Avoiding the Iron Bowl Harangue at Arirang...Almost

You just about cannot go anywhere in this here Gump without hearing expert analysis of the upcoming Iron Bowl.  I don't know about you, but I've about heard enough of "The team that establishes the run will win" or "If it's close in the fourth quarter it might go either way" or "Alabama's defense will stop Auburn's offense." So I started thinking--for me a dangerous task--where could I go to lunch and not be bothered by the mindless blathering cliches about the upcoming "Game of the Week, Month, Year or Century?" Heck, while I was writing this I got solicited for squares on an Iron Bowl game score grid!

Then I passed Korean food hub where one finds the best Korean grocery in the area and Arirang Korean BBQ which, like the Gangnam Grill, sits just across the by-pass within a scones throw of the Gump.  It hit me:  Do they also eat guinea pig?  No, seriously, the thought crossed my pea brain that there--in a Korean buffet restaurant--was a place where I might be able to enjoy some good bulgogi and for at least an hour avoid the clutter and chatter about armored SEC wankerball.

So I pulled into the parking lot and noticed that all the windows were covered with pictures of food and Korean (I presumed) writing. Unlike our friend Chairman Meow, who lived in Korea as a child (and wrote a great article in the Made Paper about Korean restaurants in the Gump you can read by clicking here), I had never been to a Korean BBQ buffet before.  I was a little apprehensive but went inside where the first sign I saw said: "Korean BBQ 11.99.  No BBQ 7.99."  While I tried to figure out what you got with "No BBQ" a very nice Asian lady asked me in English how many and lead me to a table with a hole in the middle--no not a hole.  It was actually a round convex metal grill with a temperature control.

"BBQ?" came the question.  Quickly I calculated the cost between no BBQ and BBQ to be about $4 and reasoned that something was better than nothing.  I answered in the affirmative.

"First time?" came the next question.  "Yes," I said honestly and nervously.

"I help. Go get some meat," she said as she turned on the grill in the middle and it began to glow red through the openings to the heat source below.

So I left the table and went to the buffet.  I started at the meat side (which I later saw was wrong).  I piled one plate with brisket, chicken, marinated beef and pork.  I then filled another plate for vegetables.  I returned for bowls of fruit and steamed rice.

Sitting down at my table I began to place the ingredients on the grill and started to cook.  My waitress noticed I have missed the sauces--duck, hot, brah and blah braa blah--and brought me four in plastic tubs and showed me how to dip the thin cooked slices with the onions/vegetables and then dip them together in one of the sauces before devouring them.  They were really delicious.  It was also fun to do your own cooking right there at your table.  I noticed the same silly dance song replayed over and over but it was a relief from the bombardment of Christmas music and football.

As I looked around I noticed I was the only non-Asian in the place.  Everyone was talking in a foreign language.  The table had signs posted in Korean and English that warned that they were not responsible if you stupidly failed to cook your own meat carefully and that you were free to take all you wanted from the buffet but if you left more than an ounce, you would be fined. The amount of the fine was not stated.  With regard to that admonition, the Korean underneath it must have said: "This does not apply to Koreans" because when the mother/son unit beside me left, their table remained piled with uneaten or cooked food.  I had watched them eat plates and plates of food before they left also so it wasn't left because it wasn't tasty. It was very tasty--especially with the sauces.

I went back to the well several times gradually getting more and more adventuresome.  Never could bring myself to try the "large intestines" but really enjoyed the kimchi.  Not sure if I was supposed to heat it up or not but it was good cold.

As I took a break from cooking I again noticed that, sure enough, everyone appeared to be Korean and they were all talking Korean.  I never heard the words Auburn or Alabama or Iron Bowl during the entire meal. I smiled and finished my meal.  Pricey at $14 with a soft drink, but a real change of pace and respite from the soon to be gorged upon Thanksgiving food and football hoopla.  That was until I whipped out my Auburn Spirit Card to pay the tab.  The hostess looked at the card, ran it through the machine and handed it back to me with the receipt and a wry smile.



