Avoiding the Iron Bowl Harangue at Arirang...Almost

You just about cannot go anywhere in this here Gump without hearing expert analysis of the upcoming Iron Bowl.  I don't know about you, but I've about heard enough of "The team that establishes the run will win" or "If it's close in the fourth quarter it might go either way" or "Alabama's defense will stop Auburn's offense." So I started thinking--for me a dangerous task--where could I go to lunch and not be bothered by the mindless blathering cliches about the upcoming "Game of the Week, Month, Year or Century?" Heck, while I was writing this I got solicited for squares on an Iron Bowl game score grid!

Then I passed Korean food hub where one finds the best Korean grocery in the area and Arirang Korean BBQ which, like the Gangnam Grill, sits just across the by-pass within a scones throw of the Gump.  It hit me:  Do they also eat guinea pig?  No, seriously, the thought crossed my pea brain that there--in a Korean buffet restaurant--was a place where I might be able to enjoy some good bulgogi and for at least an hour avoid the clutter and chatter about armored SEC wankerball.

So I pulled into the parking lot and noticed that all the windows were covered with pictures of food and Korean (I presumed) writing. Unlike our friend Chairman Meow, who lived in Korea as a child (and wrote a great article in the Made Paper about Korean restaurants in the Gump you can read by clicking here), I had never been to a Korean BBQ buffet before.  I was a little apprehensive but went inside where the first sign I saw said: "Korean BBQ 11.99.  No BBQ 7.99."  While I tried to figure out what you got with "No BBQ" a very nice Asian lady asked me in English how many and lead me to a table with a hole in the middle--no not a hole.  It was actually a round convex metal grill with a temperature control.

"BBQ?" came the question.  Quickly I calculated the cost between no BBQ and BBQ to be about $4 and reasoned that something was better than nothing.  I answered in the affirmative.

"First time?" came the next question.  "Yes," I said honestly and nervously.

"I help. Go get some meat," she said as she turned on the grill in the middle and it began to glow red through the openings to the heat source below.

So I left the table and went to the buffet.  I started at the meat side (which I later saw was wrong).  I piled one plate with brisket, chicken, marinated beef and pork.  I then filled another plate for vegetables.  I returned for bowls of fruit and steamed rice.

Sitting down at my table I began to place the ingredients on the grill and started to cook.  My waitress noticed I have missed the sauces--duck, hot, brah and blah braa blah--and brought me four in plastic tubs and showed me how to dip the thin cooked slices with the onions/vegetables and then dip them together in one of the sauces before devouring them.  They were really delicious.  It was also fun to do your own cooking right there at your table.  I noticed the same silly dance song replayed over and over but it was a relief from the bombardment of Christmas music and football.

As I looked around I noticed I was the only non-Asian in the place.  Everyone was talking in a foreign language.  The table had signs posted in Korean and English that warned that they were not responsible if you stupidly failed to cook your own meat carefully and that you were free to take all you wanted from the buffet but if you left more than an ounce, you would be fined. The amount of the fine was not stated.  With regard to that admonition, the Korean underneath it must have said: "This does not apply to Koreans" because when the mother/son unit beside me left, their table remained piled with uneaten or cooked food.  I had watched them eat plates and plates of food before they left also so it wasn't left because it wasn't tasty. It was very tasty--especially with the sauces.

I went back to the well several times gradually getting more and more adventuresome.  Never could bring myself to try the "large intestines" but really enjoyed the kimchi.  Not sure if I was supposed to heat it up or not but it was good cold.

As I took a break from cooking I again noticed that, sure enough, everyone appeared to be Korean and they were all talking Korean.  I never heard the words Auburn or Alabama or Iron Bowl during the entire meal. I smiled and finished my meal.  Pricey at $14 with a soft drink, but a real change of pace and respite from the soon to be gorged upon Thanksgiving food and football hoopla.  That was until I whipped out my Auburn Spirit Card to pay the tab.  The hostess looked at the card, ran it through the machine and handed it back to me with the receipt and a wry smile.



