," he said. We were relieved there wasn't a seismic event occurring in the Alley, but worried nevertheless because none of us had ever known our large Asian friend to miss a meal under any circumstances. Our boy was really hungry.

Luckily (or so we thought) they got the food out quickly and the gang dug into their excellent tacos, cuban sandwiches, garlic fries and such... but Tojo was crestfallen. Yep, it was a "Big Plate" all right. Big enough that the puny little dab of food on that plate looked like the Hawaiian Islands sitting in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, as seen from the moon.

Visibly distressed, Tojo looked around the Cantina in hopes that a server would bring the rest of his lunch but alas, it was what it was... a scrawny little boneless Paris Hilton chicken breast sitting on top of a couple spoonfuls of rice with a little canned corn and maybe six or seven small bites of bell pepper thrown in.

Running out of options, Tojo had no choice but to immediately ingest the Cilantro Chicken, a process which took maybe ten seconds. But the rumbling didn't subside. Near panic, Tojo ran back to the counter (to the extent Tojo can "run") and ordered chips and salsa. With tax, that was $3.30 more! DIOS MIO!! Three bucks for chips and salsa in a place called "Cantina?" Tojo was out-of-pocket $17.27 and hadn't even replenished the 300 calories he had burned walking his big ass two blocks up Commerce Street to get there in the first place.

Tojo went pale and his eyes rolled back into his head, then he slumped over. The Cantina fell silent, except for the lingering tremors of Tojo's hunger pangs and Shadow Pup's incessant yipping. The paramedics were on the scene in a flash, but damn if they didn't have to call in a second unit because it took two gurneys to get Tojo out of there.

One particularly quick-thinking paramedic ran down the Alley to Saza's and commandeered somebody's Rigatoni Bolognese (the $16 dinner portion, I think) and was force-feeding Tojo as they wheeled him out to the ambulance. Also, one of Jerry Kyser's crew happened by with a refrigerator dolly and helped load him up.

Anyway, Tojo appeared to be coming around when the ambulance pulled away on Commerce Street, narrowly missing a gaggle of Beasley Allen secretaries who were walking in the middle of the street because the sidewalk can't seem to get paved in two year's time. Sheesh, you can put a man on the moon but you can't pave a half block of sidewalk so that legal secretaries don't get run over by paramedics hauling ass to keep a Japanese rassler from starving to death.

Oh, and if anybody has seen "Squeak," tell him he needs to see Bidgood Bob ASAP.

[Ed. Note: 9/1/2011: Today the Cantina served a very nice chicken bisque which went well with the steak tacos.  Fine if you are not someone who needs tons to eat at lunch...like Tojo.]


* Footnote: Seriously, Cantina is a great addition to the Alley. The food was excellent, the decor is as cool as the other side of the pillow, it's fast and they should do a great business once the liquor license comes through. They need to work on portion size relative to price, in our opinion, or maybe it's just the early-stage baby steps. We'll be back... next time for margaritas, drunk-talk and secretary-chasing. 


Also, Tojo is recovering nicely. Luckily, Chris' Hot Dogs, Scott Street Deli and Hamburger King were all on the way to Jackson Hospital and it looks like our boy will be okay. The only problem was Blue Cross, which balked at Tojo's dietary needs... at first.

Fearless and Expendable: LITG Debuts Elite Recon Squad

Gump Guinea Pigs hit the salad bar at the barracks.
Waiting for a mission.

Today the Lunch in the Gump Secret Committee (they know who they are) announced the formation of the Gump Guinea Pigs, an elite unit of first-strike commandos dedicated to keeping the Gump safe for gastronomy.

The "Pigs" are dedicated to the memory of LITG co-founders Doyle B. Cooper, who perished in a freak accident with a Chris' Dog, and Theodore "Ted" Binion, who was tragically smothered by a Sundown East hamburger steak.

The Secret Committee made the final decision to establish the Pigs after three veteran LITG reviewers nearly committed suicide after a trip to newly-opened Momma Nem's.

"They never shoulda sent us to that joint," said long-time gumper and Momma Nem's survivor Fat Clemenza. "We didn't know what hit us. We coulda been wiped out."

In a press release, the Secret Committee announced that henceforth any newly-opened restaurant will be visited first by the Gump Guinea Pigs before any formal review by Gump regulars. The Pigs are specially trained for rapid deployment, reconnaissance, escape and evasion. They are highly intelligent, resourceful and exhibit a fearlessness matched only by Gurkha warriors and short drunks with Napoleon complexes.

The typical Gump Guinea Pig mission is to enter an establishment, evaluate wait time and competence of staff, sample the menu, assess pricing, check for roaches and such, settle up and then haul ass to the extraction point for debriefing later at Gump HQ. Each Pig must also demonstrate a hardy constitution and the ability to survive spoiled meat, canned vegetables and surly waitresses.

"Hell, in my last job I had West Nile Virus injected directly into my bloodstream," said the Pigs' commanding officer. "I think I can handle a little bad Chinese."

The Secret Committee also announced the Pigs' first assignment, a successful recon mission to Harper's, the new downtown eatery in the space formerly occupied by the Regions Bank cafeteria. Harper's is operated by the Culinary Arts Department of Trenholm State Technical College. LITG's resident elitist snob, Chase N. Allpots, said of the Harper's mission, "If ever there was an operation that called for courage and expendability, this one was it."

