Old School Sunday NFL Lunch at Buds

Years from now men will wax nostalgic about "back in the day" when you could eat unhealthy but awesomely good hamburgers with a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon breathing second-hand smoke while watching pro football players trying to cause concussions. This past Sunday, after watching my first "Breaking Bad" episodes which caused me to have dreams that I had lung cancer,  I decided, instead of cooking crystal meth, that I would indulge in epicurean and visual gluttony with a drinking man's pro football lunch at smokey Bud's bar deep in the Gump at Old Cloverdale.

To those few of you who do not know about Bud's, let me give you a warning: This is not your hip, light, kid friendly, airy, slick, shiny sports bar with a full menu, peppy wait staff and dozens of flat screen TVs and cool sports memorabilia on the walls.  Bud's is the opposite of all of that. The idea of "heart healthy" fare would make a Bud's customer laugh until their smoker's hack kicked in.  Children--even your precious snowflakes--are held in the same disdain as vegetarians.  The place is dark and lit only by the CRT's of the fat TVs that display a variety of sporting events with absolutely no "closed captioning" for those not watching the only game connected to the sound system.  Smoking is not prohibited--it is encouraged.  Even cigars are allowed.

Bud's in the daytime ready for customers.

There is no neon sign out front, no matchbooks or napkins with a "Bud's" logo and certainly no web page or Facebook page to "friend."  The folks at Bud's don't want Facebook friends.  They want a friend with a match and an extra unfiltered Camel.  There is a land-line phone, but if a neglected wife or girlfriend calls, the bartender will look right into the eye of the offending patron and deadpan: "Haven't seen him." ("Eye" singular was used intentionally).

For the true sport's fan there are actually plenty of TV's and they are connected to the NFL network. This means that as you smoke your cigarette and sip your cold mug of draft beer at the bar you can watch at least six football games at the same time.  As you do, you will sit next to those with the jersey's of their favorite players in far off cities like Minneapolis or Baltimore. Why, if you hold your mouth right, they might even tune one to the Premier league.

There are also some healthy activities.  There is shuffle board and pool on tattered, well-worn equipment for 50 cents a game.  There was a "Golden Tee" in the corner, but it has not worked in months and, at Bud's, they do not consider that routine maintenance.

So why would a guy dreaming of lung cancer go to this throwback sports bar filled with smoke?  There are three reasons: (1) I do not want to "Break Bad;" (2) They have PBR on tap and (3) They serve a delicious, big, greasy, bacon cheeseburger with real fries that will clog your arteries faster than the smoke can kill you.  The burger is said to be made with Wagyu beef and seems to come in a around 1/2 pound and served with melty Swiss or cheddar cheese.  Whether or not it is Wagyu or not does not really matter.  It is old-school delicious.  Deep fried potatoes, tomatoes, pickles and lettuce provide the other elements of the food pyramid.  My suggestion, cut the thing in half and take some home for later if you have the stones to ask for a "to go" box.  There are many good burgers in the Gump and we have rated them all.  But the Bud's burger is right up there with the best of them and on a dreary winter Sunday afternoon, there is nothing quite like having a cheeseburger chased with a Bud at Bud's.

Yes, there is a place where consenting adults can destroy their health while watching consenting football players try to knock each other out.  It is called Bud's and you should enjoy it while it is still legal.

Chick Magnet with Real Girlfriend Rates Chicken Salad Chick/Five Guys

The love of my life...

My fictitious internet girlfriend, who has cancer, urged me to try a relatively new restaurant on Zelda Road. When you visit the bathrooms at Chicken Salad Chick you will either enter the "Chicks" or the "Chick Magnets" doors.  Limited to those two choices I fall squarely into the "Chick Magnet" category.   With "Chick Magnet" as my literal qualification, let me tell you about my recent visit to this new lunch place next to Five Guys Burgers and Fries in the Z-Red district. You could not find two lunch spots more diametrically opposed than these neighbors.