"Auburn no win. No defense."

Derk's Wins 2010 LBCS Championship 6-2 over Shashy's!



Urban cool at Shashy's in the calm before the traditional Bagel Walk...



Coach Derk Lyerly leading his team under the W.C. Fields Arch into the dining room at Derk's.

 

Whoa Nellie!  It was a real flan burner, a battle etoufee, a bread heat, a Rumble in the Gumple! Yes, it was Lunch in the Gump -- back-to-back at the two finest lunch spots in Montgomery (according to our thousands of readers), reviewed by the sharpest wits and food critics in el todo del Gumpo (that's "in all the Gump" for you all at El Cantaro).

Every aspiring chef from the time they create their first edible Easy Bake Oven recipe dreams of the day they can display their talents on the world's biggest stage for lunch reviews in Montgomery, Alabama: The Lunch in the Gump Bowl Championship Series (LBCS) Finals!!

All the years of work, the pain, the health inspections, the adversity, meeting payrolls and then, finally, it all comes together and you have your shot at lunch immortality and you stand there, with the confetti flying about you, holding the coveted pure aluminum LBCS Championship Trophy. It just doesn't get better than this, unless you are one of those shallow motards who think your university winning all their American armoured wankerball games (as Allpots calls them) is an accomplishment, and you don't count.

It was quite a lineup served up by the Derk's Ducks in the first half: baked chickens the size of footballs, sirloin kabobs skewered with Conecuh sausage, fried chicken the size of Tojo's head, all adorned with some of the finest fresh vegetables anywhere in the area and a variety of fresh cornbread muffins.

Seated among cases of expensive vino destined for the homes of fatcats who can't tell Opus One from horse pee, the Gump critics, for the most part, sampled from each other's plates to insure fairness in the judging (it must be noted, however, that Tojo Yamamoto only shares with Shadow Pup).

At halftime, it appeared the quick and fast Ducks were going to pull all the meat away from the bone.



This duck had a bad day....

 But the War Bagels of Shashy's had no quit or grits in them. Normally nondescript in their approach with no visible signs from Mulberry Street except the tradition-filled "EATS" and "Bakery" sign on their stadium, in the second half they took the table with French Dip, Shrimp Etoufee, Chicken and Tabouli Salads, Artichoke Casserole at defensive end, a Fried Pork Chop and a Greek Grouper pulling up the rear. When pulled out of the pile the Greek Grouper yelled its popular war cry: "OPA!" and the battle was on.

Shashy's took risks, big risks. A tabouli salad is made with wheat bulger that to serve correctly has to be allowed time to swell after the olive oil is applied. One false move and the whole thing swells in the tummy causing that "I'm about to pop" feeling all true lunch fans fear. But team Shashy pulled it off, even though they forgot the chopped onions to confuse the referees.

Norm attacks the Tabuli before it goes into the spread offense

 while the FPC looks on...helpless.

With all the options and misdirection, the Lunch in the Gump gang caused local confusion but were "outed" by other fans anyway. One noted sports columnist, Mickey Griffin, thought we were the "The Lunch in the Bunch Gump" or "The Lunch of the Punch drunk." Never mind, we kept our ears pinned back and a necks bowed as we devoured the tasty fare. We put aside such distractions and kept our eyes on the bowl.

PBR in reserve.

When it was all over and the dust had settled, the final scores were posted by the LITG epicureans:

Snooty Old Chase N. Allpots: Shashy's for the bland but respectable etoufee, snappy table service, the decor and the ample parking;

Innocent Until Proven Guilty Cornbread Carp: Derk's for the combination of a blue collar cafeteria and snooty bottleshoppe atmosphere, humongous portions, no cell phones in line, PBR in the cooler and Pomerol by the case;

Politically Incorrect Shadow Pup: Shashy's for the smell of freshly baked breads served with every entree and they don't take food stamps to keep out the riff-raff;

Massive Tojo Yamamoto: Derk's, because Tojo leave full, rub belly, burp, taste excellent cabbage again, need nap.

