A Nincompotpourri of Nincompoopery

We are declining as a society into a bunch of nincompoops. A recent article in The Washington Post documents how supposedly educated and successful people can accomplish a trifecta of nincompoopery such as (1) leaving their lights on; (2) with keys in the car; (3) with the engine running. (Well, "at least the battery won't run down...."). Well, so you say Missy.

Before embarking on my diatribe for today I must give credit where it is due. The idea for this little column was sparked by an article by Gene Weingarten that bears reading. You can find it here.

So, here's the secret poop of the nimh...

My brush with malevolent nincompoopery occurred at the Gump's exclusive Bushwood Country Club & Snobatorium. There, for years, one of the main attractions was the art of making cocktails as practiced by one known only as "Reggie." Famous Gump-wide for his performances at weddings, bat mitzvahs, receptions and parties of all ilk, Reggie was THE bartender you hunted and waited in line to be served by. When the nouveau riche and slightly tipsy MA mom would ask for a "light" vodka and water, Reggie would always smile and say: "Sorry ma'am, I just pour 'em, I don't weigh 'em," as he poured and the glass runneth over with the water of life. When the pleasantly intoxicated captain of industry would ask for "a half Scotch and Water" good ole Reggie would reply: "Sir, I failed fractions" as he handed the chocolate-brown glass back to the patron. Reggie, the world will someday acknowledge, was the reason we have the word "Reggied."



All in all, for years Reggie was the hero of the drinking class at Bushwood. His "fair pours" were legendary and the oil of much conversation. Why, it was once suggested that if Reggie served the leaders of the Middle East at a cocktail party we would have world peace by morning or, at least a real good start for Hangover III. Perhaps a slight exaggeration. The point is that members and guests at Bushwood received a more than fair quantity of their favorite adult beverage at the hands of Reggie. Things were, as some say, ducky. Extremely ducky. Leave well enough alone I say.

Enter the nincompoopery of one of our most brilliant and well-educated medical professionals in the Gump. A person trained at one of the finest medical schools in the country and in whose hands many have entrusted their most vital of organs. This "Dr. Sunshine" (as we will call him) has multiplied buffoonery times nincompoopery to produce a nincompotpourri of nincompoopery. This brilliant example of one of the Gump's finest families thought that because Reggie was so generous in his pours that he, the eminent Dr. Sunshine, was entitled to expect everyone at Bushwood with a bottle of whiskey in their hand to provide the same "fair" service as the Master. Accordingly, this paragon of judgment required another server to pour a drink approximating one poured by Reggie and was "outraged" when he was charged for a "double" (a triple would have been more accurate).

It gets worse.

Not satisfied with berating the innocent wait-staffer who presented a drink poured to exact specifications and/or from a jigger, this mental giant decided to bring the issue to the attention of management i.e. the one some call "the man." As anyone with a modicum of sense would understand, once confronted with the issue regarding the size of drinks the manager of Bushwood had to decree that all drinks be poured uniformly at the mandated 1 1/4 ounce amount with a jigger. Suddenly, the Picasso of the Pour, the Wagner of Vodka was forced to confine his art to the constraints of a precisely engineered amount, much to the dismay of the innocent drinkers who depend so much upon the artistry of Reggie, their bartender, guru and, when necessary, their ride home.

What makes this nincompoopery even more notable is that the perpetrator of this affront to the "League of Justice" (the self-named group of roguish ne'er-do-wells who inhabit the place), had no "bleeping" idea that his complaints to management would result in the opposite effect he intended. Now we all suffer equally, thanks to a Republican who hates socialism. I say man (masquerading as buffoon), unhand my bartender!

Where now can a gentleman of the Gump go to find a friendly, heavy-handed bartender who dispenses wisdom as generously as Jameson? Woe is me. Woe are we.

