ROUX HOUX!! NEAUX-CLEAUX HAS A GREAT NEW CHATEAUX DE GUMBEAUX!!!!!

[Ed Note: 01/18/2012: Roux is now True and True is even better than Roux]

First, let's get one thing straight. Well, a few things straight. (1) I like to catch fish by the boatload. (2) I like to shoot multiple species of ducks. (3) I like classic cocktails, expertly built, with loving care, by professionals. (4) I like to gamble in proper casinos, not amongst pensioners playing nickel machines in "bingo" joints. (5) I like great music played by sweaty-ass musicians in smoky-ass bars who care more about how they sound than how they look. (6) When I say, "Hey, how about a look at those ta-tas," I like having better than a 50-50 chance of actually getting to see 'em.  (7) I like carefree natives who have nice boats, talk funny and who are full of shit. (8) I like having an active Powerball lotto ticket in my billfold at all times (it comforts me).  And (9) I like great food cooked in the creole/cajun style.

By my count, that's 9 out of my top 10* favorite things and I can only think of one place in the whole world where you can score "9" on the Bidgood Bob Pleasure Meter over a three-day weekend without having to cross any state lines or break any laws... and that squishy little slice of heaven is called THE GREAT STATE OF LOUISIANA. 

Next to Pine Bar on Cloverdale Rd...
make a night of it.

Now, unfortunately, the economy being what it is I can't just drop what I'm doing and haul ass to the Bayou State every time I get the urge for something that tastes good, sounds funny or ends in an "X." That's why I'm delighted to report that the Gump Guinea Pigs survived, the full review is complete and the verdict is in. Make a reservation, get your ass to Roux and wallow in it, baby.

First things first: They don't call me "Bidgood Bob the Gumbo Snob" just because I went to a couple of Sugar Bowls when I was in college. I am a student and protege of Chef John Folse and LITG's own Whig in a Blanket, who has taught me the art of the roux and the science of great gumbo for over two decades. When I tell you that Roux owner/chef David Dickensauge knows gumbo, this is not idle praise and I'm not kissing his ass just to get a free bowl (although I wouldn't dare want to hurt David's feelings by refusing one). Fresh lump crabmeat, claws, shrimp, oysters... done just right and about the color of a grocery sack. Keep your hands off the hot sauce... it don't need nothin' else on it nor in it.

Here's the deal... every time I've been to Roux I had the gumbo and I truly can't remember if they put any rice in there or not. I was drinking all three times. Be that as it may, they certainly didn't use a big wad of rice to make the gumbo go farther or to pad the profit margins. As I remember, with that much seafood there wasn't much room for starch.

Oh, one more thing about the Roux gumbo -- there's no okra in it, which is fine by me because I never liked the slimy little bastards anyway.

We are pretty sure Roux is rapidly getting through the early-stage jitters service-wise, but there are sure to be horror stories from any new restaurant's baby steps. My favorite from Roux's opening week came from a pal who ordered a Mojito which arrived from the bar "dirty," with four olives and some olive juice instead of lime juice and fresh mint leaves.  Well, not wanting to be an ass about the whole thing he drank it anyway, kinda liked it, ordered another (made it a double, extra dirty), drank that one, then ran next door to the Pine Bar and mashed his bare butt cheeks up against the window, to the delight of the sophisticated clientele there.

Anyway, back to the "restaurant review." Last Friday night Roux was jam-packed when Reginald McLucid, Doc NBA and I took our sport-model precious adorables out for drinks & dinner & more drinks (in that order). Even though we were a tad late and roaming around like a herd of kittens after pre-gaming at the aforesaid Pine Bar, the Roux staff still hit it out of the park. They let us meander, kept our drinks full and all-in-all managed very well on a hectic night.

Cool salad on a hot night.

The food? Oh, yes. Almost forgot about that, even though we did go there primarily to eat. In addition to the aforementioned gumbo, among other things we had Devils on Horseback, Alabama Watermelon Salad (see right), fried oysters, crab claws, and that was just the appetizers. For dinner we had Seared Romesco Scallops (with macquechoux, a favorite of mine), Roux BBQ Shrimp (see below), something called "Chicken Mar I Muntanya" and some other stuff I can't remember. They have a prime rib that they cook on the rib, then slice, then rub with a top secret concoction, then sear. Damn. We all shared and nobody bitched about the food, service, portion size or price (like I said, though, we were hitting the booze pretty hard and were mostly agreeable).