"Auburn no win. No defense."

Chick Magnet with Real Girlfriend Rates Chicken Salad Chick/Five Guys

The love of my life...

My fictitious internet girlfriend, who has cancer, urged me to try a relatively new restaurant on Zelda Road. When you visit the bathrooms at Chicken Salad Chick you will either enter the "Chicks" or the "Chick Magnets" doors.  Limited to those two choices I fall squarely into the "Chick Magnet" category.   With "Chick Magnet" as my literal qualification, let me tell you about my recent visit to this new lunch place next to Five Guys Burgers and Fries in the Z-Red district. You could not find two lunch spots more diametrically opposed than these neighbors.

My first observation upon entering the Chick was "Trix are for Kids" or more accurately "Chicks is for Chicks."  In other words, I was badly outnumbered.  The few girly men I saw there were with anemic looking earthy girls who I guessed had already sworn off red meat and were considering going completely vegetarian. It reminded me of some jokes I had heard a stand up comedian do about guys who pretend to like vegetarian dishes when they date vegetarians but who--after bedding them--grab a Five Guys Double Cheeseburger with a bag-full of fries on the way home saying: "Man I am starved.  Mmmph. Mmmph. I can't believe she bought that sh*t!" The comedian goes on to say that he is reluctant to tell the joke to a large crowd because almost invariably one guy will drop his head in shame and his skinny date will angrily ask: "You told me someone else threw those greasy bags in your backseat!" before stomping off in a huff with higher life form vegetarian greenhouse gases in her wake. ("Why I'd bet there are fewer greenhouse gases coming from the back of an SUV than from the tailpipe of a hippie!")

Dearest Catfish.

My Internet girlfriend, my soul-mate, says she likes Catfish or that she is a Catfish.  Ha ha. She is so humorous.  She is the funniest girl I have never met.

A lunch for men with internet girlfriend soul mates...

My second observation was that the chicken salad was that finely ground up kind that I do not like that you can dip with an ice-cream scoop and plop on a slice of nondescript sourdough bread before squishing the mound flat by the top slice. I must confess I am a "chunky" chicken salad fan.  And the price was not cheap. With a glass of "Minute Maid" lemonade and a small pasta salad the tab came to $10.10.  The food was certainly good, the restaurant and servers were cute and clean.  But I have had much better "chicken" salad from Noni's when she was open near Shashy's. I have also enjoyed the turkey salad with large chunks that Allpots brought me from Bushwood CC one time when I was confined to quarters in my ankle bracelet.  So, unless you are dating a girl who really likes Chicken Salad Chick and don't mind leaving hungry, I would suggest you go next door for a burger and fries at Five Guys.

A manly burger for guys with real girlfriends!

We sort of reviewed Five Guys out at East Chase some time ago. For that post click here.  Normally we try to stay within the Gump and rate only non-chains. (Former cons don't like the word 'chains'). But in this case we have made two exceptions: Both Five Guys and Chicken Salad Chick are apparently chains.  But at least they are now squarely in the Gump and it's only a short drive from downtown to Ann Street/Zelda Road. And, I note, Chicken Salad Chick was founded in Opelika and apparently owned by proper Southerners.

Sackful of Five Guys fries needs its own chair.

So when the gang tried the new Five Guys on Zelda Road during the week between Christmas and New Years we learned several things:  First, do not order the regular fries for more than one person.  They fill the sack with enough fries to feed four fat people.  Second, get large numbers of ketchup cupettes filled and gather reams of napkins while you are waiting.  Third, avoid the free peanuts during your wait because you won't have any room left to eat your burger and fries if you do.

Preparing the landing zone for the big burgers...INCOMING!