Well, at least your tax dollars aren't
being wasted on fancy signage.

At Harper's, the Guinea Pigs learned, among other things, that the main entrance to the old Regions Bank is sealed, so you have to go around back where the drive-thru used to be, then follow the rather inconspicuous signage and take an elevator to the 2nd floor, then down a half-flight of stairs into Harper's. At the de-briefing it was also revealed that the place is only open on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then only during certain parts of the TSTC academic calendar.

One key bit of intelligence uncovered by the Pigs was that Harper's is a favorite of Judge Roy Moore and his staff of fundraisers, bodyguards, yes-men and flunkies. This valuable information was relayed to long-time LITG reviewer Tojo Yamamoto, who adheres not to the Ten Commandments but to the Three Essential Truths, which are:

1) We are all going to die;
2) When the IRS wants their money, they are going to get their money; and
3) A man will do just about anything for food or sex.

"Judge Moore make Tojo uncomfortable," said Tojo, with his usual brevity.

Lastly, the Pigs found the food at Harper's to be quite good and reasonably priced. High praise was given to the Chicken Pontalba, a New Orleans favorite, and the gumbo was well-received. The cornbread was judged to be Carp-worthy. Tea and water glasses remained filled and the Pigs were in and out in less than 30 minutes. The post-action medical examination of the Pigs (24 hours after each mission, no exceptions) revealed full gastrointestinal function and no ill effects.

Thanks to the Gump Guinea Pigs, the Gump regulars now feel safe to do a full review.

Fine Lunching Above the Tojo Line at Michael's Table

Before I get started I want to first commend to you a nostalgic remembrance of long gone fine lunch restaurants in Montgomery (before it became "The Gump") penned by one of our classier members: Whig in a Blanket. You can access this well-written piece above or by clicking here.  Actually, It was my recent luncheon at Michael's Table in Zelda Place which brought Whig's tome to mind.  In Michael's Table restaurant I may have indeed found a place to the WIB's liking or, at least, some place that may hold a candle to the revered "Elite."

It is, alas, not a place for my dear friends Tojo, Cornbread Carp, or Show Dog. Their tastes and budgets run counter to a restaurant with metal forks that do not bend with slight pressure, a wine list, table cloths and prices over the $10 so-called "Tojo Line."  But recently my colleagues  Bama Bing (a financier) and Doctor NBA (a practitioner of the healing arts) joined me for a leisurely luncheon at the table of chef Michael Hochhalter at his cozy little restaurant tucked discreetly out of the way in the Zelda Place Shopping area on Zelda Road. They, Reginald McLucid and "Whiggy", certainly have the education, breeding and funds to occasionally splurge on a $14 lunch despite some recent challenging economic times.  As you know from prior posts, I have experienced a slight downturn of fortune which has resulted in my taking a sabbatical from my Club.  The silver lining of my self-imposed exile is my discovery of a few fine places to eat that I may have missed by force of habit. Michael's Table is certainly one of them.

Recently, the establishment was well patroned primarily with groups of present or former Miss America contestants. A few gentlemen were sitting in the back area where I joined my chums for glasses of port while we considered the eclectic choices.  The Michael's Table menu offers everything from Mezze (hummus, cheese, tzatzki, tomatoes and relishes) to Tuna Nicoise. Not your average "meat and three" fare eh? My associates ordered the Machaka Beef Burritos and purred satisfaction over their wine.  I tried the Judy's Chicken Salad and found a very fair portion of chicken salad served on a fresh slice of cantaloupe and a bed of lettuce.  Not only delicious and filling but reasonably within my dietary constraints.  The meals came with pita bread and olive oil dipping sauce for about $13 each. Sorry Carp, no cornbread or butter. A little pricey for some tastes but well worth it to someone with a little extra time to enjoy a real lunch prepared by a fine chef.

I am so delighted they are open for lunch and in my view the prices keep out the riff raff.  Sorry, if I have offended anyone. Perhaps I had one too many tots of port.

Bama Bistro with Coratio Sauce!!

Bama Bistro to Go!

Back where I come from we sometimes eat fish for breakfast. I know my fish. Also, given my problems with gout, I have had to cut back on my extravagant lunch habits and my consumption of carbohydrates. These two ideas collided today with the idea of trying "Bama Bistro" again but, this time, ordering the grilled Tilapia. I hate to brag, but I believe I out-ordered the entire Gump today. That means you Whig in a Blanket! And, as a convenience, I ordered it to go so I could dine alone on my private lunch patio deep in the cool depths of the Gump.

This is what greeted me when I opened the Styrofoam:

Shown on my personal dining patio (doesn't everyone have one?). Fancy tablecloth not included.

When you order the grilled Tilapia from Bama Bistro and Chef Coratio is behind the grill, you are going to get a freshly grilled piece of fish AND a made from scratch buttery sauce with Tarragon (?) that rivals anything I have had in a while. For my sake, due to the low-carb diet, Chef C omitted the rice and substituted collards (with real ham hocks) and green beans, both of which were NOT from a can. Being a legal alien, I am not really sure what a ham hock is so I took a picture:

A "hock"

If you do not like "hocks" in your collards, go to an all you can eat buffet where the collards are poured out of gallon-size cans. To me, a hock in your collards or beans means "home cooked."