Roux BBQ Shrimp. Lobsters, more like it.

Note on the Roux BBQ Shrimp (shown at left). This dish is nothing like the very excellent BBQ Shrimp served at Jubilee Seafood, one of our all-time Gump favorites. The Roux BBQ Shrimp is more like the classic New Orleans dish (nothing even remotely "barbecued" about it) made famous at Pascal's Manale, with massive fresh shrimp and this sauce that's, well, let me tell you about the sauce... I wanted to tell the waiter, "Looka here, you need to bring me about five loaves of french bread and get all of these people out of here, because I am about to take off my shirt and sop up every drop of this sauce that's in the room right now." I wanted to, but I didn't.

Then there was the "shrimp." I really can't believe the lucky shrimper didn't have those big boys mounted. They must have put up one hell of a fight. If I ever landed a shrimp that size you can bet your ass he'd be over my mantel. Hard to believe they were so tender.

Excellent coffee and beignets topped it all off. We left happy and eased back to the Pine Bar for nightcaps. There we joined in the cosmopolitan atmosphere of sidewalk dining, drinking and conviviality on a starlit summer night among the beautiful people, not a one of whom was aware of our status as fairly recent parolees.

Overall a very nice night in this here Gump.



* My other favorite you can do pretty much anywhere there's a golf course.     

Squeak Peek: Santa Fe Express Goes Taco y Taco with Cantina Downtown

[Ed. Note: Santa Fe Express es muy finito. No trespassing signs up 8/31/2011. Adios Santa Fe Express!]

The holes in the facade from the rudely dislodged former "Bama Bistro" sign which once hung above the door a few months ago have not yet been filled, but the space has. Our elite commandos recently received hard intelligence that a new "Mexican" restaurant was now occupying the 15 Commerce Street "hole in the wall" location of the former Bama Bistro. Although the intelligence was questioned due to the implausible idea of another Mexican restaurant opening within a block of the Cantina in the Alley, for the safety of the dining public, once the new restaurant was confirmed to exist, the fearless and expendable GGPs were deployed to investigate by any take-out or eat-in measures. Sorties were launched Tuesday and Thursday by land and air units of the Gump Guinea Pigs. Here is their report, now declassified for the public as written by "Squeak" their shadowy and furry commander:

A rare photo of Squeak using his MRIV (Mexican restaurant insertion vehicle)

At 1200 hrs 23 June 2011, The Santa Fe Express door was already open so (classified) and I entered and noticed one booth full of stateys in full feeding mode tearing into their lunches like two-year-olds opening presents on Christmas morning or like raccoons going through a trash can. It was not hard to move past them without being noticed. One customer was leaving the counter with a bag heavy with a take-out order. They paid us no attention or did not see us in the brim of our insertion vehicle (see above).

Since our mission was to eat-in, we sat in an open booth and in no time a very nice young waitress greeted us and brought us our requested water with lemon. A few seconds later a "free" (note this Cantina owners) basket of warm nacho chips and a bowl of delicious salsa was brought to the table.

The salsa was very tasty on the warm chips and on the burrito that followed.

Upon perusing the menu (classified) and I immediately saw a bargain and an opportunity to try more than our usual one entre: "Create Your Own Lunch." This deal allows you to pick 2 items ($4.95) or 3 items ($5.95) from a list of 15 items including: burritos, quesadillas, tostadas etc. The order was placed and within minutes very hot plates were presented with extra napkins and very fair portions of food. (Classified) had the chalupa and tamales which he announced to be consistent with expectations and the fare of other decent (but not great) Mexican restaurants in the Gump. I chose the beef burrito and a chicken quesadilla and was equally satisfied especially after adding the sour cream I requested and some of the salsa brought for the chips.