My first observation upon entering the Chick was "Trix are for Kids" or more accurately "Chicks is for Chicks."  In other words, I was badly outnumbered.  The few girly men I saw there were with anemic looking earthy girls who I guessed had already sworn off red meat and were considering going completely vegetarian. It reminded me of some jokes I had heard a stand up comedian do about guys who pretend to like vegetarian dishes when they date vegetarians but who--after bedding them--grab a Five Guys Double Cheeseburger with a bag-full of fries on the way home saying: "Man I am starved.  Mmmph. Mmmph. I can't believe she bought that sh*t!" The comedian goes on to say that he is reluctant to tell the joke to a large crowd because almost invariably one guy will drop his head in shame and his skinny date will angrily ask: "You told me someone else threw those greasy bags in your backseat!" before stomping off in a huff with higher life form vegetarian greenhouse gases in her wake. ("Why I'd bet there are fewer greenhouse gases coming from the back of an SUV than from the tailpipe of a hippie!")

Dearest Catfish.

My Internet girlfriend, my soul-mate, says she likes Catfish or that she is a Catfish.  Ha ha. She is so humorous.  She is the funniest girl I have never met.

A lunch for men with internet girlfriend soul mates...

My second observation was that the chicken salad was that finely ground up kind that I do not like that you can dip with an ice-cream scoop and plop on a slice of nondescript sourdough bread before squishing the mound flat by the top slice. I must confess I am a "chunky" chicken salad fan.  And the price was not cheap. With a glass of "Minute Maid" lemonade and a small pasta salad the tab came to $10.10.  The food was certainly good, the restaurant and servers were cute and clean.  But I have had much better "chicken" salad from Noni's when she was open near Shashy's. I have also enjoyed the turkey salad with large chunks that Allpots brought me from Bushwood CC one time when I was confined to quarters in my ankle bracelet.  So, unless you are dating a girl who really likes Chicken Salad Chick and don't mind leaving hungry, I would suggest you go next door for a burger and fries at Five Guys.

A manly burger for guys with real girlfriends!

We sort of reviewed Five Guys out at East Chase some time ago. For that post click here.  Normally we try to stay within the Gump and rate only non-chains. (Former cons don't like the word 'chains'). But in this case we have made two exceptions: Both Five Guys and Chicken Salad Chick are apparently chains.  But at least they are now squarely in the Gump and it's only a short drive from downtown to Ann Street/Zelda Road. And, I note, Chicken Salad Chick was founded in Opelika and apparently owned by proper Southerners.

Sackful of Five Guys fries needs its own chair.

So when the gang tried the new Five Guys on Zelda Road during the week between Christmas and New Years we learned several things:  First, do not order the regular fries for more than one person.  They fill the sack with enough fries to feed four fat people.  Second, get large numbers of ketchup cupettes filled and gather reams of napkins while you are waiting.  Third, avoid the free peanuts during your wait because you won't have any room left to eat your burger and fries if you do.

Preparing the landing zone for the big burgers...INCOMING!

I would point out that we did witness first hand a lower echelon miracle of sorts (would that be called a minicale?) Just before the Notre Dame blowout during our trip to Five Guys we noticed that in the short time it took to take the bag to our table that our bag filled with a burger and fries and already been soaked through with grease stains in the likeness of Alabama Coach Nick Saban.  We have the picture to prove it.  Of course, because of the terms of my parole I could not place an actual bet on the game, if I had a bookie I would have loaded up on Bama after seeing that greasy sack Saban face.  He was even in full blown "Saban Rage" mode.  Also, if I had known that Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarren had a carney-like tattoo on his chest the size of a basketball that would have sealed the deal because everyone knows that Catholics are deathly afraid of the carnies.

You can see the rage of St. Nick burning through the receipt

But back to the food.  The burgers are good but pricey. The coma that ensues upon eating at Five Guys means that it really is a place you should visit no more than once a month unless you are skipping meals before a visit.  Caution: Do not operate heavy machinery after a Five Guy's meal. This is definitely man vs. food.  Not chick v. snack.

