What Derk's Filet & Vine, the Carp's Corruption Trial, Louisiana. Redfish, Moby Dick, the USOPEN and the Pledge of Allegiance Have in Common

Derk's Proudly Displays the 2010 LCBS Certificate!

The answer is: The invention of agriculture!

You see, after exile for two weeks in the chain restaurant capitol of the world (i.e. Dothan AL) it was comforting to return to No-Clo and the 2010 LBCS Champion: Derk's Filet & Vine for the best lunch in the Gump for $12.44 including tax and tea. What is so great about Derk's is that the food is so consistently good that you take the quality for granted. This allows your mind to focus on more important things like the banter by and between long-time LITG regulars Bidgood Bob, Fat Clemenza, Norm, and The Younger. Thanks to the invention of agriculture which supplies Derk's with the meats and produce served up each day and, incidentally, which freed humankind to study literature, art, philosophy and blogging, here is what your humble, noble and sometimes ranty pup learned around one of the Derk's tables in the wine section of the deli/grocery/bottle shop that is our local Filet & Vine:

The Cornbread Carp's Corruption Trial: As has been previously noted in this blog, our Cornbread Carp was indicted last year by the FBI for allegedly offering favorable blog posts in exchange for extra spring rolls and/or desserts at the Green Papaya. Apparently, one of the waitstaff was wearing a wire. The news from the trial was that, so far, it is going well for the Carp. The prosecution's first witness, Somsong "Scott" Dufusjai, did obtain a recording of the Carp saying: "I just want you to show me some love and a couple of extra egg rolls would help me understand the quality of the food and write a better review." However, although Dufusjai knew he was wired, the tapes also caught him engaging in ethnic food slurs such as: "These pasty crackers don't understand anything about Asian peppers." The jury, which is half cracker, rolled their eyes at several such incredibly stupid and insensitive remarks as primo defense lawyer Bobby Seagall (second chair to Reginald McLucid) bore into Dufusjai until he looked like wormwood. "Stick a fork in that Dufus," chuckled Joe Espy (counsel for a co-defendant said after 2 1/2 days of testimony by Dufusjai) "He's done." One of the defendants was quoted as saying that Dufusjai should resign as vice-president of the Gump Restaurant Association which spawned numerous such calls from other restaurateurs. So far it looks pretty good for our friend the Carp. Here's hoping he can rejoin the group soon. The consensus of the group is that he has been falsely accused--at least for now. We will see how the wind blows next week.

Louisiana Redfish: Apparently Bidgood Bob spent the last weekend in Cutoff, La. with some Cajun coon ass fishermen (wow, just reading that Dufuses testimony has me barking racial slurs). We learned at lunch that a Redfish recently escaped will bite again which scientifically shows that Redfish have very short attention spans. As Bidgood said: "Redfish live only to eat and make little Redfish." Put them down as words to live by. We also learned that the attraction of Redfish fishing, combined with that of a cold beer, will get you pulled over for speeding in the Parishes south of New Orleans and that you should NEVER, EVER, offer the high sheriff a cold beer when he approaches your driver-side window even when the temperature is 101 degrees in the shade. Thankfully, we also learned that our local probation office does not communicate with Louisiana Parish records, probably because of the Napoleonic Code or some such rational reason.

Moby Dick (the Short Version): The discussion of chasing fish and drinking beer naturally led to a discussion of the classic allegory Moby Dick. Not the one by Herman Melville dummy! We at the LITG prefer the shorter and better version penned by our own Bidgood Bob (you can click on link above to read the entire short version). Let's just say it involves a relentless quest for the white whales that form pods at the Flora Bama and the beers and tequila's that fuel the search and spoil the aim of the harpooners. I like the ending: "From here, accounts of the outcomes differ." I am sure they do.

The USOPEN: The gang was all impressed with the successful quest of Rory McIlroy who won the USOPEN wire to wire at Congressional. Chase N. Allpots, who knew I had been assigned this week's post, "rang me" to remind me that McIlroy was Northern Irish which means he is a British subject who would drink Bushmills Irish Whiskey and not a true Irishman who would drink Jameson's. Thankfully the kid has millions cause he has a bad case of Gingervitis.

The Pledge of Allegiance: But the real subject of conversation turned to the omission of "under God, indivisible" from the lead-in 30-second spot which began coverage of the Open on Sunday. Comments ranged from a vast liberal conspiracy to remove God from all things American to pity for the poor slub who made the call to cut those words from the coverage. He's got some "splainin'" to do for sure. Regardless, in a free country a private company has no duty to repeat the Pledge as written in 1954 or as it existed prior to that date (sans the reference to God). One thing is certain, religion and blogging do not mix so we shall leave this hot potato alone.

