Fearless and Expendable: LITG Debuts Elite Recon Squad

Gump Guinea Pigs hit the salad bar at the barracks.
Waiting for a mission.

Today the Lunch in the Gump Secret Committee (they know who they are) announced the formation of the Gump Guinea Pigs, an elite unit of first-strike commandos dedicated to keeping the Gump safe for gastronomy.

The "Pigs" are dedicated to the memory of LITG co-founders Doyle B. Cooper, who perished in a freak accident with a Chris' Dog, and Theodore "Ted" Binion, who was tragically smothered by a Sundown East hamburger steak.

The Secret Committee made the final decision to establish the Pigs after three veteran LITG reviewers nearly committed suicide after a trip to newly-opened Momma Nem's.

"They never shoulda sent us to that joint," said long-time gumper and Momma Nem's survivor Fat Clemenza. "We didn't know what hit us. We coulda been wiped out."

In a press release, the Secret Committee announced that henceforth any newly-opened restaurant will be visited first by the Gump Guinea Pigs before any formal review by Gump regulars. The Pigs are specially trained for rapid deployment, reconnaissance, escape and evasion. They are highly intelligent, resourceful and exhibit a fearlessness matched only by Gurkha warriors and short drunks with Napoleon complexes.

The typical Gump Guinea Pig mission is to enter an establishment, evaluate wait time and competence of staff, sample the menu, assess pricing, check for roaches and such, settle up and then haul ass to the extraction point for debriefing later at Gump HQ. Each Pig must also demonstrate a hardy constitution and the ability to survive spoiled meat, canned vegetables and surly waitresses.

"Hell, in my last job I had West Nile Virus injected directly into my bloodstream," said the Pigs' commanding officer. "I think I can handle a little bad Chinese."

The Secret Committee also announced the Pigs' first assignment, a successful recon mission to Harper's, the new downtown eatery in the space formerly occupied by the Regions Bank cafeteria. Harper's is operated by the Culinary Arts Department of Trenholm State Technical College. LITG's resident elitist snob, Chase N. Allpots, said of the Harper's mission, "If ever there was an operation that called for courage and expendability, this one was it."

Well, at least your tax dollars aren't
being wasted on fancy signage.

At Harper's, the Guinea Pigs learned, among other things, that the main entrance to the old Regions Bank is sealed, so you have to go around back where the drive-thru used to be, then follow the rather inconspicuous signage and take an elevator to the 2nd floor, then down a half-flight of stairs into Harper's. At the de-briefing it was also revealed that the place is only open on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then only during certain parts of the TSTC academic calendar.

One key bit of intelligence uncovered by the Pigs was that Harper's is a favorite of Judge Roy Moore and his staff of fundraisers, bodyguards, yes-men and flunkies. This valuable information was relayed to long-time LITG reviewer Tojo Yamamoto, who adheres not to the Ten Commandments but to the Three Essential Truths, which are:

1) We are all going to die;
2) When the IRS wants their money, they are going to get their money; and
3) A man will do just about anything for food or sex.

"Judge Moore make Tojo uncomfortable," said Tojo, with his usual brevity.

Lastly, the Pigs found the food at Harper's to be quite good and reasonably priced. High praise was given to the Chicken Pontalba, a New Orleans favorite, and the gumbo was well-received. The cornbread was judged to be Carp-worthy. Tea and water glasses remained filled and the Pigs were in and out in less than 30 minutes. The post-action medical examination of the Pigs (24 hours after each mission, no exceptions) revealed full gastrointestinal function and no ill effects.

Thanks to the Gump Guinea Pigs, the Gump regulars now feel safe to do a full review.

Clash of the Dives! All City Coney Invades Chris' Hotdog Territory

[Ed. Note 11/26/2013: Gone the way of the DoDo Bird.]

The LITG Gang is a pretty tough crowd. The other day I invited them to join me at the new "All-City Coney Island Eatery" for a review of this "new" eatery (which opened Oct. 26) and the first response I received was: "Where is that greasy spoon?" Well, it is located at the corner of Madison and N. Union in the building here that former "sh*t hole" "Tokyo" was located. Tokyo was not favorably reviewed by this crowd previously. See prior review here. Why the new proprietors list "formerly Tokyo" on their menus is unclear. The interior of the place certainly has not changed much:

Statey's wait for their Coney Island dogs.

