Chick Magnet with Real Girlfriend Rates Chicken Salad Chick/Five Guys

The love of my life...

My fictitious internet girlfriend, who has cancer, urged me to try a relatively new restaurant on Zelda Road. When you visit the bathrooms at Chicken Salad Chick you will either enter the "Chicks" or the "Chick Magnets" doors.  Limited to those two choices I fall squarely into the "Chick Magnet" category.   With "Chick Magnet" as my literal qualification, let me tell you about my recent visit to this new lunch place next to Five Guys Burgers and Fries in the Z-Red district. You could not find two lunch spots more diametrically opposed than these neighbors.

My first observation upon entering the Chick was "Trix are for Kids" or more accurately "Chicks is for Chicks."  In other words, I was badly outnumbered.  The few girly men I saw there were with anemic looking earthy girls who I guessed had already sworn off red meat and were considering going completely vegetarian. It reminded me of some jokes I had heard a stand up comedian do about guys who pretend to like vegetarian dishes when they date vegetarians but who--after bedding them--grab a Five Guys Double Cheeseburger with a bag-full of fries on the way home saying: "Man I am starved.  Mmmph. Mmmph. I can't believe she bought that sh*t!" The comedian goes on to say that he is reluctant to tell the joke to a large crowd because almost invariably one guy will drop his head in shame and his skinny date will angrily ask: "You told me someone else threw those greasy bags in your backseat!" before stomping off in a huff with higher life form vegetarian greenhouse gases in her wake. ("Why I'd bet there are fewer greenhouse gases coming from the back of an SUV than from the tailpipe of a hippie!")

Dearest Catfish.

My Internet girlfriend, my soul-mate, says she likes Catfish or that she is a Catfish.  Ha ha. She is so humorous.  She is the funniest girl I have never met.

A lunch for men with internet girlfriend soul mates...

My second observation was that the chicken salad was that finely ground up kind that I do not like that you can dip with an ice-cream scoop and plop on a slice of nondescript sourdough bread before squishing the mound flat by the top slice. I must confess I am a "chunky" chicken salad fan.  And the price was not cheap. With a glass of "Minute Maid" lemonade and a small pasta salad the tab came to $10.10.  The food was certainly good, the restaurant and servers were cute and clean.  But I have had much better "chicken" salad from Noni's when she was open near Shashy's. I have also enjoyed the turkey salad with large chunks that Allpots brought me from Bushwood CC one time when I was confined to quarters in my ankle bracelet.  So, unless you are dating a girl who really likes Chicken Salad Chick and don't mind leaving hungry, I would suggest you go next door for a burger and fries at Five Guys.

A manly burger for guys with real girlfriends!

We sort of reviewed Five Guys out at East Chase some time ago. For that post click here.  Normally we try to stay within the Gump and rate only non-chains. (Former cons don't like the word 'chains'). But in this case we have made two exceptions: Both Five Guys and Chicken Salad Chick are apparently chains.  But at least they are now squarely in the Gump and it's only a short drive from downtown to Ann Street/Zelda Road. And, I note, Chicken Salad Chick was founded in Opelika and apparently owned by proper Southerners.

Sackful of Five Guys fries needs its own chair.

So when the gang tried the new Five Guys on Zelda Road during the week between Christmas and New Years we learned several things:  First, do not order the regular fries for more than one person.  They fill the sack with enough fries to feed four fat people.  Second, get large numbers of ketchup cupettes filled and gather reams of napkins while you are waiting.  Third, avoid the free peanuts during your wait because you won't have any room left to eat your burger and fries if you do.

Preparing the landing zone for the big burgers...INCOMING!

I would point out that we did witness first hand a lower echelon miracle of sorts (would that be called a minicale?) Just before the Notre Dame blowout during our trip to Five Guys we noticed that in the short time it took to take the bag to our table that our bag filled with a burger and fries and already been soaked through with grease stains in the likeness of Alabama Coach Nick Saban.  We have the picture to prove it.  Of course, because of the terms of my parole I could not place an actual bet on the game, if I had a bookie I would have loaded up on Bama after seeing that greasy sack Saban face.  He was even in full blown "Saban Rage" mode.  Also, if I had known that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarren had a carney-like tattoo on his chest the size of a basketball that would have sealed the deal because everyone knows that Catholics are deathly afraid of the carnies.

You can see the rage of St. Nick burning through the receipt

But back to the food.  The burgers are good but pricey. The coma that ensues upon eating at Five Guys means that it really is a place you should visit no more than once a month unless you are skipping meals before a visit.  Caution: Do not operate heavy machinery after a Five Guy's meal. This is definitely man vs. food.  Not chick v. snack.

Which brings us full circle and wraps this post up neatly.  There are two restaurants next to each other in Z-Red that could not be more different to a Chick magnet with a real girlfriend I have actually met...in person.

No Bread in the House

We proud Gump Guinea Pigs have seen a lot of strange things in the service of Lunch in the Gump fans.  We've taken gastronomic risks no patrons of lunch fare should have to endure.  We've been starved, sat upon and thrown out on our ears. But the last thing we expected to face when a squad was sent in to sample the chicken salad sandwiches offered by "The House of Bread" in Old Alabama Town was they were out of wheat bread by 12:15.  Yes, you read that right: No bread at House of Bread.

House of No Bread
(Photo from Montgomery Advertiser)

Normally we discount anecdotal accounts of the foibles of new restaurants because we all know a very good restaurant can have a bad day or a bad meal or two.  But "House of Bread" has been open about four months now and not only did they have no wheat bread, they ran out of the chicken salad after serving one of the GGP's this tiny portion--a mere melon ball scoop--of chicken salad with three packs of saltines.  At least, because they originally thought they were going to be able to serve us a sandwich, there was a bag of chips included which, as you can see below, was devoured before the entree arrived.