The price for this feast (with diet beverage) was just around $8 with tax. Well below the Tojo line. I would recommend calling ahead, however, because the entree really is cooked to order and it takes a few minutes to prepare. But today I enjoyed a nice chat with the patrons while waiting and learned a lot about why representing women in domestic relations cases is a pain in the.....(but that is a whole different story).

But while waiting I did learn some good news: Bama Bistro now has a liquor license and serves breakfast (for $3.99)! I love a nice tot of Jameson with my fried eggs don't you? To top it off, they are talking about opening on weekends too.

Bama Bistro's phone number is (334) 240-6938. It is located at 15 Commerce St. next to ServisFirst Bank (the old Colonial Bunker).

They are truly locally owned and deserve our seal of approval (which is a surprised-looking carp):

No offense Cornbread.

New Poll: Gump Winter Olympics Medal Count

There is something going on in the Great White North relating to snow and ice.

Here in the Gump be sure to vote for for the presumed Country of origin for your favorite Gump "cuisine" in a new poll posted on LITG today! I am P.O.ed they did not list my favorite: Japan! Such is life in the Gump. Poll closes in 2/22/MMX.

Example 1: BBMAK likes goat curry at India Palace she should vote, duh, for INDIA!

Example 2: Fat Clemenza likes lasagna at Corsinos, he should vote for Sicily...er ITALY!

Example 3: Tojo like Green Papaya fried rice, vote THAILAND!

Example 4: Cornbread Carp likes Martins cornbread, he, she or it votes: USA!

Example 5: Burned-out "Statey" likes Tokyo MSG but since Tokyo serves nothing like Japanese food and, like the Shiba Inu in me, must choose some country other than Japan, vote CHINA!

Example 6: Show Dog likes the Chile Poblano with the head on at La Zona Rosa, he votes: MEXICO!

Get it?

Follow the only medal count that counts here on LITG. May the best Gump cuisine win!

SP

Originally posted at http://www.lunchinthegump.com/

National Signing Day in the Gump!!

[Montgomery] Gump University has announced its 2010 "Fighting Luncheons" signee class. According to coaches and staff, this may be the finest recruiting class in the history of the Gump. “These men and women will make you proud to wear the butter and gravy!,” said Head Coach B.B. Bing as the commitments rolled in at team headquarters.


According to staff reports, the following have faxed in signed agreements as of 3:15 p.m. C.D.T:


1. Tojo Yamamoto: OT: 6’5” 390 pounds from Kyoto, Japan. Yamamoto was a highly recruited lineman known for the Tao of his commentary and his “stomach claw” hold. Although known as a "gentle giant," he is very quick with a post. He was recruited by all the major Oriental schools. He is rated a five-star by Urban Spoon.


2. T. C. Carp: Linebacker: 6’3”, 220 pounds from Chisholm, AL. “T.C” is a strapping cornbread -fed city-boy who reviews a lot a film before exploding into the face of his readers. He plays with a huge chip on his shoulder, coaches say. Needs some work on his spelling grades and may be a partial qualifier. He chose the Gump over offers from Arbys and Country’s Barbequue. He is rated as a three star on Urban Spoon.


3. Peter Clemenza: C: 6’0, 395 pounds from Corleone, Sicily. Affectionately known as “Fat” Clemenza, Peter caught the eyes of scouts with his quick draw and love of Canole’s. A true expert on Italian/Sicilian food, Clemenza will shore up the line of any eating establishment. He turned down offers from the Olive Room and Carrabas. He said GU made him an offer he could not refuse. Urban Spoon shows him as a solid 2-star contributor.


4. Reginald McLucid: TE: 6’4”, 210 pounds from Nigeria. “Reggie” is a highly touted receiver of various barbs. He is quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. He is said to have a strong cocktail move. He is said by his coaches to be a real team player. Prior to GU's offer, the biggest schools on his trail were Duke and East Carolina. Why? He was born in Nigeria, picked up blogging later than most prospects and started for only two seasons. He is a 2-star prospect according to Urban Spoon.


5. Beau Diddley: FB: 5’11, 230 pounds from Opp, AL. Diddly is known for his aggressive blocking in clearing the way for others to enter crowed areas. He will probably start immediately in a lineup depleted by the departure of Benny Binion and D.B. Cooper, both of whom played in the background. Diddley was recruited by Huntingdon as two-sport star. He is rated a 4-star on Urban Spoon.


6. B. B. Mack: End: 5’8”, 175 pounds from Prattville, AL. B.B. led the Lions to several state championships despite size and weight issues. Scouts like her speed and quickness and her ability to mix it up with larger players. She turned down offers from Boston College and many other Eastern establishments. B.B. played sparingly her senior year and but is projected to be more of a contributor to GU in 2010. She was not rated by Urban Spoon.


7. John E. Younger: C: 6’0, 290 pounds from The Gump, AL. Younger was another of GU's signing day surprises. He was a powerful tackle for a struggling Class 4A team who simply overpowered most of the defensive linemen assigned to beat him. He's not big enough to play tackle in college, though, and GU coaches believe he'll settle at center. He's fairly mobile. Younger is an extremely bright student who is expected to enter GU's pre-law program. Urban Spoon rates Younger as a two-star recruit. He is unrated by Scout.com.