Man-about-town Bidgood Bob: Derk's, because of the self-serve drink bar where you can get half sweet/half unsweet so that your tea is like Baby Bear's porridge -- just right.

Person of Interest The Younger: Derk's because you can't argue against a face-sized boneless chicken breast.

Wry wino BB MAK: Derk's! Because the food is hot, fresh, quick and filling. Something just about every other restaurant aspires to serve but usually falls short. Plus, I found out about some secret parking spots. Double plus: I like being surrounded by fine wine while I eat. It makes me feel sophisticated--even if I cannot actually pronounce "sophisticaed" after consuming several glasses of said wine.

Made Man Fat Clemenza: Tough, as it should be. While the ambiance and overall dining experience edge would have to go to Shashy's, if asked where I would take someone from out of town the immediate response would be Derks! Therefore, Fat Clemenza delegation casts all of its votes for the next LITG series champion: Derk's Filet and Vine!

And there you have it fans, the final score is Derk's 6 and Shashy's 2. The winner of the 2010 Lunch Bowl Championship is now and forever: Derk's Filet and Vine!!!!

In closing, we at LITG hope you have enjoyed the 2010 lunch season and our little blog.  We wish all of you the happiest holiday season.  Stay safe! 

Until next year: Stay Hungry Our Friends!

WIB

FINAL LBCS 2010 RANKINGS ANNOUNCED BY US TODAY and LUNCH IN THE GUMP

Ed. Note: Yesterday, our Cornbread Carp was declared eligible to post on luncheon blogs by the FBI (Food Bloggers Institute) despite the finding that his father, Cecil Carp, engaged in efforts to shop his son's reviews to the Rock Bottom Cafe. Cecil Carp is no longer associated with LITG and has no authority to contact restaurants on behalf of LITG. The controversy concerning Cornbread's temporary ineligibility delayed his ability to post this article.

Montgomery, AL--The world's most interesting blog (concerning eating lunch in Montgomery, AL) and US Today have announced the final Lunch Bowl Championship Series standings for 2010. The final cook off will feature an epic "backyard brawl between the wedges" pitting No-Clo's landmark, the No. 1 Derk's Filet & Vine "Ducks," against the War Bagels of Shashy's Bakery and Fine Foods  ranked No. 2. The championship will be determined by a visit to Derks on Monday December 6th followed by a visit to Shashy's on December 7th. Game times are noon Central. Both will be televised on the ESPN Food Network. The winner will receive the silver lunch bowl trophy from LITG. It promises to be a real flan burner.

With the final computer, human and health department polls tallied, Derk's finished in first with a rating of .9207 and 3,202 first place votes far surpassing Shashy's .8575 combined rating and 2,827 first place votes. Both had health ratings above 95. The final top ten in the LBCS poll were:

1. Derk's Filet and Vine
2. Shashy's Fine Foods
3. Michael's Table
4. Village Kitchen
5. Lek's Railroad Thai
6. Nancy Patersons (Itinerant) Bistro
7. Cafe Louisa
8. Zoe's
9. La Zona Rosa
10. Tomatino's

"These rankings reflect the strength of the Z-RED and Cloverdale conferences as the dominant Gump lunch forces," said Chase N. Allpots, one of the founders of Lunch in the Gump--which is currently rated the world's number 1 blog relating to eating lunch in Montgomery, AL, affectionately known as "the Gump." The Most Interesting Man in the World, when asked for a quote while swimming with arctic monkeys, replied: "Never trust a restaurant not ranked by Lunch in the Gump. Stay hungry my friends!"


There were some surprises noted in the rankings. Three of the top ten restaurants had not yet been rated by the LITG reviewers: Cafe Louisa, Tomatino's and Zoe's. Tojo Yamamoto, while applying a choke hold, was asked for a comment on how three restaurants could not have been publicly rated by the worlds most popular blog and yet make the top ten, said, "Tojo eat at Zoe's."