Which brings us full circle and wraps this post up neatly.  There are two restaurants next to each other in Z-Red that could not be more different to a Chick magnet with a real girlfriend I have actually met...in person.

Five Will Get You Twelve For Expensive Chain Burger

The above sign is proudly displayed on the wall of Five Guys Burgers and Fries in Eastchase. It says: "Best Bargain" 2001-2007 "Washingtonian Magazine."On Urban Spoon, Five Guys is consistently rated "Best Cheap Eats" in Montgomery. Apparently, eighty percent of the 243 raters of the restaurant liked it. If so many like Five Guys, who are we to complain?  Well, we dare to complain!

This is all so wrong on so many levels. It's a chain, it's outside the bypass and the prices are way over the "Tojo Line." Admittedly, the burgers and fries are good. They are very good. But they are not "cheap" nor a bargain, except in Washington D.C. where everyone eats lunch on someone else's dime and prices are through the roof at any restaurant. Here is what it cost to have a regular bacon cheeseburger and a small order of fries and drink:

$11.74 and shroomless

There are many good burgers in the Gump that, in my opinion, are just as good as Five Guys although I have to say the fries at the Guys are outstanding even if not peanut allergy friendly. (If you have a peanut allergy you should not even go into this place). But speaking strictly of burgers, you have to admit that Hamburger King, Chris' Hotdogs and Bud's are some fine Gump establishments that serve up mean burgers with the first two coming in well below the $10 Tojo Line for a lunch burger. Heck, Dreamland has a pretty decent hamburger.

You can go over the wall to Eastchase for Five Guys but just don't try to tell anyone its a "cheap eats" or "bargain" and expect to maintain your credibility.

EDITORS NOTE: Our medical consultant has advised that peanut oil contains no protein and therefore does not trigger peanut allergies. We do not know if she if full of baloney or not.

Marina Re-opens on Shady Street: What would Cap'n Pat say?

The "Mariner"

We miss Old Cap'n Pat. He was a cantankerous crusty old fart, but he was curiously lovable and always interesting. When he "owned" the Marina Bar & Grill on Shady Street it was a seedy, grimey dump that probably violated every health, building and safety code the stateys have come up with. Heck, even dogs roamed the kitchen ("Dogs can't read the 'No Dogs Allowed' signs" said Capt. Pat). But despite the ramshackle lean-too architecture and shower curtain tree wraps, the place had a pirate feel and really good blue-cheese burgers. It attracted large crowds for lunch and was a pretty cool place to watch the sunset and quaff a brew after pretending to work.

I was real interested to see for myself what the "New" Marina Bar & Grill (note no "e" on the end) would be like when I heard they reopened for lunch on Tuesday of this week. So I took a few of my minions to lunch on the bosses' dime Thursday and drove them past the rusty Sabel Steel yard, over the potholes and through the rows of shacks to the appropriately named Shady Street where the "Mariner" (as we locals call it) precariously sits on a bluff overlooking the Alabama River.

Appearances can be deceiving but appearances have improved. The new owner, Capt. John Bull (the harmonica player and riverboat captain) has cleaned up the place and gotten rid of most of the horrible furniture and dusty things hanging from the roof. (I may miss the permanently inflated puffer fish though). The tables and chairs looked like they had been purchased from a high class Chinese restaurant. The floors were clean and the outside patio on the west side had been finally completed. The deck had been cleaned up, the railing fortified and those ugly shower curtains removed. The place actually looked like it may have a chance to pass a health inspection without any threats or "bribes" from Capt. Pat. No dogs in the area. I am not sure Capt. Pat would approve of knuckling under to Big Brother, but the place does look nicer. There is no doubt about that.

The patio deck sans pooches.