Perhaps, just perhaps, the new restaurant in the A&P development in No-Clo will provide relief. I suppose I should share that "Roux" will be opening for business June 1 (yes, I have stumbled into something topical). I, of course, have been invited to the pre-opening reception and, if I am able, I promise that one of the LITG regulars will report shortly thereafter (I hope I never become too lazy to tell others what to do). Until then, I shall see you at the Pine Bar on Mondays and wherever Reggie serves without the constraints of "the man."

For now, I must bid you adieu as I drown my sorrows at the loss of a fair pour at Bushwood and contemplate the depths of nincompoopery to which we have, as a people, sunk. Woe are we all. Woe are we all.

Cecil Carp Hits Rock Bottom as Questions Continue....

(Finebaum Network)--As if highly acclaimed blogger Corn B. Carp did not have enough problems already, over the past week there have appeared highly trustworthy internet postings quoting annoymous sources and others who only contradict themselves every other day, that Corn B. Carp's father, the Rev. Cecil Newton Carp, was shopping great reviews from his son with at least one local sports bar in Montgomery: The Rock Bottom American Pub.

In what appears to be one of the finest examples of internet journalism, EFPN.COM (Eating Food Programming Network) reported that Cecil Carp had approached a friend of the owner of the Rock Bottom American Pub and said "It will take a lot more than a free lunch to get my son to write a favorable review of that dump." The source, who refused to be named, said the conversation was recorded and reported to the Federal Blogging Investigation Agency (FBI).

A representative of Rock Bottom American Pub first said they knew nothing about the contact with Rev. Carp, but later was reported to have turned the matter over to the Alabama Restaurant Association and the Montgomery Health Department. No review of Rock Bottom American Pub was ever posted on Lunch in the Gump where "Cornbread Carp" is a frequent poster. Lunch in the Gump is recognized universally as the world's most popular blog specializing in reviewing restaurants in downtown Montgomery, Alabama, affectionately known amoung locals as "The Gump." Urban Spoon, a national restaurant rating web, lists Lunch in the Gump as its number one blog.

When contacted for comment, the younger Carp referred questions to his attorney, Reginald T. McLucid, who issued this statement: "The idea that my client would even consider eating at such a dive, much less writing about it, is preposterous." McLucid is currently defending Mr. Carp against allegations he was involved in a "Food For Publicity" scheme related to a favorable review of The Green Papaya which was posted on Lunch in the Gump.

The Rock Bottom American Pub has consistently received unfavorable reviews on other restaurant review web sites, according to a representative of Urban Spoon, who also requested to remain nameless. "Perhaps Rev. Newton thought they would be desparate for a good review from the best blog around," the representative speculated.

From the looks of the dried crab claws and non-existent lunch crowd witnessed today at Rock Bottom American Pub, there appears to be a flock of patrons staying away from the establishment either because of the quality of the food or the recent scandal. It was noted that the menu did contain references to cornbread.

The editors of Lunch in the Gump, when contacted for comment, said that as far as they were concerned, their beloved "Cornbread Carp" was still eligible to post on the blog and would remain an author with authority to post. Attorney McLucid could not resist a parting shot: "The internet news media has hit Rock Bottom. The truth will eventually come out despite them."

Carp Indicted by FBI for Allegedly Demanding Improper Inducements for Favorable Post

(Association Press)-- A Montgomery blogger was arrested today at his trailer by agents of the Federal Blogging Institute (FBI) for allegedly demanding and accepting improper inducements from a restaurant owner to post a favorable review touting the owner's restaurant. Corn B. Carp, 33, was taken into custody at 4 a.m. this morning and charged with corrupt blogging, conspiracy to mislead the public and receiving improper inducements pertaining to a recent post on the "Lunch in the Gump" blog, which is purportedly the worlds most popular blog on eating lunch within the confines of the by-pass surrounding Montgomery, Alabama.

"This arrest reveals the dirty underbelly of the restaurant review blogging community," said chief investigator Prince Karming. "The Blog-Ola generated by organized and unlicensed restaurant review blogging corrupts many of those involved."
The 65-count indictment reveals that representatives of Green Papaya were wired by FBI agents when Mr. Carp, generally known by his nom de plume "Cornbread Carp," offered a favorable review in exchange for free egg rolls.