Rounding out the rest of the top 25, in order, were:



11 Hamburger King
12 India Palace
13 Shogun
14 Lunde's
15 Ala Thai
16 Isaiah's
17 Sa-Zas
18 Street Café
19 Cool Beans
20 Chris's
21 Green Papaya
22 Five Brother's B-B-Q
23 Destin Connection
24 Capitol Oyster Bar
25 Saigon Deli


The "favorites" page of the LITG Blog now reflects the Top 10 rankings because some folks just skip the quips and go there first anyway. All in all, over 9,574 votes were cast this year by blog readers, the most in LITG blog history.


The rules for the LBCS were explained in a prior post.

Cecil Carp Hits Rock Bottom as Questions Continue....

(Finebaum Network)--As if highly acclaimed blogger Corn B. Carp did not have enough problems already, over the past week there have appeared highly trustworthy internet postings quoting annoymous sources and others who only contradict themselves every other day, that Corn B. Carp's father, the Rev. Cecil Newton Carp, was shopping great reviews from his son with at least one local sports bar in Montgomery: The Rock Bottom American Pub.

In what appears to be one of the finest examples of internet journalism, EFPN.COM (Eating Food Programming Network) reported that Cecil Carp had approached a friend of the owner of the Rock Bottom American Pub and said "It will take a lot more than a free lunch to get my son to write a favorable review of that dump." The source, who refused to be named, said the conversation was recorded and reported to the Federal Blogging Investigation Agency (FBI).

A representative of Rock Bottom American Pub first said they knew nothing about the contact with Rev. Carp, but later was reported to have turned the matter over to the Alabama Restaurant Association and the Montgomery Health Department. No review of Rock Bottom American Pub was ever posted on Lunch in the Gump where "Cornbread Carp" is a frequent poster. Lunch in the Gump is recognized universally as the world's most popular blog specializing in reviewing restaurants in downtown Montgomery, Alabama, affectionately known amoung locals as "The Gump." Urban Spoon, a national restaurant rating web, lists Lunch in the Gump as its number one blog.

When contacted for comment, the younger Carp referred questions to his attorney, Reginald T. McLucid, who issued this statement: "The idea that my client would even consider eating at such a dive, much less writing about it, is preposterous." McLucid is currently defending Mr. Carp against allegations he was involved in a "Food For Publicity" scheme related to a favorable review of The Green Papaya which was posted on Lunch in the Gump.

The Rock Bottom American Pub has consistently received unfavorable reviews on other restaurant review web sites, according to a representative of Urban Spoon, who also requested to remain nameless. "Perhaps Rev. Newton thought they would be desparate for a good review from the best blog around," the representative speculated.

From the looks of the dried crab claws and non-existent lunch crowd witnessed today at Rock Bottom American Pub, there appears to be a flock of patrons staying away from the establishment either because of the quality of the food or the recent scandal. It was noted that the menu did contain references to cornbread.

The editors of Lunch in the Gump, when contacted for comment, said that as far as they were concerned, their beloved "Cornbread Carp" was still eligible to post on the blog and would remain an author with authority to post. Attorney McLucid could not resist a parting shot: "The internet news media has hit Rock Bottom. The truth will eventually come out despite them."

Barbecue in the Gump, barely

This little piggy has no pants on.
This little piggy has gas.

Being a Gump native, I am required by heritage and societal pressures to eat barbecue at least once a week. Today at lunch, my blue-eyed bride and I dined, again, at Varsity Barbecue, currently located in the parking lot of Burlington Coat Factory, across from Kripy Kreme, on the road that connects Mount Meigs, Alabama to Ann Street. Some call that road the Atlanta Highway, but the road existed before Atlanta did. At Varsity Barbecue, one can see the dreaded Boulevard, still east of your eating position, but just barely.