All's well that ends well and lunch at Derk's usually ends well. Indeed, by the end of lunch, we had all cleaned our plates (even--in honor of the Carp--to and including devouring the cornbread muffin that jumped ship and hit the floor) and exhausted the above-stated points of conversation. While having a fine lunch we had ventured from current legal events, great literature, a major sporting event and patriotism. Some say LITG is about more than lunch. Some say it is a fine literary society or a political force for good in the world. Some say reading this blog could result in total consciousness and of course results may vary. You say: What do all these things have in common? I say it is the roasted chicken, squash caserole and baby lima beans at Derk's Filet & Vine during Lunch in the Gump and the conversation they spawn.

So stay hungry my friends and support our local fare or (God forbid) we will turn into Dothan with a Capitol...."D"?

(Look for a revieux of Roux at the A&P Lofts soon).

Eat Mor Chikin? The Roast Beast at Martin's Restaurant




If they had room, the chickens would be rolling around in their cages....


Inspired by those brave young Gump Guinea Pigs, I decided to eat outside the box during one of my frequent visits to local fried chicken and cornbread icon: Martin's Restaurant. Every now and then a little change of pace spices up one's mundane day to day grind. Today, being Valentine's Day, I invited my sweetie Myrtle to lunch on her favorite fried chicken and cornbread at Martins in honor of our seven non-consecutive years of living together. In fact, Martins is about the only incentive that will get old Mert out of the trailer park and away from her DVR collection of "The Biggest Loser" episodes (and her vodka and milk).

After seven years with the same person some things get a little old. Same is true of even our favorite restaurants and, darn it, even very good fried chicken. So today while Myrtle ordered her usual white meat with three sides one being fried green tomatoes (only available every other day), I took a walk on the wild side with an order of the Roast Beast. When I ordered Myrtle looked up from her menu with a curious expression that turned to one of affection. "Wow," she purred, "You thinking of doing something different is exciting." I knew that look and said: "Would you like a bite of my roast beast?" She replied in a husky whisper: "You might get a bite later if you're lucky...."

Fish on!

When the meal came (with extra cornbread of course), I was not disappointed. The roast beast was fork-cutting tender and not so much to eat that I had to loosen my belt at the table. I noted that Myrtle's Spanx were visably undulating as she chowed down on the cornbread but of course I said nothing so as not to destroy the "try something new" Karma. Indeed, Myrtle loved the little nip of beef (a few more bites) and started murmuring something about she making it worth my while back at the castle on wheels tonight. She had completely forgotten that I had not given her any card or roses this Valentines Day. And not one word about getting hitched after all these years of living in sin. (After all, she needs to go ahead and get that divorce first). I sealed the deal with a double order of 'nanner pudding which she gobbled until her Spanx almost blew.

So, to hell with all these commercial devices designed to shame us menfolk into spending money on things completely impractical. Who needs diamonds, chocolates, flowers and cards? I say the way to a woman's heart is through her pie hole. To prove it I can only say that Mert and I left Martin's hand in hand with a warm glow in our bellies, lust in our hearts and feeling much better about ourselves and our relationship than when we walked in. After today I think there may be a case for considering cornbread an aphrodisiac, especially when warm and lathered with whipped butter from the Land-O-Lakes.

Heck, after tonight I may even pay the filing fee for her divorce.

I just hope I can stay awake while she watches "The Biggest Loser".

Bra-cha-cha!

Fearless and Expendable: LITG Debuts Elite Recon Squad

Gump Guinea Pigs hit the salad bar at the barracks.
Waiting for a mission.

Today the Lunch in the Gump Secret Committee (they know who they are) announced the formation of the Gump Guinea Pigs, an elite unit of first-strike commandos dedicated to keeping the Gump safe for gastronomy.

The "Pigs" are dedicated to the memory of LITG co-founders Doyle B. Cooper, who perished in a freak accident with a Chris' Dog, and Theodore "Ted" Binion, who was tragically smothered by a Sundown East hamburger steak.

The Secret Committee made the final decision to establish the Pigs after three veteran LITG reviewers nearly committed suicide after a trip to newly-opened Momma Nem's.

"They never shoulda sent us to that joint," said long-time gumper and Momma Nem's survivor Fat Clemenza. "We didn't know what hit us. We coulda been wiped out."