"I just want you to show me some love," the indictment quotes a tape of Mr. Carp during a phone call to the owner. "I really like egg rolls and a couple of egg rolls would help me understand the quality of the food and write a better review."

The indictment alleges that Mr .Carp received free egg rolls and, in exchange, wrote a glowing review of Green Papaya which appeared last week. In the review, still available at http://lunchinthegump.blogspot.com/2010/10/green-papaya-good-for-gump-and-you.html, "Cornbread Carp" made claims that the food would cause patrons to loose weight.

"Mr. Carp's mistake was asserting in the blog the egg rolls were 'complimentary' when we knew that they are always ala cart," said Karming who also noted that the post made several preposterous claims about the food.

When reached for comment Mr. Carp said only: "I was baited." He referred all questions to his attorney, Reginald McLucid. "This whole claim was politically motivated by Gov. Bob Riley because of a review of Eastbrook Cafe which revealed a raid on a local restaurant for serving pulley bones. We look forward to proving Mr. Carp's innocence at trial." McLucid noted that the Green Papaya had already been favorably reviewed on the Lunch in the Gump blog well before the alleged fraudulent transaction and that the egg rolls had no affect on Mr. Carp's review of the restaurant. "I mean, obviously, this guy really likes cornbread--not egg rolls," McLucid said.

Interestingly, the indictment listed several unnamed co-conspirators. For example, "Blogger No. 1" was described as suggesting the egg-rolls during a taped conversation at the restaurant. A "Blogger No. 2" was recorded speaking in a foreign accent--probably Asian--without articles in very short sentences like: "[Blogger No. 2] like." Further indictments are expected, said an unnamed source.

When contacted for comment, the Lunch in the Gump blog editors refused to take down the questioned post defiantly stating: "Except for all the obvious hyperbole concerning the benefits of Thai food, we stand by our post and behind the Carp!," the editor said. "Hell, we don't even allow advertising." The LITG web page does contain the following Advertising Disclaimer: "Although begged often to sell ads at ridiculously high rates, Lunch in the Gump has to date steadfastly refused to allow anyone to sway our opinions with the filthy lucre selling advertising space generates. The stupid "Adsense" stuff you see on the right-hand side is something Google adds but we (to date) have received none of the revenue from that nor do we control what the computer program selects for ads although the ads appear to be based upon what we post. Inquiries should be directed to bamabing@lunchinthegump.com."

Mr. Carp addresses the media with his counsel

National Signing Day in the Gump!!

[Montgomery] Gump University has announced its 2010 "Fighting Luncheons" signee class. According to coaches and staff, this may be the finest recruiting class in the history of the Gump. “These men and women will make you proud to wear the butter and gravy!,” said Head Coach B.B. Bing as the commitments rolled in at team headquarters.


According to staff reports, the following have faxed in signed agreements as of 3:15 p.m. C.D.T:


1. Tojo Yamamoto: OT: 6’5” 390 pounds from Kyoto, Japan. Yamamoto was a highly recruited lineman known for the Tao of his commentary and his “stomach claw” hold. Although known as a "gentle giant," he is very quick with a post. He was recruited by all the major Oriental schools. He is rated a five-star by Urban Spoon.


2. T. C. Carp: Linebacker: 6’3”, 220 pounds from Chisholm, AL. “T.C” is a strapping cornbread -fed city-boy who reviews a lot a film before exploding into the face of his readers. He plays with a huge chip on his shoulder, coaches say. Needs some work on his spelling grades and may be a partial qualifier. He chose the Gump over offers from Arbys and Country’s Barbequue. He is rated as a three star on Urban Spoon.


3. Peter Clemenza: C: 6’0, 395 pounds from Corleone, Sicily. Affectionately known as “Fat” Clemenza, Peter caught the eyes of scouts with his quick draw and love of Canole’s. A true expert on Italian/Sicilian food, Clemenza will shore up the line of any eating establishment. He turned down offers from the Olive Room and Carrabas. He said GU made him an offer he could not refuse. Urban Spoon shows him as a solid 2-star contributor.