Varsity Barbecue may still be an unknown quantity to some. It exists in a building constructed to house Ruby Tuesday. Ruby pulled up her red dress and moved to East Chase, the hottest spot in West Shorter. The building underwent a long renovation, including installing a battle-hardened concrete drive-through lane. Suitable chimneys and cooking pits were created, and the place now meets Lewis Grizzard's minimal criteria for a barbecue joint: smoke coming from the roof. On a windy day like today, you can smell the smoke, inside and out, something treasured by Grizzard.

Another note: To the best of my knowledge, despite the name, this operation has nothing to do with The Varsity on North Avenue in downtown Atlanta. I don't know why the name was chosen here. Are there others elsewhere in the world?

Upon entering Varsity Barbecue, many newcomers are confused. There is no hostess or greeter or anything. There is just a stack of tri-fold menus on the dividing wall in front of you. Then, on your left, towards the back, you notice some green-and-orange neon signs that say "Order Here" with appropriate arrows. If you go sit down and wait for someone to take your order at your table, nothing will happen. Grab a tri-fold, and look it over while you wait in line (if there is one). The line (usually, at lunch) can be confusing in that it's one line for two, sometimes three, order-takers. Just stay in single file, and wait for an empty slot. If anyone behind you tries to start separate lines for each order-taker, they deserve the evil eye.

When you place your order, you will be given a plastic number to put on your table. Depending on what you order to drink, you will be given Coke products from their side of the counter, or, if you prefer water or iced tea, you will be given a styrofoam cup of ice and told "the tea is down there to your left". You pour your own tea from a bank of aluminum urns, each cleverly labeled with the usual choices. The tea is located in the aisle that goes to the swinging kitchen door, so beware of that, and errant busboys with full bus pans, immediately behind you. Bad design for the tea station, says I.

The fare is standard Gump barbecue joint food, including pulled pork, beef, or chicken barbecue, ribs, corn on the cob, coleslaw, french fries, baked beans, meat salads, etc. The sauce is your standard Alabama red ketchup-based sauce, and it's good. They have baked potatoes piled with barbecue and other things, in various combinations. One thing that separates this would-be chain (maybe) is the name of the stew. At Varsity, it's "brunswick stew". In real Gump-type places, that stuff is still referred to as "camp stew" (and only in The Gump. Why?).

The place has a comfortable decor consisting of wooden chairs and tables and padded booths. Some booths seat two, some seat four. In the row of two-seater booths, beware of the hanging lights over the tables. One side has lights hanging low enough to bother your skin. The other side of the aisle is more tolerable. When you finally sit down with your plastic number and styrofoam cup, and then look around, you will notice a sports motif. Plastered all over the walls above the wainscoting you will see pictures of most everyone who ever played or coached football for Auburn University or the University of Alabama. There are also smaller areas honoring Troy State and Alabama State. Many flat-screens hang from the ceiling, eternally tuned to ESPN or ESPN2.

The food at Varsity Barbecue is good. The service (bringing the tray that matches your plastic number) is sometimes slow and confused. If they get behind during lunch, you might notice your hunger building. My bride usually orders a baked potato with pork barbecue, with sauce on the side, no cheese, no chives. Today, she got the potato with the pork, but it was covered in too much sauce, and there was cheese in there somewhere, too. No chives, as ordered. The kitchen crew apparently misses some of the nuances of the order in the heat of the moment. In our case, the manager took our order, and when it came like it did, she just ate it anyway. I always get the bowl of brunswick stew. Our server had to go back for crackers and a spoon for me.

Overall, I would give Varsity Barbecue 2 pig squeals out of 4. It's easy, it's good barbecue, and it's reasonably priced. $17.99 for two drinks, one barbecue potato, one bowl of stew, and one fried apple pie for desert. We were full when we left, and I had seen more overhead than I wanted to see about Bret Favre. I'm not excited about the place, but I'll go back.

They have a website http://www.varsitybbq.com/  that's "under construction", as usual for places open less than a year.