8. Mimi Furst: OT: 5’9, 108 pounds from Albertville, AL. Furst is pure speed. She outclassed all of the kick returners in junior college by simply blowing by them on the outside. On her best days, Furst was unstoppable because of her unusual acceleration. She's listed at 108 pounds, but plays bigger on tape. She looks like a very strong wideout. Furst intrigued plenty of West Coast teams, but GU and AEA were the only BCS programs outside the Pac-10 to offer a scholarship. She's something of an enigma. Urban Spoon rates her as a four-star recruit, though Scout.com bestowed only three stars. Misses practice a lot.

9. Morris Cornpone Grits. ATH 5-11, 185, Gump Central, AL. You already know by now that GU loves recruiting high-school quarterbacks. Grits is in that group. He was a fast and creative play-maker under center. It's clear from watching tape, though, that his future isn't at quarterback. Guys like this can turn into a wideout, kick returner, cornerback or safety. Where will Grits settle? Defense seems like the most likely destination. Urban Spoon.com and Scout.com rate him as a three-star prospect.

10. Kent T. Lost. Mascot. 5-6, 200, Myrtlewood, AL. Known by all at the stockyard as "Lost," Kent somehow found someone capable of sending a facsimile to GU accepting a scholarship never offered.

11. David Bronner. CEO. 5-10, 190, Somewhere, Minnesota. David impressed Wall Street for weeks, maybe months, with his adept investment moves until he bought an airline that promptly declared bankruptcy. Known for his chains of green-roofed restaurants throughout Alabama, Bronner is considered a prize recruit to any program that depends on generating paper profits from a cash cow.


12. Darla Jean Pupanovich. Tailback: 2-6, 35, Animal Shelter, AL. A little small for a big time program, "Shadow Pup", as she is affectionately known in the Gump, is one of the quickest and fastest posters available this recruiting year. Why, she is so fast that pictures of her running are blurry due to the Doplar Effect. She is expected to be very elusive running behind a front line of giants like Tojo Yamamoto or Fat Clemenza. If she can stay healthy during a long season of gorging at marginal restaurants, she is expected to contribute greatly. Urban Spoon currently rates her a 5-star despite her diminuative stature.

Quite a recruiting class....

Carping the Center for Commerce Cafe

[Ed. Update: 12/12/2011: Today a re-visit resulted in a warm cornbread muffin that actually melted the butter gecko.  Big improvement.]

You may have noticed all the big new expensive-looking buildings in the Gump with green roofs. The green roofs are the trademark of an upscale cafeteria-styled restaurant chain by the name of "Bronner's" financed by the retirement accounts of all of our friendly "Stateys" (you know, people who work for the state). Recently, the LITG gang (Tojo, B-Diddy, Show Dog and Cornbread Carp) decided to visit the Bronner's at the Commerce Cafe which is located, naturally, at 401 Adams Avenue in the first floor of The Center For Commerce. The allure was the chance to lunch at the restaurant where the owner, David Bronner, eats his lunch every day he is in Montgomery surrounded by his adoring minions and amongst his cash-cow Stateys. We were indeed fortunate for as we grabbed our trays and utensils, there at his usual "reserved" table, sat Dr. Bronner himself pontificating about this and that while his loyal subjects nodded in agreement and tried to finish their lunches before Bronner walked away from the table.

When you eat among state royalty you expect a higher qualify of fare than the usual crap we normally eat back home at the trailer or at the typical Gump greasy spoon. B-Diddy, a huge fan of the place, was impressed. He ordered a hand-shaped burger from the guy at the grille who used to run "Choo-Choo's". He raved that is was one of the top burgers in the Gump and then, for good measure, dropped the name of former Alabama defensive back Jeff Tackle Block, one of the most fussy eaters in the Gump, as a person who "loves this place."

But, as we all know, there are two sides to every entree and story. My story is not so satisfying. You see I, unfortunately, made the mistake of going to the "meat and three" table and ordering the pork loin with cornbread dressing, turnips and a cornbread muffin. As my pen-name suggests, I have a thing for cornbread. I like it so much I can almost try to make it myself. When the otherwise tasty looking muffin was tonged onto my plate I had no idea of what I was about to encounter. I stopped by the center aisle and picked up two little plastic tubs of "Promise" which is some sort of fake butter so I could slather it in and over the pretty little muffin on my tray when I got to my table. It did not take me 20 seconds to pay and be seated. When I went to halve the muffin for the Promise slathering I was stunned to find that the muffin was not even room temperature. It was like it had been sitting outside on a 55 degree day (yes we have them here too). To prove my case I documented the whole event.

Exhibit One: Taken Seconds after the Slathering of Promise. Notice the gecko shaped daub of "butter" on the top of the muffin.
Now pay attention to the butter gecko in the following pictures (which also document the attack on a burger in the background by B-Diddy).

Exhibit two: Ten Minutes Later

Exhibit 3: Fifteen Minutes Later: Pork Loin and dressing gone.

Exhibit 4: Twenty Minutes Later: Turnips devoured.

