Fearless and Expendable: LITG Debuts Elite Recon Squad

Gump Guinea Pigs hit the salad bar at the barracks.
Waiting for a mission.

Today the Lunch in the Gump Secret Committee (they know who they are) announced the formation of the Gump Guinea Pigs, an elite unit of first-strike commandos dedicated to keeping the Gump safe for gastronomy.

The "Pigs" are dedicated to the memory of LITG co-founders Doyle B. Cooper, who perished in a freak accident with a Chris' Dog, and Theodore "Ted" Binion, who was tragically smothered by a Sundown East hamburger steak.

The Secret Committee made the final decision to establish the Pigs after three veteran LITG reviewers nearly committed suicide after a trip to newly-opened Momma Nem's.

"They never shoulda sent us to that joint," said long-time gumper and Momma Nem's survivor Fat Clemenza. "We didn't know what hit us. We coulda been wiped out."

In a press release, the Secret Committee announced that henceforth any newly-opened restaurant will be visited first by the Gump Guinea Pigs before any formal review by Gump regulars. The Pigs are specially trained for rapid deployment, reconnaissance, escape and evasion. They are highly intelligent, resourceful and exhibit a fearlessness matched only by Gurkha warriors and short drunks with Napoleon complexes.

The typical Gump Guinea Pig mission is to enter an establishment, evaluate wait time and competence of staff, sample the menu, assess pricing, check for roaches and such, settle up and then haul ass to the extraction point for debriefing later at Gump HQ. Each Pig must also demonstrate a hardy constitution and the ability to survive spoiled meat, canned vegetables and surly waitresses.

"Hell, in my last job I had West Nile Virus injected directly into my bloodstream," said the Pigs' commanding officer. "I think I can handle a little bad Chinese."

The Secret Committee also announced the Pigs' first assignment, a successful recon mission to Harper's, the new downtown eatery in the space formerly occupied by the Regions Bank cafeteria. Harper's is operated by the Culinary Arts Department of Trenholm State Technical College. LITG's resident elitist snob, Chase N. Allpots, said of the Harper's mission, "If ever there was an operation that called for courage and expendability, this one was it."

Well, at least your tax dollars aren't
being wasted on fancy signage.

At Harper's, the Guinea Pigs learned, among other things, that the main entrance to the old Regions Bank is sealed, so you have to go around back where the drive-thru used to be, then follow the rather inconspicuous signage and take an elevator to the 2nd floor, then down a half-flight of stairs into Harper's. At the de-briefing it was also revealed that the place is only open on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then only during certain parts of the TSTC academic calendar.

One key bit of intelligence uncovered by the Pigs was that Harper's is a favorite of Judge Roy Moore and his staff of fundraisers, bodyguards, yes-men and flunkies. This valuable information was relayed to long-time LITG reviewer Tojo Yamamoto, who adheres not to the Ten Commandments but to the Three Essential Truths, which are:

1) We are all going to die;
2) When the IRS wants their money, they are going to get their money; and
3) A man will do just about anything for food or sex.

"Judge Moore make Tojo uncomfortable," said Tojo, with his usual brevity.

Lastly, the Pigs found the food at Harper's to be quite good and reasonably priced. High praise was given to the Chicken Pontalba, a New Orleans favorite, and the gumbo was well-received. The cornbread was judged to be Carp-worthy. Tea and water glasses remained filled and the Pigs were in and out in less than 30 minutes. The post-action medical examination of the Pigs (24 hours after each mission, no exceptions) revealed full gastrointestinal function and no ill effects.

Thanks to the Gump Guinea Pigs, the Gump regulars now feel safe to do a full review.

It Takes a Village...Kitchen, Pimm's Cup and Truffle Fries

[Ed Note: On Tax Day 4/18/2011, this was in the window of the Village Kitchen]

What new restaurant will replace Village Kitchen?

While not expecting a dining experience on the level of Galatoire’s nor a tuxedo clad maître’ d to snap for my seating, I did hear tell of a new local bill of fare in my Cloverdale hometown that would suit my discerning tastes. I am delighted to note that The Village Kitchen is located next door to my very own club in Old Cloverdale, and attempting to remain anonymous during my maiden visit, I fetched my big nose and glasses from the glove box of my Benz, donned and entered to dine alone as usual, hopefully undisturbed by the rabble that frequent places like Derk’s down the street.