Eastside Grille: It could have been worse!

“Well, that didn’t suck TOO bad.”

Woe is the restaurateur who is given this comment upon the conclusion of an LITG visit. For you are merely a bad batch of cornbread mix away from certain death!

On this lovely Friday afternoon one LITG member who shall remain anonymous was feeling a bit ballsy and decided to con the rest of us into Crossing The Wall. Our destination: Eastside Grille (yes, with an “e” on the end) on the Atlanta Highway.

The trip started out well. We synchronized our watches. We formed a plan of action. We stealthily slipped past interior security with military precision. We landed like ninjas in our mode of transport and off we went.

Then, much like the walls of Jericho, everything came a-tumblin’ down. First, there was some confusion on location. Where were we headed? What far off country were we venturing toward? Should we be driving on the left-hand side of the road? Are we there yet? How do we get there? Is this Opelika? Which exit should we take? Then, there was confusion as to time. What time should we meet? Is that what time we are to leave, or is that what time we are supposed to get there? What time zone are we in? Then, we began to get nervous about our surroundings and even our own ability to fit in. Would we be able to assimilate ourselves? What’s the exchange rate? Is that my parole officer? SHIT, take cover!

We arrived, however, relatively intact. Since we had made it so far, we figured we might as well stay and eat. At that point, it seemed the worst was behind us.

Foolish, foolish mortals. How many times must you learn? NEVER LEAVE THE GUMP!

It’s not that the food was bad. It was, actually, as heretofore stated, not too suck-y. But it wasn’t great, either. It was meat & three. It was what we have seen and tasted before. It is what we have tirelessly consumed day in, day out in order to make this blog the pinnacle of great literature that it is. Only this time we had to go beyond the protection of the Gump and beyond the limits allowed by our ankle bracelets. And we had to pay $1.75 (each) for a glass of tea. And it was freezing cold in there. And not only was it little more than OK, it was SLOW! I mean, real slow. I mean, like, get-your-favorite-edition-of-War-and-Peace-and-curl-up-with-your-blankie-because-you-are-going-to-be-here-a-while slow.

If you want to get an idea of how long we were out, here’s a clue: During the course of the trip and meal, topics of conversation included – but were not limited to - the following: the State of Alabama being so incredibly backward, generally (check the pompadour at left), Alabama and Auburn football (no-brainer), Oedipus Rex (don’t ask), Biscuits baseball (past and future), Braves baseball (and wife beaters), oxygen tanks (there was a shitload of them there, by the way), someone (or something?) called “the Chicken” (don’t get me started), Brett Michaels/Poison/hair bands/Steven Tyler/men who wear bandanas on their -- real and/or fake -- hair (‘nuf said), the U.K.’s final resolution to the “great crisp” debate (that’s “chips” for us 'mericans), al fresco dining (actually a good option at Eastside Grille), Congress’ latest attempt to “fix” the U.S. health care system (see prior LITG entry), “grills” vs. “cafes” (what’s the difference, anyway?), and the Masters (a LOT about the Masters, which then led to something about eagles and birdies and albatrosses. To be honest, I don’t know if we were talking about golf or zoo weekend at that point. I lost track. I think I might have had a momentary loss of consciousness due to the lack of food and the frigid temperatures).

You get the idea. Now, that’s a lot of talking. A lot of unnecessary talking. When I could be eating instead.

In summary: The food was OK, but it wasn’t great. It was cold. It was slow. A lot of old people were there.

So, if you want to take about 3 hours for lunch and if you give a damn about having an “e” at the end of your “grille” of choice, then this might the place for you. In other words, you might like it if you are French.

My advice? (1) Don’t go unless you are in the area (hey, it could happen!); (2) Go at dinnertime so you can leisurely eat your meal, sit outside, and enjoy some live music; and (3) Bring your own tea. In a Mason jar. And if they kick you out for it, take your ass back to where you are welcome. To the GUMP!