Exhibit 5: The Year 2050

Notice anything? Does the "butter gecko" seem to move at all? Does it melt even a little? No it doesn't. It hangs in there like a hair on a biscuit. Actually it appears as frozen and cold as the muffin it sits atop. I am cursed to notice things like that. Now I am no expert on the ingredients of butter substitutes or margarine products (other than in one of my jobs I had to clean the lard trap at an oleo factory) but my experience has been that that crap melts even at room temperature and separates into oily yellow goo. In these pictures not only does the "butter" not melt, it becomes emboldened and takes a bite out of the muffin. I would wager that, if left undisturbed, this muffin and butter gecko would be found by archeologists 1000 years from now in the same pristine and inedible condition. As you can tell, it was not a good day for the cornbread carp. The pork loin wasn't very tasty either. My mother got better food at the hospital recently.

On the other hand, it was cheap. $6.05 for the whole meal (with water) so its got that going for it. However, inexpensive food does not make up for a cold muffin incapable of melting congealed oil to one who prizes a warm cornbread muffin soaked in real butter. So, despite the fact that I was eating in the presence of Dr. Bronner himself and in one of the green roofed palaces which house the "Bronner's" restaurants, I have to give this place a so-so ranking.

La Zona Rosa Foils Stomach Claw

La Zona Rosa

_________________________________________________________

WARNING: Inside Joke: A Bammer fan named Danny posted on OU website before big game against Oklahoma a response to Sooner claim that Bama D-Line was small. He said: "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog--Paul 'Bear' Bryant" Of course, Sooner fans who had actually been to a college knew that quote belonged to Mark Twain. So, for months, the string of abuse of Danny on the blog involved attributing every quotable line you can think of to "The Bear." Are you with me here? If so, move on....
_________________________________________________________

"Once we were lost, but now we're found"--Paul W. Bryant.

After suggesting a repeat visit to our favorite Taco Tongue a/k/a El Taqueria De Cantero, Tojo and Fat Clemenza learned the hard way that not all restaurants in the Gump are open on Monday, especially the ones where no one speaks English. But as quick as he was in the wrestling ring, Tojo adroitly changed plans: La Zona Rosa ("The Pink Zone") would be the target since it was right down the road at 2838 Zelda Scott Fitzgerald Road.

Open about four years now, the Pink Zone has become somewhat of a local favorite for Mexican (and Salvadorian) food. But somehow, it had avoided a visit from the LITG gang until today. A full quorum of gastric bypass experts assembled: Tojo the Hungry; Fat Clemenza the Starved; B-Diddy; Show Dog; He Who Has No Nickname and, yours truly, Shadow Pup. Not in that order.

"A penny saved is a penny earned"--Paul W. Bryant.

What no one understood at the time, was that the lunch menu at La Zona Rosa may be the best deal in the Gump. Just look at this menu for lunch:

That "Create your own lunch" part makes your typical overweight American/Tojo assume that you would have to get 3 or four of the selections to comprise a full meal. Not so fast salsa breath. After gorging on "complimentary" chips and salsa (a little too sweet) while waiting for (shocker) The Show Dog, the size of each of just three selections is way more than a normal person can eat unless just released from "The Biggest Loser." But Tojo, who is no ordinary person, went for the FOUR entree lunch, including something called a "Chile Poblano." Just what that is I cannot say. You decide for yourself:

You must keep the Chile Poblano at bay at all times.

Regardless of the appearance, this little Poblano put up slight resistance and was quite tasty. The problem was that even Tojo failed to devour the little fellow. It was sad to see Tojo frustrated by the seemingly endless supply of tacos, tortillas and refried beans.

Foiled by the size of the 4 entre lunch, Tojo retaliated with the "Stomach Claw"...it was his only defense.


"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."--Paul W. Bryant.

As usual, the combination of knowledge of a full LITG crowd boggles the mind. It was the nameless one, I think, who reminded the table that La Zona Rosa serves Carnitas to die for at night but you have to order early or they run out.

"Ask not what your Country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your Country."--Paul W. Bryant.

In our case, we ask for separate checks and Pepto. Once again, over served at no fault of our own but comfortable in the fact that we were able to gorge ourselves on some pretty fine Mexican food for $6.50 with free water you can drink from the tap! Quite a deal. Perhaps the best deal in the known Gump.

Oh, I almost forgot to show you where La Zona Rosa is located. Here is the map from their web site:

Yeah, that's a big help....it's somewhere in the Gump.

Although we left bloated and in need of naps, all in all the gang appeared to enjoy our experience at La Zona Rosa--except perhaps Tojo who suffered a little bump in the road to his manhood by a giant Chile Poblano served 'head-on' at a place known as the "Pink Zone."

"Think Pink"--Paul W. "Bear" Bryant.

Tokyo, meet Tojo

Warning: this is a sad story

[Ed. Note: It is sadder that we thought. Tokyo is now kaput. The All-City Coney Island Eatery now occupies the space. See recent review]

Tuesday brought freezing weather, along with the first day of the 2010 legislative session. Great. Dragging into the office late, lamenting the invasion of Montgomery by blowhards with bad haircuts and gum-smacking mistresses, I wondered where a taxpayer could get a quick lunch without encountering polyester suits, pompadours or comb-overs.