I was promptly greeted by a pair of young respectably dressed young men (one with “highlights” in his hair) who honored my request of seating in a corner near a curtain for privacy. While I found no white table cloths, I did take notice of the substantial renovations that the new owners had accomplished. My aging ears (due no doubt to listening to the Nessum Dorma at extreme levels on the headphones) were pleased to be exposed to merely a conversational level of background clatter, substantial chairs with soft white leather seats and matching tufted leather, button appointed wall coverings behind booth and bench seating. Being the sentimental Gumperdale curmudgeon that I am, I took particular note of the prominent, appropriate display of an old sign from “The Great A & P Tea Company” reminding all patrons of the importance of days past. While the tables were ghastly topped in replaceable brown paper coverings, I took an editorial note that this was probably out of expedience and corrections to be made forth with. Properly seated I did see that each table was appointed with a small delightful potted red-tipped jade plant, obviously placed to draw the eye away from the brown paper.

I received my menu from Summer, a delightful oddly named waitress, who proceeded to guide me through options, noting that Butternut Squash was the soup de jour and opining that it was very good. (Looking through my disguise, I remembered that I was undercover I refrained from instructing her that I would be the judge of that). Summer (that odd name again), did tell me that the libations were on the other side of the menu. I turned the page and located the “Cloverdale Pimm’s Cup”. Pimms, Gruet Sparkling Wine, ginger syrup & cucumber. I sat upright and ordered two. A Pimm’s Cup, A PIMM’S CUP,
A P I M M ‘ S C U P !!!!! In the GUMP! Who would have ever imagined that?

Apologies.

Now the problem. No sooner than my Pimms arrived, I glanced to my right and saw that crass Chase N. Allpots and his driver, the obnoxious Fat Clemenza, coming through the door. Irish and Italians, together, The Horror. I grumbled and slumped below my Pimms and kept a watchful and discreet eye on these two decayed fellows.

As usual, Pots and Clemenza were already sauced. They were also speaking louder than necessary in the newly decorated and quieter surroundings of The Village Kitchen.

A different waitress politely served them their libations: Allpots, already reeking of gin and true to his nature, ordered the “Mind Your Elders” (made with fine Hendricks Gin and Elderflower syrup). Clemenza ordered something Italian called “The Capistrano (Woodford Reserve, Vermouth and Bitters). I finished my Pimm’s Cup and quietly ordered a glass of Cain Cuve Nv6 which was a creamy little cab with good legs.

Summer quietly interrupted my surveillance to ask if I was ready to order. I was. It would be the Roasted Chicken “Cobb” Salad ($11) for me. She reminded me that the soup of the day on Thursday was “Butternut Squash” ($3 Cup). I told Summer I would give it a go.

After Summer departed I turned my attention back to the rouges’ gallery nearby. I overheard Clemenza order the Village Patty Melt ($10)(grilled fresh-ground beef on house-made rye, Russian dressing, caramelized onions and swiss cheese). For his side order he requested Truffled-Parmesan Fries ($3). The thought of truffles took me back to my childhood pet piglet--Mortimer who could find a truffle in a snow storm. Alas, while daydreaming I did not catch Allpots’ order.

My cup of “Butternut Squash” soup appeared as if it had wafted on air. A small but fair portion of orange-butter bisque. It was so buttery good, it would make Linda Richman swoon and call Barbara Streisand. Yes she would. The soup was delicious enough to make me forget the babbling idiots nearby and forget to mind the fake moustache. No matter. No one noticed.

A Buttery Butter Bisque.

Summer removed the vanquished soup promptly and it was only a short time before my Cobb salad arrived. The greens and tomatoes were grown locally. I do not know the origins of the chicken but it was just enough to quench my appetite yet not so much that I felt a pang of guilt. Any guilt I felt was quelled by a sip of the cab. The crumbled blue cheese, egg, tomato, avocado, bacon and red onion vinaigrette melded with the wine and satisfied the palate. It was a salad best savored over fine conversation with a beautiful creamy woman with long legs—like my Cain Cuve.

The Village Kitchen Cobb Salad.

Alas, I had no beautiful nor interesting company. And I could not quit listening to the babbling coming from Allpots and Clemenza about wagers on what Allpots calls “armoured wankerball.” Apparently there is some contest this weekend between a university in Alabama and some Florida reptiles. I only caught something about an 8 point line. Sounds like a heavy line but alligators can be rather large I guess. I really have no idea what all that means but I did notice that Clemenza enjoyed every bit of his patty melt and those truffle fries. I should have ordered some myself. I do so miss Mortimer.