But as Old Tojo might say: "Yin and Yang very powerful. Don't mess with Yin-Yang" What he means is: Where you improve in one area you may fall back in others. I am afraid to say that may be the case here, at least in the early stages of working out the kinks of a new operation.

Not that anything was bad. It was all tasty. But it was pure vanilla Gump lunch fare served on styrofoam plates with the kind of plastic forks and knives you have at picnics. Look at this picture of the blue cheeseburger.

Kinda plain looking isn't it?

Bacon was requested but, although it came with the club sandwhich, it could not be added to the burger. It was good but how badly can you screw up these ingredients? The old "Bleu" was much greasier and messier and thicker. It required a bib. No so much this tamer version.

I tried the ubiquitous hamburger steak. It was covered with gravy, mushrooms and onions and was a little thin but good nonetheless. It was served on a bed of bread which was somewhat unusual but I did not have to eat the bread so it did not interfere with my enjoyment of the protein.

Prices were comparable to other places but I have to say I have been spoiled at Lunde's where for the same price you can get cornbread, blackened pork loin and homecooked veggies with a little tang to them. The Marina is not the kind of place Chase N. Allpots or Whig in a Blanket would consider. Too sparse and basic. No tablecloths, no cutlery and no crockery. And I-your humble Cornbread Carp--could not find any cornbread and I am fairly certain no real butter was anywhere near.

There is one thing the Marina Bar & Grill has going for it that no other place can match: It is the only restaurant in the Gump actually on the river. You can eat and launch your boat at the Marina because it really is a working marina with gas pumps and a floating party room in the shape of a riverboat. If you can find it, it is somewhat of a destination restaurant.

So we at LITG are pulling for the new owners to make it at the Marina. We will visit again in a few weeks and see how they have improved. So what would Cap'n Pat say? "You spent too much time fixing up the place and not enough on the menu." But, he would say it with a sarcastic smile so you could not tell whether he was kidding and really proud. I think he would be proud.

The Bud's Burger is Smokin' Hot

I know it is not really "Kobe" beef and I really do not like eating in a smoky bar,  but every now and then I have to have a "Bud's Burger Fix," and while waiting for my escort to arrive for the "Coco Before Chanel" movie at the Capri (which was a good flick by the way), I walked across the street to 1018 E. Fairview to the little nondescript hole-in-the-wall sports bar known to all in Cloverdale as just "Bud's."

"Buds" is the realm of one Bud Skinner who also owns Jubilee Seafood down the street. Bud rules his realm as a benevolent dictator with an iron fist.  Bud's has pool tables, shuffle board, sports on TV and, if you are hungry, "brisket" sandwiches and my favorite: The "Kobe" Beef Burger.  I usually order the burger with cheddar "all the way" and with the fries.  Because it takes a while to fully cook this 1/2 pound mound of beef, the wait provides a sufficient excuse to enjoy a Pabst from the tap while evesdropping on the lobbyists over in the corner regaling each other with their stories of political intrigue. If that were not entertaining enough, I could watch one of about eight screens above the bar, one of which was showing the finals of the NCAA women's soccer finals at UNC.  Sorry, no hair pulling this time. And although no one would ever tell Bud to his face: Get some more HDTV flat screens!

Once the star of the evening arrives from the kitchen, I always suggest cutting the thing in half so you can handle the girth of the burger (and make sure it is done), especially if you added the bacon, cheese, pickles and lettuce that comes when you order it "all the way."  The steak fries that you can order with the burger are also thick and large.  Together, it is a lot of food for a little money and the PBR's are cold and also cheap.  If you can stand the smoke (which isn't that bad early in the evening) it is a great place for the occasional big burger.  If you haven't tried Bud's I suggest you ignore the locals and "Sad Girl," (most don't bite) and make yourself at home at the bar.  If you give them a name, the next time you come in they will remember you and probably what you ordered.  "Cheers" for Montgomery.

Bud's opens around 4 p.m. for the early crowd and stays open into the wee hours for the college kids.