With nothing to look forward to but months of demagoguery and liquor shortages, I despaired. It’s too cold to play golf, and the most popular pastime this time of year -- holding on to your wallet -- isn’t that much fun. When the Legislature's in session, lobbyists have the good tables and you can’t find an empty barstool anywhere.

I was about to drive through Burger King when the inbox lit up with a message from Tojo Yamamoto. The e-mail from my old friend was a classic example of Tojo’s elegant economy of words: “Tojo hungry.”

A call-out from Tojo always elicits a number of lunch suggestions but Gumper BoDiddly made the call. Remembering Tojo’s embarrassment over the ill-conceived Ndamukong Suh Hunger Strike, Mr. Diddly suggested a never-been-gumped target: "Tokyo" -- apparently the Gump’s only non-chain Japanese restaurant inside the Bypass.

Tojo, who was downtown teaching self-defense and anti-groping techniques to female state employees (no-bid contract), was absolutely giddy at the prospect of dining at an "authentic" Japanese eatery. Tojo responded that while he had never tried Tokyo, he was honored that we chose a Japanese establishment for lunch. He gave BoDiddly the ultimate seal of approval, e-mailing us with a gushing “Tojo like.” It was on.

What we wanted!

BoDiddly, Cornbread Carp, Clemenza, Shadow Pup and I arrived first and were waiting outside Tokyo when our big tomodachi* rolled up in his pimped-out Mitsubishi Galant. Imagine our shock when Tojo bounced out of his ride in the signature silk robe, as always, but WEARING SHOES. We had never seen such… Tojo in footwear! But as reported, it was colder than Nick Saban’s blood that day.

Sadly, this is where it started to unravel for poor Tojo. First of all, Tojo told us to follow his lead, as if to show us, hey, this is how we roll in the Land of the Rising Sun and I don't want you guys to look like a bunch of rubes. “Shoes off,” he said.

We went in shoeless only to find a shabby-looking, fluorescent-lit lunch counter with three or four overweight patrons guarding their food like they were Poindexters and we were trying to copy their pop quizzes. Worst of all was a sign that said NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE. Words can’t describe the stricken look on Tojo’s face as he stood there holding his shoes (the excellent kimono, while very cool, is not exactly a shirt, either). “Tojo confused,” he said.

Tojo approached the lady behind the counter. They bowed and had a short conversation in Japanese. We waited in our socks, the fat stateys giving us the apprehensive once-over, apparently afraid we were there to seize their egg rolls. Tojo bowed again and turned to face us. “Shoes on,” he said, then paused and dropped his eyes before adding, “Shadow Pup not welcome.”

As LITG followers are aware, there is a particular bond between Tojo and Shadow Pup. You may recall that Shadow Pup’s keen senses of smell and genealogy once saved Tojo and the Gumpers from potential disaster at Choices Chinese on Commerce Street (Shadow Pup smelled a distant cousin in the walk-in cooler and led the group safely out of danger to a fantastic lunch at Cool Beans).

Imagine the awkwardness of the situation -- LITG’s A-Team barefoot in the cold at an ersatz Japanese restaurant, being told that our Lead Dog has to leave, while a 340-pound ex-professional wrestler best known for the dreaded “Stomach Claw” tries coming to grips with the dishonor of it all.

It got worse. At about this time the cook, a good-sized fellow as fidgety as that Asian guy in The Hangover, emerged from the kitchen with a meat cleaver to enforce the bullshit shoes/shirts/dogs provisions of the Tokyo policy manual. Tojo’s eyes narrowed as he shifted the center of his massive gravity to the balls of his feet, bent his knees slightly and sized up the cook. This thing was about to blow.

Luckily Shadow Pup saved the day once again, agreeing to wait in the car if we promised to take him to Hamburger King afterwards (I don’t think the Pup was comfortable at Tokyo in the first place, especially the way the cleaver guy kept eyeballing him).

Well anyway, mayhem averted, we put our shoes back on and everybody ordered the “special of the day,” which was a moderately tasty and inexpensive beef/chicken/shrimp concoction you've had a thousand times. It was heaped atop enough rice to give an Atkins dieter a starch seizure. “Hmph. Taste like Chinese. Pass soy sauce,” said Tojo.

What we got.

(you can almost see the MSG)

After lunch, Tojo bowed to the counter lady, glared at the cleaver-wielding, lucky-to-be-alive cook and left the building. Outside, he paused at Clemenza’s limo, where Shadow Pup was laid up in the back seat watching a DVD of Turner & Hooch. The bulletproof tinted glass slid down and we watched as Tojo gave Shadow Pup a scratch behind the ear, right where he likes it. They exchanged a few words then Tojo shuffled off to the Galant and drove away.


Editor’s notes:

Location: If you still want to know, “Tokyo” is located at 701 Madison Avenue at the intersection of Madison and Union, next to some tire place.

Food: If you want a couple pounds of middle-of-the-road Chinese at a fair price, this is your spot. Tokyo also scores a perfect "10" if you HATE THE EARTH. Every single container and utensil (eat-in or take-out) is made of styrofoam or plastic. Yep, and the shitty mass-produced duck sauce is in those shitty little plastic packets, too.