Since the Great Recession is now officially over and I needed to remain hidden until Allpots and Clemenza left, I splurged with some of The Village Kitchen’s “Award Winning Cheesecake” ($5). They must have worked very fast to achieve that award since they just opened yesterday. In any event, whether it was award-winning or not, it was made at the restaurant and it was rich and delicious. I was very glad to have ordered it.

Finally, as I finished my cheesecake, Allpots and Clemenza paid their tab (supposedly) and departed. They seemed very pleased with the entire package and themselves. They were chattering on about how they liked the décor, the service and the food so much, they would be back. Thankfully, they never saw me.

While the Village Kitchen advertises its pride in "Slow Food," the service was anything but while the food tasted like something that had been made that day with hours of preparation.

Drat, I thought. I feel the same way about this remarkable place. It is certainly fit for a gentleman at lunch. If they return often, I may have to actually talk to them at some point. After all, there are not that many places where a gentleman can find truffle parmesan fries and a Pimm’s No. 1 Cup. Regardless, I shall return to The Village Kitchen if they can keep up the level of food and service I experienced today. I give it four swizzles.

Cheerio.

National Signing Day in the Gump!!

[Montgomery] Gump University has announced its 2010 "Fighting Luncheons" signee class. According to coaches and staff, this may be the finest recruiting class in the history of the Gump. “These men and women will make you proud to wear the butter and gravy!,” said Head Coach B.B. Bing as the commitments rolled in at team headquarters.


According to staff reports, the following have faxed in signed agreements as of 3:15 p.m. C.D.T:


1. Tojo Yamamoto: OT: 6’5” 390 pounds from Kyoto, Japan. Yamamoto was a highly recruited lineman known for the Tao of his commentary and his “stomach claw” hold. Although known as a "gentle giant," he is very quick with a post. He was recruited by all the major Oriental schools. He is rated a five-star by Urban Spoon.


2. T. C. Carp: Linebacker: 6’3”, 220 pounds from Chisholm, AL. “T.C” is a strapping cornbread -fed city-boy who reviews a lot a film before exploding into the face of his readers. He plays with a huge chip on his shoulder, coaches say. Needs some work on his spelling grades and may be a partial qualifier. He chose the Gump over offers from Arbys and Country’s Barbequue. He is rated as a three star on Urban Spoon.


3. Peter Clemenza: C: 6’0, 395 pounds from Corleone, Sicily. Affectionately known as “Fat” Clemenza, Peter caught the eyes of scouts with his quick draw and love of Canole’s. A true expert on Italian/Sicilian food, Clemenza will shore up the line of any eating establishment. He turned down offers from the Olive Room and Carrabas. He said GU made him an offer he could not refuse. Urban Spoon shows him as a solid 2-star contributor.


4. Reginald McLucid: TE: 6’4”, 210 pounds from Nigeria. “Reggie” is a highly touted receiver of various barbs. He is quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. He is said to have a strong cocktail move. He is said by his coaches to be a real team player. Prior to GU's offer, the biggest schools on his trail were Duke and East Carolina. Why? He was born in Nigeria, picked up blogging later than most prospects and started for only two seasons. He is a 2-star prospect according to Urban Spoon.


5. Beau Diddley: FB: 5’11, 230 pounds from Opp, AL. Diddly is known for his aggressive blocking in clearing the way for others to enter crowed areas. He will probably start immediately in a lineup depleted by the departure of Benny Binion and D.B. Cooper, both of whom played in the background. Diddley was recruited by Huntingdon as two-sport star. He is rated a 4-star on Urban Spoon.


6. B. B. Mack: End: 5’8”, 175 pounds from Prattville, AL. B.B. led the Lions to several state championships despite size and weight issues. Scouts like her speed and quickness and her ability to mix it up with larger players. She turned down offers from Boston College and many other Eastern establishments. B.B. played sparingly her senior year and but is projected to be more of a contributor to GU in 2010. She was not rated by Urban Spoon.


7. John E. Younger: C: 6’0, 290 pounds from The Gump, AL. Younger was another of GU's signing day surprises. He was a powerful tackle for a struggling Class 4A team who simply overpowered most of the defensive linemen assigned to beat him. He's not big enough to play tackle in college, though, and GU coaches believe he'll settle at center. He's fairly mobile. Younger is an extremely bright student who is expected to enter GU's pre-law program. Urban Spoon rates Younger as a two-star recruit. He is unrated by Scout.com.