We sent in another team on a take-0ut mission the same day. It was noted that a bag full of warm chips along with a fair helping of tasty salsa is equally available for take out orders (gratis). The take-out team thought it was rather cool they were playing music via an ipod connected to a small speaker. The music appropriately filled the small space (not too loud and not too soft). Their use of minor copyright infringement to keep the cost down was noted and appreciated. The take-out team ordered the burrito with sour cream and a soft taco. They confirmed the quality and price were comparable to most other "Mexican" places in town

The required incubation and quarantine period having passed, I can report that Santa Fe Express is not only approved for the general LITG gang it proved to be a very quick and inexpensive lunch for the public at large. Expect nothing fancy. Expect nothing out of the ordinary. But with a 98 health rating from the local health inspectors, expect clean surroundings and good food at a really fair price. It may give the more expensive Cantina a run for its money.

Obviously, no casualties were reported.

Over and out.

Squeak.

What Derk's Filet & Vine, the Carp's Corruption Trial, Louisiana. Redfish, Moby Dick, the USOPEN and the Pledge of Allegiance Have in Common

Derk's Proudly Displays the 2010 LCBS Certificate!

The answer is: The invention of agriculture!

You see, after exile for two weeks in the chain restaurant capitol of the world (i.e. Dothan AL) it was comforting to return to No-Clo and the 2010 LBCS Champion: Derk's Filet & Vine for the best lunch in the Gump for $12.44 including tax and tea. What is so great about Derk's is that the food is so consistently good that you take the quality for granted. This allows your mind to focus on more important things like the banter by and between long-time LITG regulars Bidgood Bob, Fat Clemenza, Norm, and The Younger. Thanks to the invention of agriculture which supplies Derk's with the meats and produce served up each day and, incidentally, which freed humankind to study literature, art, philosophy and blogging, here is what your humble, noble and sometimes ranty pup learned around one of the Derk's tables in the wine section of the deli/grocery/bottle shop that is our local Filet & Vine:

The Cornbread Carp's Corruption Trial: As has been previously noted in this blog, our Cornbread Carp was indicted last year by the FBI for allegedly offering favorable blog posts in exchange for extra spring rolls and/or desserts at the Green Papaya. Apparently, one of the waitstaff was wearing a wire. The news from the trial was that, so far, it is going well for the Carp. The prosecution's first witness, Somsong "Scott" Dufusjai, did obtain a recording of the Carp saying: "I just want you to show me some love and a couple of extra egg rolls would help me understand the quality of the food and write a better review." However, although Dufusjai knew he was wired, the tapes also caught him engaging in ethnic food slurs such as: "These pasty crackers don't understand anything about Asian peppers." The jury, which is half cracker, rolled their eyes at several such incredibly stupid and insensitive remarks as primo defense lawyer Bobby Seagall (second chair to Reginald McLucid) bore into Dufusjai until he looked like wormwood. "Stick a fork in that Dufus," chuckled Joe Espy (counsel for a co-defendant said after 2 1/2 days of testimony by Dufusjai) "He's done." One of the defendants was quoted as saying that Dufusjai should resign as vice-president of the Gump Restaurant Association which spawned numerous such calls from other restaurateurs. So far it looks pretty good for our friend the Carp. Here's hoping he can rejoin the group soon. The consensus of the group is that he has been falsely accused--at least for now. We will see how the wind blows next week.

Louisiana Redfish: Apparently Bidgood Bob spent the last weekend in Cutoff, La. with some Cajun coon ass fishermen (wow, just reading that Dufuses testimony has me barking racial slurs). We learned at lunch that a Redfish recently escaped will bite again which scientifically shows that Redfish have very short attention spans. As Bidgood said: "Redfish live only to eat and make little Redfish." Put them down as words to live by. We also learned that the attraction of Redfish fishing, combined with that of a cold beer, will get you pulled over for speeding in the Parishes south of New Orleans and that you should NEVER, EVER, offer the high sheriff a cold beer when he approaches your driver-side window even when the temperature is 101 degrees in the shade. Thankfully, we also learned that our local probation office does not communicate with Louisiana Parish records, probably because of the Napoleonic Code or some such rational reason.

Moby Dick (the Short Version): The discussion of chasing fish and drinking beer naturally led to a discussion of the classic allegory Moby Dick. Not the one by Herman Melville dummy! We at the LITG prefer the shorter and better version penned by our own Bidgood Bob (you can click on link above to read the entire short version). Let's just say it involves a relentless quest for the white whales that form pods at the Flora Bama and the beers and tequila's that fuel the search and spoil the aim of the harpooners. I like the ending: "From here, accounts of the outcomes differ." I am sure they do.