In a press release, the Secret Committee announced that henceforth any newly-opened restaurant will be visited first by the Gump Guinea Pigs before any formal review by Gump regulars. The Pigs are specially trained for rapid deployment, reconnaissance, escape and evasion. They are highly intelligent, resourceful and exhibit a fearlessness matched only by Gurkha warriors and short drunks with Napoleon complexes.

The typical Gump Guinea Pig mission is to enter an establishment, evaluate wait time and competence of staff, sample the menu, assess pricing, check for roaches and such, settle up and then haul ass to the extraction point for debriefing later at Gump HQ. Each Pig must also demonstrate a hardy constitution and the ability to survive spoiled meat, canned vegetables and surly waitresses.

"Hell, in my last job I had West Nile Virus injected directly into my bloodstream," said the Pigs' commanding officer. "I think I can handle a little bad Chinese."

The Secret Committee also announced the Pigs' first assignment, a successful recon mission to Harper's, the new downtown eatery in the space formerly occupied by the Regions Bank cafeteria. Harper's is operated by the Culinary Arts Department of Trenholm State Technical College. LITG's resident elitist snob, Chase N. Allpots, said of the Harper's mission, "If ever there was an operation that called for courage and expendability, this one was it."

Well, at least your tax dollars aren't
being wasted on fancy signage.

At Harper's, the Guinea Pigs learned, among other things, that the main entrance to the old Regions Bank is sealed, so you have to go around back where the drive-thru used to be, then follow the rather inconspicuous signage and take an elevator to the 2nd floor, then down a half-flight of stairs into Harper's. At the de-briefing it was also revealed that the place is only open on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then only during certain parts of the TSTC academic calendar.

One key bit of intelligence uncovered by the Pigs was that Harper's is a favorite of Judge Roy Moore and his staff of fundraisers, bodyguards, yes-men and flunkies. This valuable information was relayed to long-time LITG reviewer Tojo Yamamoto, who adheres not to the Ten Commandments but to the Three Essential Truths, which are:

1) We are all going to die;
2) When the IRS wants their money, they are going to get their money; and
3) A man will do just about anything for food or sex.

"Judge Moore make Tojo uncomfortable," said Tojo, with his usual brevity.

Lastly, the Pigs found the food at Harper's to be quite good and reasonably priced. High praise was given to the Chicken Pontalba, a New Orleans favorite, and the gumbo was well-received. The cornbread was judged to be Carp-worthy. Tea and water glasses remained filled and the Pigs were in and out in less than 30 minutes. The post-action medical examination of the Pigs (24 hours after each mission, no exceptions) revealed full gastrointestinal function and no ill effects.

Thanks to the Gump Guinea Pigs, the Gump regulars now feel safe to do a full review.

Cecil Carp Hits Rock Bottom as Questions Continue....

(Finebaum Network)--As if highly acclaimed blogger Corn B. Carp did not have enough problems already, over the past week there have appeared highly trustworthy internet postings quoting annoymous sources and others who only contradict themselves every other day, that Corn B. Carp's father, the Rev. Cecil Newton Carp, was shopping great reviews from his son with at least one local sports bar in Montgomery: The Rock Bottom American Pub.

In what appears to be one of the finest examples of internet journalism, EFPN.COM (Eating Food Programming Network) reported that Cecil Carp had approached a friend of the owner of the Rock Bottom American Pub and said "It will take a lot more than a free lunch to get my son to write a favorable review of that dump." The source, who refused to be named, said the conversation was recorded and reported to the Federal Blogging Investigation Agency (FBI).

A representative of Rock Bottom American Pub first said they knew nothing about the contact with Rev. Carp, but later was reported to have turned the matter over to the Alabama Restaurant Association and the Montgomery Health Department. No review of Rock Bottom American Pub was ever posted on Lunch in the Gump where "Cornbread Carp" is a frequent poster. Lunch in the Gump is recognized universally as the world's most popular blog specializing in reviewing restaurants in downtown Montgomery, Alabama, affectionately known amoung locals as "The Gump." Urban Spoon, a national restaurant rating web, lists Lunch in the Gump as its number one blog.

When contacted for comment, the younger Carp referred questions to his attorney, Reginald T. McLucid, who issued this statement: "The idea that my client would even consider eating at such a dive, much less writing about it, is preposterous." McLucid is currently defending Mr. Carp against allegations he was involved in a "Food For Publicity" scheme related to a favorable review of The Green Papaya which was posted on Lunch in the Gump.

The Rock Bottom American Pub has consistently received unfavorable reviews on other restaurant review web sites, according to a representative of Urban Spoon, who also requested to remain nameless. "Perhaps Rev. Newton thought they would be desparate for a good review from the best blog around," the representative speculated.