8. Mimi Furst: OT: 5’9, 108 pounds from Albertville, AL. Furst is pure speed. She outclassed all of the kick returners in junior college by simply blowing by them on the outside. On her best days, Furst was unstoppable because of her unusual acceleration. She's listed at 108 pounds, but plays bigger on tape. She looks like a very strong wideout. Furst intrigued plenty of West Coast teams, but GU and AEA were the only BCS programs outside the Pac-10 to offer a scholarship. She's something of an enigma. Urban Spoon rates her as a four-star recruit, though Scout.com bestowed only three stars. Misses practice a lot.

9. Morris Cornpone Grits. ATH 5-11, 185, Gump Central, AL. You already know by now that GU loves recruiting high-school quarterbacks. Grits is in that group. He was a fast and creative play-maker under center. It's clear from watching tape, though, that his future isn't at quarterback. Guys like this can turn into a wideout, kick returner, cornerback or safety. Where will Grits settle? Defense seems like the most likely destination. Urban Spoon.com and Scout.com rate him as a three-star prospect.

10. Kent T. Lost. Mascot. 5-6, 200, Myrtlewood, AL. Known by all at the stockyard as "Lost," Kent somehow found someone capable of sending a facsimile to GU accepting a scholarship never offered.

11. David Bronner. CEO. 5-10, 190, Somewhere, Minnesota. David impressed Wall Street for weeks, maybe months, with his adept investment moves until he bought an airline that promptly declared bankruptcy. Known for his chains of green-roofed restaurants throughout Alabama, Bronner is considered a prize recruit to any program that depends on generating paper profits from a cash cow.


12. Darla Jean Pupanovich. Tailback: 2-6, 35, Animal Shelter, AL. A little small for a big time program, "Shadow Pup", as she is affectionately known in the Gump, is one of the quickest and fastest posters available this recruiting year. Why, she is so fast that pictures of her running are blurry due to the Doplar Effect. She is expected to be very elusive running behind a front line of giants like Tojo Yamamoto or Fat Clemenza. If she can stay healthy during a long season of gorging at marginal restaurants, she is expected to contribute greatly. Urban Spoon currently rates her a 5-star despite her diminuative stature.

Quite a recruiting class....

Lagniappe at Lunde's

Fat Clemenza walked me down to Lunde's today so we could console ourselves with some comfort food. The Gang had favorably rated Lunde's previously (see Oct. 11, 2009 and Sept. 10, 2009 reviews) so we found the little place on the first floor corner of the Historic Bell Building and went in around noon. (The place is open 11a-2p for lunch) There were not many there when we arrived but business picked up as we lunched in this quaint place with a lot of homey touches from the Big Easy.

Since the place has been so well reviewed, I will not repeat what has been stated. However, I just have to let everyone know about the "Blackened Pork Loin" available on the Meat and Three Menu. (Here is where Carpasaurus i.e. "The Cornbread Carp" may become interested). When the meat and three arrived I was surprised to see that there was a  square of fluffy, cakey, twinkie-like tasty CORNBREAD the size of a Buick next to the porkus loinus! See below:

Photo by Darla, special to LITG, used with permission. Not actual size.

One funny event: Fat Clemenza asked if one of the vegetable choices--macaroni and cheese--was 'home made.' The smart ass in me would have normally quipped: "Mac and Cheese is about as man-made as a 'vegetable' can ever get." I held my tounge and the waitress politely responded that the M & C was homemade. This caused me to wonder: Are any vegetgables really "home made?" Cake can be "home" made, pie can be "home" made but vegetables?  My green beans and corn were certainly good but I wouldn't think they were "home made." Doesn't the Big Guy Upstairs get some of the credit for "making" them?  Nevertheless, the main point here is that the veggies were tasty and fresh, but the surprise cornbread square was lagniappe! The "other white meat" loin was just perfectly prepared and a generous portion. (Did they know we were professional restaurant reviewers?) Best of all, the price ($7.50 with tea) allowed me to pick up the tab for Fat-C and tip generously all for a "Jackson." Now that's value in the Gump. So try Lunde's, it's now officially Shadow Pup tested, Shadow Pup approved.