The USOPEN: The gang was all impressed with the successful quest of Rory McIlroy who won the USOPEN wire to wire at Congressional. Chase N. Allpots, who knew I had been assigned this week's post, "rang me" to remind me that McIlroy was Northern Irish which means he is a British subject who would drink Bushmills Irish Whiskey and not a true Irishman who would drink Jameson's. Thankfully the kid has millions cause he has a bad case of Gingervitis.

The Pledge of Allegiance: But the real subject of conversation turned to the omission of "under God, indivisible" from the lead-in 30-second spot which began coverage of the Open on Sunday. Comments ranged from a vast liberal conspiracy to remove God from all things American to pity for the poor slub who made the call to cut those words from the coverage. He's got some "splainin'" to do for sure. Regardless, in a free country a private company has no duty to repeat the Pledge as written in 1954 or as it existed prior to that date (sans the reference to God). One thing is certain, religion and blogging do not mix so we shall leave this hot potato alone.

All's well that ends well and lunch at Derk's usually ends well. Indeed, by the end of lunch, we had all cleaned our plates (even--in honor of the Carp--to and including devouring the cornbread muffin that jumped ship and hit the floor) and exhausted the above-stated points of conversation. While having a fine lunch we had ventured from current legal events, great literature, a major sporting event and patriotism. Some say LITG is about more than lunch. Some say it is a fine literary society or a political force for good in the world. Some say reading this blog could result in total consciousness and of course results may vary. You say: What do all these things have in common? I say it is the roasted chicken, squash caserole and baby lima beans at Derk's Filet & Vine during Lunch in the Gump and the conversation they spawn.

So stay hungry my friends and support our local fare or (God forbid) we will turn into Dothan with a Capitol...."D"?

(Look for a revieux of Roux at the A&P Lofts soon).

Country's Barbecue. Like a room at the Radisson. Nice, but nothing special.

Zelda Rd./Ann St. -- the geographic center
of the Gump. The Q at Country's is
also right in the middle.

If you read about Tojo's brush with starvation at Cantina Tortilla Grill, then you know we aren't taking chances with any small portion sissy-food joints, at least not any time soon. So once we sprung our massive Asian friend from Jackson Hospital we motored one exit to the east and hit Country's Barbecue.

I can almost hear your whining now... "But Country's is a chain," you cry, like little piglets stuck under a gate. Well, that's true, it's a chain, but it isn't much of a chain, and it started in Columbus, GA, which is basically Auburn, so it more or less fits the LITG standard that chains have gotta have some kind of an Alabama connection.

Here's the deal with Country's: it's AVERAGE. The pork is good, not great. Chopped or sliced, but not pulled (they can get more gristle in that way). The ribs are fine, just not dandy. Same with the chicken.

Here are actual quotes from actual Gumpers, recorded last Monday after lunch at Country's:

Big Easy Slim - "That was... well... it wasn't great. I'll come back in a year or so."

BB MAK - "I've had worse."

Tojo Yamamoto - "Pork gristly. Ribs OK. Chicken not so bad. Brunswick stew good but little on tangy side for Tojo. French fries soggy. Beans good. Corn on cob frozen but interesting to Tojo. Grilled onions nice touch. Chef salad make good appetizer."

Shadow Pup - "They wouldn't let me in. I tried to tell them I was Tojo's service animal but they weren't buying it."

Cornbread Carp - "I was given a choice of french bread, something called 'light bread' and cornbread. I said, for the love of God, don't you know who I am?"

Catfish - "There I was, not five minutes from Jim & Nick's and y'all make me drive all the way from East Gump for this?"

Fat Clemenza - "Would it kill us to drive up to Pratt Vegas and stop in at Fat Boy's? Huh? Would it? Just once?"

Chase N. Allpots - "My word."

The overriding sentiment appeared to be that nobody left Country's hungry. This is not a ringing endorsement for a barbecue joint. Hell, barbecue joints are supposed to spark spirited debate between their respective devotees and detractors. Why, I myself almost came to blows with some numbnuts who tried to convince me that Cotton's sauce (Eclectic) is better than Jim's (unincorporated Autauga County). What an idiot.