A daub of chicken salad with a few leaves of lettuce and three small tomatoes.
(Photo from secret GGP iPhone)

The chicken salad was more finely ground up than we usually see in restaurants this day and age but what was of it available was tasty for the three bites it supplied. The "unsweet" tea was also good although it came pre-sweetened.  It was a good thing one of the squad tasted it first or he would have enjoyed super-sweet tea.

All in all it was not an auspicious performance. But, that is what the GGP's are here for: checking places out and twitching their noses.  On the bright side, the building is quaint, the waitstaff is willing and the menu offers traditional light lunch fare. I understand the catering side of the business is what propelled them to open for lunch.  We emphasize this is only one visit and one item ordered.  We believe it is worth a visit to see if others catch them on a better day.  For a more favorable reviews click here or there. The location is, at the very least, an interesting place to visit.

Martinis, Chicken Salad and Scotch: A Gentleman at Lunch

[Ed. Note: The Montgomery Brewing Company is "closed for rennovations." However, it does not look llike any work is going on there and we are beginning to doubt the "See You Soon" sign after two months of outward non-activity.]

No Toby, you can't have any you old sot!

With the market in the crapper, oil spoiling beach vacations and investment portfolios all askew, a gentleman must adapt to his decaying circumstances--at least with respect to lunch. In lieu of pork loin and truffles,  bangers and mash at the local public house may have to be considered.  However, I say a gentleman can eat and drink well on a reduced budget if one has some imagination (and a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch in the office).  Wednesday, for example, yours truly was able to enjoy a fine lunch and get slightly banjaxed at the same time for a reasonable ("sustainable") price.  The secret is to order the "Mama Netties" chicken salad from The Montgomery Brewing Co. and to chase it with some fine Glenlivet.http://www.theglenlivet.com/  You can order the salad as a sandwhich but I prefer it on a bed of fresh greens with a roll and fruit. Very good for remaining fit and trim.  Of course, the secret is the quality of the scotch (I usually prerfer my Jameson) which also numbs the hunger pangs and allows one to avoid the bread with empty calories.

With a slight buzz about your work may suffer but if you cap off the evening with Chophouse VY martinis from their crackerjack bar staff you will wake up with a headache but a few pounds lighter. Probably bad for the liver though. Despite being a little sharp set, sipping a fine martini and bantering with the late crowd that often fills the quaint little Chophouse bar (including Bud Skinner and Ben the chef) creates a mellow mood and conversational tone where most of the problems of the world can be quickly solved with the flick of an olive.

A civilised luncheon. Cheers!

Incidentally, I have noticed that more and more Gumpers are paying attention to the World Cup football being broadcast at this time. At my office I thought a major deal had been closed from all the screaming the other day. Come to find out it was just a few chaps in an office watching the U.S. score a goal to tie a match at the 92nd minute. You would have thought they were English football fans the way they caterwauled in the hallway.  Very refreshing.  Hope it portends a growth in football popularity in the states as opposed to the armored wankerball one sees everywhere in the fall.

Along those lines, I hope the popularity of my Momma Netties Chicken Salad and Scotch lunch special catches on.  Just tell Chris Ellis (the friendly proprietor) that Lunch in the Gump sent you and you want the barely legal Scotch.

Cheers!

CNA, MP

Fine Lunching Above the Tojo Line at Michael's Table

Before I get started I want to first commend to you a nostalgic remembrance of long gone fine lunch restaurants in Montgomery (before it became "The Gump") penned by one of our classier members: Whig in a Blanket. You can access this well-written piece above or by clicking here.  Actually, It was my recent luncheon at Michael's Table in Zelda Place which brought Whig's tome to mind.  In Michael's Table restaurant I may have indeed found a place to the WIB's liking or, at least, some place that may hold a candle to the revered "Elite."

It is, alas, not a place for my dear friends Tojo, Cornbread Carp, or Show Dog. Their tastes and budgets run counter to a restaurant with metal forks that do not bend with slight pressure, a wine list, table cloths and prices over the $10 so-called "Tojo Line."  But recently my colleagues  Bama Bing (a financier) and Doctor NBA (a practitioner of the healing arts) joined me for a leisurely luncheon at the table of chef Michael Hochhalter at his cozy little restaurant tucked discreetly out of the way in the Zelda Place Shopping area on Zelda Road. They, Reginald McLucid and "Whiggy", certainly have the education, breeding and funds to occasionally splurge on a $14 lunch despite some recent challenging economic times.  As you know from prior posts, I have experienced a slight downturn of fortune which has resulted in my taking a sabbatical from my Club.  The silver lining of my self-imposed exile is my discovery of a few fine places to eat that I may have missed by force of habit. Michael's Table is certainly one of them.

Recently, the establishment was well patroned primarily with groups of present or former Miss America contestants. A few gentlemen were sitting in the back area where I joined my chums for glasses of port while we considered the eclectic choices.  The Michael's Table menu offers everything from Mezze (hummus, cheese, tzatzki, tomatoes and relishes) to Tuna Nicoise. Not your average "meat and three" fare eh? My associates ordered the Machaka Beef Burritos and purred satisfaction over their wine.  I tried the Judy's Chicken Salad and found a very fair portion of chicken salad served on a fresh slice of cantaloupe and a bed of lettuce.  Not only delicious and filling but reasonably within my dietary constraints.  The meals came with pita bread and olive oil dipping sauce for about $13 each. Sorry Carp, no cornbread or butter. A little pricey for some tastes but well worth it to someone with a little extra time to enjoy a real lunch prepared by a fine chef.

I am so delighted they are open for lunch and in my view the prices keep out the riff raff.  Sorry, if I have offended anyone. Perhaps I had one too many tots of port.