Note to Legislators: There is parking in back, which is good if you don’t want anybody to know you’re inside signing a pact with the devil or trying to get your girlfriend out of the Frederick's of Hollywood gear you bought her during the last special session.

Also: It must be noted that of the other Japanese places in town, one is a chain hibachi joint and the others are outside the Bypass. Although LITG does make occasional forays to the periphery, Tojo has never imposed his considerable will to steer the group to any of these establishments. He is a gentle giant, Tojo.

* Tomodachi = good friend. I think. Hope it’s not something that pisses Tojo off.

SaZa's Needs Rating from LITG

Looks like we can no longer ignore the SaZa's phenomenon at 130-A Commerce. I saw where that mutt without opposable thumbs Shadow Pup rated the place at "Sup in the Gump" and I know Fat Tojo has spoken of it on the Lunch in the Gump Facebook page. It's also getting very high reviews on Urban Spoon. Do we think that if we ignore it then it will go away? I know it is not technically a local eatery, but it is just a much a local place as Dreamland or Wintzells. Somebody take the ball and write something witty!! Chop chop!

Microgump: Eating Cornbread at Martin's Restaurant

The LITE Menu (I'm not kidding)

Being new to the group I wondered why LITG had not yet rated the place consistently rated No. 1 in The Montgomery Advertiser's "Peoples' Choice" award for: (1) Fried Chicken; (2) "Southern Cooking" and (3) Iced tea. After all, the place has benches outside because it usually is pretty crowed with...I must say it...some of the fatest people on earth (especially if you go early to beat the crowd). If you ever recoiled at the damage Waffle House has done to American waistlines, just sit alone at Martins around 11:30 a.m. and watch the parade of obesity squeeze through the front doors for their fried chicken fix. Please do not eat there alone because, if you do, your mind eventually wanders into people watching mode which, at Martins, invariably leads to the sin of smug, condescending judgments about the size of the clientele (at least if you are only mildly overweight after a Thanksgiving of splurging). Many had a former professional wrestler gut like Tojo Yamamoto (I've only seen him once from distance and he was still large from a distance).  My mental victims, on the other hand, are probably thinking: "Why is that goofy guy wearing an ankle bracelet?" To which I say to myself: "NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX FATTY! And stop looking at my buttered muffins!"

One muffin missing. Two in mortal danger.

One thing I can say unequivocably about Martin's: They have some of the best cornbread I have eaten and they bring it to you like other restaurants bring your bread and water glass: quick. And it is right out of the pan, hot and ready to be swathered in fake butter from the ample supply of tins on the table. Three, count-em, three muffins per customer, one for each of the jelly rolls lopping over your belt. As a true cornbread lover, I must say the meal goes downhill after you gobble up your Martin's cornbread and drink the excellent iced tea (unsweetened of course because you are watching your girlish figure as you down the third muffin before the meal arrives).

As sort of a poor joke on the obese, there is a LITE menu which features only one huge fried chicken breast along with two sides and three cornbread muffins with unlimited margerine. Obviously, I chose the LITE meal because it sounded better for me. Here, I have to say, the Davis Cafe & Lounge kicks Martin's butt all over the plate. Unlike the succulence of the Davis Cafe bird, the Martin's fowl was a little dry and had almost no seasoning. I also noted more bones than normal chickens are supposed to have. Perhaps my skills at dismembering the breast with a fork are to blame, but I was constantly chomping on bones--which is rarely fun with regard to eating yardbird. If this were a competition, the score would be Martins 1, Davis 1 after the entre.

Since the prices (about $8.50) are comparable, the tiebreaker would have to be dessert. Here, Martin's has a decided edge. Their fried pies are delicious and homemade and guaranteed to blow any diet, real or imagined.

The winner by a muffin top: Martin's Restaurant, 1796 Carter Hill Road. They are open 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. M-F and for Sunday Brunch. They serve dinner and things other than chicken (like chicken livers). They have a high local rating because....its an icon!! It has been around since 1940 and the service is quick and friendly. I would give it a 3.5 of 5 hot corn muffins soaked in real butter.

Lunch in the Gump: The Farmer’s Market Cafe—Taxidermy and Jalapeno Corn Bread!!

You're not eating the venison are you?

With the choice for the spot of the week bearing down on all of us, Shadow Pup suggested a Montgomery standard. If you are still shaking off a hangover from a weekend of big football and you need a solid, no-frills workman’s lunch, you got to go with the Farmer’s Market Cafe. Shadow Pup and I arrived separately and in true community style, we were both offered seats by folks we knew and some we didn’t. Shadow Pup remarked “It’s sort of like the bar in Cheers, somebody knows your name so you never eat alone (even when you really want to).” Local celebrity sightings included Rep. Alvin Holmes “legisloitering” by the counter as per usual hoping some lobbyist would pick up his tab.

As our fellow Gumpers trickled in, each made the rounds in the dining room back slapping and hand grabbing until we all came to rest at a centrally located table, amidst lawyers, brick layers, law enforcement and secretaries. This proud cross section of the Gump’s best folks came together for a respectable assortment of baked chicken, veggies, slaw, cornbread and tea. Just the thing you need to ground you after a high flying weekend of fancy tailgate food and beer. The one that has no nickname especially liked the Jalapeno Corn Bread, which he says has the consistency of Twinkies. (Discerning palate indeed.) We all agree the fried okra is superb especially when combined with the smoky baked chicken.