From the looks of the dried crab claws and non-existent lunch crowd witnessed today at Rock Bottom American Pub, there appears to be a flock of patrons staying away from the establishment either because of the quality of the food or the recent scandal. It was noted that the menu did contain references to cornbread.

The editors of Lunch in the Gump, when contacted for comment, said that as far as they were concerned, their beloved "Cornbread Carp" was still eligible to post on the blog and would remain an author with authority to post. Attorney McLucid could not resist a parting shot: "The internet news media has hit Rock Bottom. The truth will eventually come out despite them."

Carp Pleads Innocence--Legal Team Announced

(AP)--The "Blogging 11" were arraigned today at the Federal Courthouse. Each plead "not guilty" to the 65-count indictment charging they took favors from restaurants in exchange for glowing reviews. The defendants included bloggers from "Eat Gump," "Midtown Montgomery Living," "Lunch in the Gump," "Urban Spoon," "Lost in Montgomery," and "The Adventures of Pirate Bendy."

[Portions of article dealing with other blogs deleted]

Lunch in the Gump's Corn B. Carp refused to repeat his "I was baited!" quote made at his arrest last week. He deferred all questions to the head of his legal team Reginald T. McLucid who introduced the remainder of the team: David Copperfield and Chuckles the Clown. "This will be a dog and pony show to rival Barnum and Bailey," Mr. McLucid said as Copperfield made the 125-page indictment disappear in a puff of smoke.

"Poof!"

Also with "Team Carp" was a large oriental gentleman wearing a red silk robe and sandals presumed to be former wrestler Tojo Yamamoto and rumored to be Blogger # 2 referenced in the indictment.

Supporters of the indicted bloggers rallied outside the courthouse carrying signs. One woman, who would only say her name was "Tammy E", held a sign that read: "Cornbread, You Changed My Life!" When interviewed she said she was afraid to go out to many lunch spots in Montgomery until the "Lunch in the Gump" blog appeared. "I believe the Carp is innocent," she added, "I am here because I believe this is an injustice."

The crowd outside was not all pro-blogger. One man, who called himself "George" held a sign depicting a cloud of shoes circling Montgomery. "The other shoes are about the drop," he said with a mysterious grin.

U.S. Magistrate Judge Capell Howard set the trial for all eleven on April 4, 2011. At the present time, no motions for separate trials have been filed.

After the arraignment was over, the Blogging 11 enjoyed a fine lunch at Reggie's Place in the basement of the courthouse. Reggies was reviewed on Lunch in the Gump months ago.

Carp Indicted by FBI for Allegedly Demanding Improper Inducements for Favorable Post

(Association Press)-- A Montgomery blogger was arrested today at his trailer by agents of the Federal Blogging Institute (FBI) for allegedly demanding and accepting improper inducements from a restaurant owner to post a favorable review touting the owner's restaurant. Corn B. Carp, 33, was taken into custody at 4 a.m. this morning and charged with corrupt blogging, conspiracy to mislead the public and receiving improper inducements pertaining to a recent post on the "Lunch in the Gump" blog, which is purportedly the worlds most popular blog on eating lunch within the confines of the by-pass surrounding Montgomery, Alabama.

"This arrest reveals the dirty underbelly of the restaurant review blogging community," said chief investigator Prince Karming. "The Blog-Ola generated by organized and unlicensed restaurant review blogging corrupts many of those involved."
The 65-count indictment reveals that representatives of Green Papaya were wired by FBI agents when Mr. Carp, generally known by his nom de plume "Cornbread Carp," offered a favorable review in exchange for free egg rolls.

"I just want you to show me some love," the indictment quotes a tape of Mr. Carp during a phone call to the owner. "I really like egg rolls and a couple of egg rolls would help me understand the quality of the food and write a better review."

The indictment alleges that Mr .Carp received free egg rolls and, in exchange, wrote a glowing review of Green Papaya which appeared last week. In the review, still available at http://lunchinthegump.blogspot.com/2010/10/green-papaya-good-for-gump-and-you.html, "Cornbread Carp" made claims that the food would cause patrons to loose weight.

"Mr. Carp's mistake was asserting in the blog the egg rolls were 'complimentary' when we knew that they are always ala cart," said Karming who also noted that the post made several preposterous claims about the food.