4. Reginald McLucid: TE: 6’4”, 210 pounds from Nigeria. “Reggie” is a highly touted receiver of various barbs. He is quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. He is said to have a strong cocktail move. He is said by his coaches to be a real team player. Prior to GU's offer, the biggest schools on his trail were Duke and East Carolina. Why? He was born in Nigeria, picked up blogging later than most prospects and started for only two seasons. He is a 2-star prospect according to Urban Spoon.


5. Beau Diddley: FB: 5’11, 230 pounds from Opp, AL. Diddly is known for his aggressive blocking in clearing the way for others to enter crowed areas. He will probably start immediately in a lineup depleted by the departure of Benny Binion and D.B. Cooper, both of whom played in the background. Diddley was recruited by Huntingdon as two-sport star. He is rated a 4-star on Urban Spoon.


6. B. B. Mack: End: 5’8”, 175 pounds from Prattville, AL. B.B. led the Lions to several state championships despite size and weight issues. Scouts like her speed and quickness and her ability to mix it up with larger players. She turned down offers from Boston College and many other Eastern establishments. B.B. played sparingly her senior year and but is projected to be more of a contributor to GU in 2010. She was not rated by Urban Spoon.


7. John E. Younger: C: 6’0, 290 pounds from The Gump, AL. Younger was another of GU's signing day surprises. He was a powerful tackle for a struggling Class 4A team who simply overpowered most of the defensive linemen assigned to beat him. He's not big enough to play tackle in college, though, and GU coaches believe he'll settle at center. He's fairly mobile. Younger is an extremely bright student who is expected to enter GU's pre-law program. Urban Spoon rates Younger as a two-star recruit. He is unrated by Scout.com.


8. Mimi Furst: OT: 5’9, 108 pounds from Albertville, AL. Furst is pure speed. She outclassed all of the kick returners in junior college by simply blowing by them on the outside. On her best days, Furst was unstoppable because of her unusual acceleration. She's listed at 108 pounds, but plays bigger on tape. She looks like a very strong wideout. Furst intrigued plenty of West Coast teams, but GU and AEA were the only BCS programs outside the Pac-10 to offer a scholarship. She's something of an enigma. Urban Spoon rates her as a four-star recruit, though Scout.com bestowed only three stars. Misses practice a lot.

9. Morris Cornpone Grits. ATH 5-11, 185, Gump Central, AL. You already know by now that GU loves recruiting high-school quarterbacks. Grits is in that group. He was a fast and creative play-maker under center. It's clear from watching tape, though, that his future isn't at quarterback. Guys like this can turn into a wideout, kick returner, cornerback or safety. Where will Grits settle? Defense seems like the most likely destination. Urban Spoon.com and Scout.com rate him as a three-star prospect.

10. Kent T. Lost. Mascot. 5-6, 200, Myrtlewood, AL. Known by all at the stockyard as "Lost," Kent somehow found someone capable of sending a facsimile to GU accepting a scholarship never offered.

11. David Bronner. CEO. 5-10, 190, Somewhere, Minnesota. David impressed Wall Street for weeks, maybe months, with his adept investment moves until he bought an airline that promptly declared bankruptcy. Known for his chains of green-roofed restaurants throughout Alabama, Bronner is considered a prize recruit to any program that depends on generating paper profits from a cash cow.


12. Darla Jean Pupanovich. Tailback: 2-6, 35, Animal Shelter, AL. A little small for a big time program, "Shadow Pup", as she is affectionately known in the Gump, is one of the quickest and fastest posters available this recruiting year. Why, she is so fast that pictures of her running are blurry due to the Doplar Effect. She is expected to be very elusive running behind a front line of giants like Tojo Yamamoto or Fat Clemenza. If she can stay healthy during a long season of gorging at marginal restaurants, she is expected to contribute greatly. Urban Spoon currently rates her a 5-star despite her diminuative stature.

Quite a recruiting class....