Here's a typical Country's barbecue plate:

If they pulled it instead of chopping it, they'd move up the charts a little.

BIG DIGRESSION # 1 - Rank 'Em

Top Hat BBQ. I-65 N, about 30 miles past B'ham.
Blount Springs exit. Turn right. Go a few miles. Thank me later.

There are 765 barbecue joints in Alabama (I dare you to prove otherwise), including some of the world's finest. Here they are, all 765, ranked in numerical order of awesomeness (skipping a few for the sake of brevity):

1. Top Hat (Blount Springs)
2. Jim's (US 82 somewhere between Billingsley and God-knows-where)
3. B'HAM Q (see guest review/big digression #2 below)
4. Johnny's (Cullman)
5. Dreamland #1 (Jug Factory Road, Tuscaloosa)
6. Green Top (Dora) * saw a guy get shot in there one time *
7. Big Bob Gibson's (Decatur)
8. Bob Sykes (Bessemer)
9. Big Cove B-B-Q (Huntsville)
10. Fat Boy's (Pratt Vegas, aka The Preferred Community)
.
.
.
17. Twix & Tween (Centreville, still damn good, mind your speed)
.
.
.
383. Country's (Montgomery)(smack dab in the middle)
.
.
.
765. Cotton's (Lake Martin)

I would have included Archibald's (Northport/Tuscaloosa) in the Top 10 but I heard there was some sort of a problem with their business license... something about folks selling crack in the parking lot, people hanging out, acting the fool, etc. They opened a new location off Skyland but it may have been blown away last month. I'm not sure about all this but will check it out before football season.

Anyway, back on topic. Country's. Average. If Country's was a ballplayer it would be Mario Mendoza.

Lifetime batting average: .215

If Country's were a white band, it would be the Average White Band.

AWB's drummer, Steve Ferrone (the only black member
of the otherwise lily-white Scottish funkstompers), has been
the drummer for Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers since 1994.

If Country's was some guy, that guy would be named "Joe."

If Country's... ahh, screw it, you get the point.

BIG DIGRESSION #2 - B'ham "Q"
There are quite a few great BBQ joints in the B'ham area, although I don't frequent them very often. Usually when my business (refereeing cockfights) takes me to the 'Ham, I like to settle in for some big-city chow at Highland's Bar & Grill, Bottega, Hot & Hot Fish Club or some of the other establishments where the beautiful people dine and whine. So I called on my old pal and noted food expert Jimmy Fat Dog (no relation to Shadow Pup) to clue me in on the best of Magic City BBQ. Here is his take on the B'ham smoked meat scene.

Ribs: Golden Rule in Irondale. Baby backs are fantastic. None of those bullshit fern-bar baby backs… these are cooked on the pit right in front of your eyes. Don’t say, “What about Dreamland?” Dreamland’s big fatty-ass ribs can’t touch these.

Pork: Golden Rule and Jim & Nicks are both good, but I think for pure Q I like
Half Moon BBQ. Former Tide assistant coach Pat James originally started Half Moon. Upon his retirement from the gridiron he opened a little BBQ joint on the Southside. Big hit and some savvy Greek restaurateurs eventually bought him out. Now there are several locations around town and I believe they have franchised a couple of locations up the east coast.

Beef: BBQ beef sucks. Let Texans eat that shit.

Chicken: Miss Myra’s in Cahaba Heights. Outstanding BBQ Chicken. They also do a smoked chicken salad. I don’t mean a salad with sliced chicken on it… I mean the traditional country club chicken salad but made with smoked chicken. Very good.

Hamburger Steak: All real BBQ joints offer an HBS. Lloyd's BBQ on HY 280 wrote the book and the Golden Rule in Irondale has a good one as well.

I could go on and on about the sides. Golden Rule has the best fries and good onion rings. Lloyd's has the best onion rings. Golden Rule has a good slaw. All the above joints have acceptable beans.

Also, it is very important to note that when I refer to the Golden Rule, it should be noted, only the Golden Rule in Irondale is worth a shit.

Thanks JFD.

So anyway. Country's is average. So if you get a powerful BBQ jones you are just gonna have to go over the wall. Maybe way, way over the wall.