When reached for comment Mr. Carp said only: "I was baited." He referred all questions to his attorney, Reginald McLucid. "This whole claim was politically motivated by Gov. Bob Riley because of a review of Eastbrook Cafe which revealed a raid on a local restaurant for serving pulley bones. We look forward to proving Mr. Carp's innocence at trial." McLucid noted that the Green Papaya had already been favorably reviewed on the Lunch in the Gump blog well before the alleged fraudulent transaction and that the egg rolls had no affect on Mr. Carp's review of the restaurant. "I mean, obviously, this guy really likes cornbread--not egg rolls," McLucid said.

Interestingly, the indictment listed several unnamed co-conspirators. For example, "Blogger No. 1" was described as suggesting the egg-rolls during a taped conversation at the restaurant. A "Blogger No. 2" was recorded speaking in a foreign accent--probably Asian--without articles in very short sentences like: "[Blogger No. 2] like." Further indictments are expected, said an unnamed source.

When contacted for comment, the Lunch in the Gump blog editors refused to take down the questioned post defiantly stating: "Except for all the obvious hyperbole concerning the benefits of Thai food, we stand by our post and behind the Carp!," the editor said. "Hell, we don't even allow advertising." The LITG web page does contain the following Advertising Disclaimer: "Although begged often to sell ads at ridiculously high rates, Lunch in the Gump has to date steadfastly refused to allow anyone to sway our opinions with the filthy lucre selling advertising space generates. The stupid "Adsense" stuff you see on the right-hand side is something Google adds but we (to date) have received none of the revenue from that nor do we control what the computer program selects for ads although the ads appear to be based upon what we post. Inquiries should be directed to bamabing@lunchinthegump.com."

Mr. Carp addresses the media with his counsel

Green Papaya Good for the Gump and You.

[Ed. Note: Despite the recent indictment of the "Cornbread Carp," except for the patent hyperbole concerning the benefits of Thai food, we stand behind this post and our friend.]

I know they do not serve cornbread, but GreenPapaya serves up the kind of food that makes a body feel good. Whomever at the Agonizer only voted the Green Papaya "three" forks has a lot of 'splainin to do. Why, that reviewer was dumber than Les Miles in the 4th quarter. Green Papaya is definitely "five" forks out of four by any unbiased observer.

Today the gang (Bama Bing, He Who Has no Nickname, The Younger, "Stormin Norman" and I) all decided to meet at the Forest Hills Shopping Center landmark where the prices are reasonable, service quick and food deliciously good for you. Boy were we not disappointed: Pud Thai, Mussman Curry Chicken, and some dish no one could pronounce. All served with a tasty soup, complimentary egg-rolls and a bottomless tea glass for under the Tojo Line. The chicken is hand raised, the curry home grown by Capuchin Monks, and the spices flown in daily from Laos. Some of the spices are known to lower cholesterol and increase the incidence of free radicals. They actually cause significant weight loss when ordered "Thai Hot." In other words, ordering food at Green Papaya causes you to leave healthier and thinner, if not slightly less wealthy.

Try as you might, I challenge you to find a better "Asian" food experience in the Gump. Voting on Urban Spoon has shown that a very high percentage of patrons of Green Papaya "like" it. In fact, Green Papaya is rated one of the top ten restaurants in the Gump and surrounding environs. So when voting time comes for the "Best of Montgomery" ratings in The Montgomery Advertiser, we at LITG expect you, our loyal readers, to vote early and often for Green Papaya. Together we can make it the number 1 "Chinese" restaurant in the Gump (as stupid as that sounds). It would be good for you and Montgomery.

Did I mention they serve beer?

New Poll: Gump Winter Olympics Medal Count

There is something going on in the Great White North relating to snow and ice.

Here in the Gump be sure to vote for for the presumed Country of origin for your favorite Gump "cuisine" in a new poll posted on LITG today! I am P.O.ed they did not list my favorite: Japan! Such is life in the Gump. Poll closes in 2/22/MMX.

Example 1: BBMAK likes goat curry at India Palace she should vote, duh, for INDIA!

Example 2: Fat Clemenza likes lasagna at Corsinos, he should vote for Sicily...er ITALY!

Example 3: Tojo like Green Papaya fried rice, vote THAILAND!

Example 4: Cornbread Carp likes Martins cornbread, he, she or it votes: USA!

Example 5: Burned-out "Statey" likes Tokyo MSG but since Tokyo serves nothing like Japanese food and, like the Shiba Inu in me, must choose some country other than Japan, vote CHINA!

Example 6: Show Dog likes the Chile Poblano with the head on at La Zona Rosa, he votes: MEXICO!

Get it?

Follow the only medal count that counts here on LITG. May the best Gump cuisine win!

SP

Originally posted at http://www.lunchinthegump.com/