I was originally attracted to this place in order to defend the turf of our beloved Gump icon: Chris' Hot dogs. Loyal readers are familiar with our affinity for that good ol' reliable dive by our past posting and our April Fool's Day spoof about its closing. I was fully prepared to rant about this "interloper" who dares to upset the hot dog balance of power in Gump City with an array of Coney Island dogs and burgers. Alas, my two "Coney's" took the wind out of my negative sails. The service was quick, pleasant and the No. 1 special (which includes two Coney's, fries and a drink for about $6) "to go" was actually pretty good.

The No. 1 includes 2 Coneys (shown here without optional kraut)

I would never suggest that the dogs are better than Chris' and I cannot comment on the burgers, wings or breakfast options because I did not try any of them. However, knowing as I do that normal digestive systems do not allow one to lunch at Chris' more than once a month and in light of the demise of Doyle B when a Chris' dog ate through the lining of his immense stomach, I guess I would have to admit that it might be a good thing to have a choice of dogs in downtown. Competition is usually good, isn't it? Maybe? Is this Gump big enough for two excellent hot dog joints (not including the "Hot Dog Guy" on the corner of Tallapoosa and Commerce)?

So, if your stomach still hurts from your last Chris' hot dog but your body yearns for more tube steak, you might give the All-City Coney a try. Let me know what you think and we shall see if we, in the future, go off on the formerly Tokyo sh*t hole. So far so good?

Slumped Over in the Gump: LITG co-founder DoyleB succumbs to IBS

Lunch in the Gump mourns the passing of its co-founder Doyle B, who passed away this morning after a courageous two-week battle with indigestion and irritable bowel syndrome, believed to have been brought on by complications from a recent trip to Chris’ Hot Dogs.

Doyle fell ill soon after writing a favorable but poorly-received review of the nearly 100 year-old Dexter Avenue eatery. According to friends and co-workers, he initially brushed off the usual indigestion as “probably just another heart attack” and did not seek immediate medical attention.

"We call it the China Syndrome,” said one gumper, on the condition of anonymity, “once a Chris Dog gets through that first layer of stomach lining, you play hell stopping it.”

Similar incidents have been known to occur after trips to Hamburger King, Mexico Tipico and even late-night Krystal runs, but no member of Lunch in the Gump has ever paid the ultimate price, until now. “I always figured it would be Shadow Pup,” said long-time Gumper Reginald McLucid, “he’ll eat anything, even if it comes out of a dumpster or off the side of the road. I never envisioned Doyle going out this way.”

Tearful gumper Catfish remembers Doyle as “A man who could eat anything.” Catfish went on to say, “That guy could eat sushi, followed by gumbo, after snacking on red-hot pork skins with Tabasco sauce and then chase it all down with three or four Bryant-Denny dogs. I can’t believe he got taken out by a damn Chris Dog.”

Survivors include Doyle’s on-again, off-again common-law wife and some ungrateful kids, not a one of whom looks like Doyle.

Lunch in the Gump co-founder Binion announced that a memorial service will be held Wednesday at the Capitol Inn. “Wednesday is all-you-can-eat fried pork chop day at the CI,” said Binion. “Doyle would have wanted everybody to join him for one last trip down the buffet. Or two trips.”

"It includes dessert," added charter gumper Fat Clemenza.

Doyle was a big fella, so active pallbearers will be Binion, Catfish, Reginald McLucid, Clemenza, He-Who-Has-No-Nickname, Show Dog, The Younger, Mimi Furst (if she shows up), BoDiddly, Shadow Pup, Tojo Yamamoto, Freddie the Rat, Zorro, BB MAK and Elihu Smails, plus volunteers as needed.

Newcomer Bidgood Bob will take over Doyle's LITG responsibilities, effective immediately, or as soon as he gets out of the men's room after his trip to Wintzell's.