I would point out that we did witness first hand a lower echelon miracle of sorts (would that be called a minicale?) Just before the Notre Dame blowout during our trip to Five Guys we noticed that in the short time it took to take the bag to our table that our bag filled with a burger and fries and already been soaked through with grease stains in the likeness of Alabama Coach Nick Saban.  We have the picture to prove it.  Of course, because of the terms of my parole I could not place an actual bet on the game, if I had a bookie I would have loaded up on Bama after seeing that greasy sack Saban face.  He was even in full blown "Saban Rage" mode.  Also, if I had known that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarren had a carney-like tattoo on his chest the size of a basketball that would have sealed the deal because everyone knows that Catholics are deathly afraid of the carnies.

You can see the rage of St. Nick burning through the receipt

But back to the food.  The burgers are good but pricey. The coma that ensues upon eating at Five Guys means that it really is a place you should visit no more than once a month unless you are skipping meals before a visit.  Caution: Do not operate heavy machinery after a Five Guy's meal. This is definitely man vs. food.  Not chick v. snack.

Which brings us full circle and wraps this post up neatly.  There are two restaurants next to each other in Z-Red that could not be more different to a Chick magnet with a real girlfriend I have actually met...in person.

Egg and I: The Perfect Antidote for Turkey Coma and Collegiate Handbladder

I may have been born in Ireland, but after decades here I get Thanksgiving and American Football. As for Thanksgiving, which to some is an excuse for overeating, I have grown to like the taste of Turkey and Dressing and the underlying message of being thankful for our many blessings.  I admit I have indulged in both and experienced the placebo effects of small doses of L-tryptophan which provide a very good afternoon snooze Thanksgiving Day.
 
As for American Football, which should really be named "Handbladder" because it does not truly involve a ball-shaped object and normally involves use of the hands instead of feet, I understand the basic concept of four downs to cover 10 yards and the speed, strength and toughness needed to excel.  In some respects it is much like the Irish football (a form of Rugby) which I played on the fields of Trinity College in Dublin without pads or helmets.  You may be surprised to learn that we have an American Football Association in Ireland where the Carrickfergus Knights of the IAFL North battle my Trinity College and The Dublin Rebels of the IAFL Central.  In fact, it was the Dublin Rebels who won the Shamrock Bowl XXIV in August. Those of you history-deprived Southerners wallowing in the shame or indignation of your War Between the States probably do not realize that a team named the Rebels would be very popular in Dublin since some of you probably are not aware of our little dust-up with the British around the time you Yanks were involved in World War I.  No matter.

The point of all of this is that on Sunday after Thanksgiving and your Iron Bowl I had the idea of trying out the Egg and I in Z-Red for a truly American breakfast that I can understand and enjoy.  I am aware that the Egg and I is a chain concept but it, like Dreamland, is locally owned by someone who actually works there during most public hours so it qualified for a LITG visit/review and, by Paddy, I was the right bloke to try it out. I may not understand why Alabama fans pull for a team called the Crimson Tide but have an emaciated elephant mascot or Auburn fans have a live eagle fly around with a tiger mascot with an oversized head, but I understand the basic game.  And frankly, on Sunday I was tired of turkey and all the talking about the game--the breast beating and the teeth gnashing.  It is obvious to me, an outsider, that one year one of these teams will be the best and the next another. All the talk about which is a better university because of the outcome of the game makes no sense, at least to me.

"The Flapper" Pre-Syrup

After suffering turkey and football overload what makes sense to me is some comfort food. Every now and then, nothing says "comfort food" like a giant pancake covering your entire plate slathered with butter and warm maple syrup. Add to that some fresh scrambled eggs, sausage, a hot cup of coffee and some fresh-squeezed orange juice and the mind and body returns to stasis.  A little pricey ($3 juice and an extra $1 for cheese on the eggs) but nevertheless a simple meal for a simple Irishman who is ready to move on to the Christmas season thankful for his blessings regardless of the outcome of a rousing game of handbladder a/k/a armoured wankerball.

So whether you are a Roll Eagle or a War Tide, I think we can all agree that a good hot breakfast at Egg and I provides some solace even if your University is not very good at football.  Give the Egg and I a try and let us know what you think.

May the best pancakes win!

Cheers. CNA.