As a bonus, you dine while being eyeballed by some pretty good taxidermy and photos of decades old football players like Buddy McClinton leaping, Charlie Trotman with a buster brown haircut, Zeke Smith with his Outland Trophy, and, of course, the Bear when he could personally kick ass.

As a side note, LITG determined that although LSU intercepted the ball, it would not have mattered, and that 50 year old refs don’t have 4.4 speed. SEC refs made for good lunch conversation among the Aubie/Bammers except for Tojo who doesn’t understand “armored wankerball”.



Tojo had just returned from a battle royal with the dentist’s drill and it was highly entertaining to watch him on Novocain try to chew his chicken and not his tongue. “Tojo have tongue for lunch. Unfortunately tongue belong to Tojo. Also have inside of cheek for dessert. Docartie very good to Tojo, only drill one bad spot. Feel like Tojo stick tongue in light socket.”

Frugal Gumpers also got drilled when ordering the traditional ice milk that used to be included in the price of a lunch, but now costs $.50. Leaving alone the ice milk brings the total to a workmanlike $9.00, and for the portions, it’s a sweet deal.

All in all we give it four out of five stuffed turkeys and a deer rack.

Farmers Market Cafe
315 N. McDonough Street
334.262.1970 or 262-9163
Fax 334.262.1970

Plenty of Free Parking or Take the Lunch Trolley Express
"FRIED GREEN TOMATOES EVERY DAY"

Lunch in the Gump: Wintzell's Oyster House Non-Countering Counter-Point: Where A Drool and His Money Soon Parted

Heard the boys hit Wintzell's Monday in my absence so I visited today with "cover guineas" to try it out for myself assuming the real group had decided, due to the untimely death of Doyle B, to call a moritorium on information. Not laboring under such restrictions, I saw the opportunity to hit the web with my own take but, alas, just saw the previous blog. Darn it if my take is not all that different from Bama Bing but since the following was already written here goes:

It was indeed hard to go back to work so soon after the tragic passing of a rogue Chris' Hotdog through poor Doyle B's stomach lining, but life goes on as does commerce. Speaking of which, Wintzell's Oyster House, formerly an old Mobile family seafood house, has gone "corporate" (not that there is anything wrong with that) by opening its ninth location at 105 Commerce Street in Gump Central (and supposedly looking for franchisees for East Gumphry and Prattville). Now, given what I have just said, you must realize that the following constitutes a non-sanctioned personal review of a lunch spot that really does not meet all of the loose LITG criteria and because of the obvious involvement of "oysters" must be subject to an ever greater disclaimer than usual. But, of course, Dreamland was reviewed and did not technically meet the criteria but once we let that hog's nose under the smoker hood we predictably descended that proverbial "slippery slope" here coated with slimy oyster gradue such that we have to now deal with Wintzells due to the clamor of the mob packing this eatery 7 days a week.

First and foremost, let me say on Tuesday the Wintzell's lunch product was pretty good and you better get there early or late to get right in. The place is currently very popular. Your humble author had the blackened "catch of the day" (supposedly grouper but I did not see the DNA tests so famous for outing Mobile seafood establishments) and it was seasoned, fresh, hot and served on a warm buttered bun. It was also $9 bucks (USD). So with $2 tea and a $3 side salad instead of fries, my tab (with the City Council's share) came to almost $15 (9 pounds) pre-tip. A guinea pig next to me really liked the spicy gumbo and somehow managed getting two cups and being charged for one. I, for one, am not willing to beg. I recommend skipping the tea and trying the still tap sweet river water the Gump is so famous for.


Having the option of grilled, blackened or fried seafood for lunch is an additional option for lunch in New Philadelphia i.e. Gump Central. However, some of us worry that our local establishments with equally fine seafood offerings (like Lunde's or Bama Bistro for example) may fail because we true believers in Gumpicuria do not patronize them. It is perhaps a Hobson's Choice --but not really.


Second, despite the newly constructed and modern location adjacent to the snazzy Renaissance Hotel, the tacky and traditional "Wintzell's Words of Wisdom" cover almost every square inch of the walls and are "to some" annoying. For sarcastic cynical know-it-alls like, for example, Shadow Pup they are beyond hokey and something that could be fodder for endless jokes by adding "at Wintzells". For example:

"A fool and his money are soon parted at Wintzells"

or this:

"The only difference between a Po-Boy and a Poor-Boy is lunch at Wintzells"

I am sure you have already thought of funnier lines you would love to see on the walls at Wintzells. If so, post as comments.

I also noted that Tojo apparently has already visited the place because some of the "Wintzell's Words of Wisdom" posted on the walls appeared to be authored by him. A couple or three stood out:

"What fish good to eat here? Catch of Day! What if not good fish?"

Or:

"No Shirt, No Shoes, No Tojo"

or:

"Never look at gift fish in the mouth. If not gift, it cost too much at Wintzells"

In conclusion, I would rate Wintzell's high on service, quality and taste, questionable on wisdom and low on value. Three shrimp out of five gumbos.

We will miss old Doyle B. May he find a buffet in heaven.

Binion