Old School Sunday NFL Lunch at Buds

Years from now men will wax nostalgic about "back in the day" when you could eat unhealthy but awesomely good hamburgers with a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon breathing second-hand smoke while watching pro football players trying to cause concussions. This past Sunday, after watching my first "Breaking Bad" episodes which caused me to have dreams that I had lung cancer,  I decided, instead of cooking crystal meth, that I would indulge in epicurean and visual gluttony with a drinking man's pro football lunch at smokey Bud's bar deep in the Gump at Old Cloverdale.

To those few of you who do not know about Bud's, let me give you a warning: This is not your hip, light, kid friendly, airy, slick, shiny sports bar with a full menu, peppy wait staff and dozens of flat screen TVs and cool sports memorabilia on the walls.  Bud's is the opposite of all of that. The idea of "heart healthy" fare would make a Bud's customer laugh until their smoker's hack kicked in.  Children--even your precious snowflakes--are held in the same disdain as vegetarians.  The place is dark and lit only by the CRT's of the fat TVs that display a variety of sporting events with absolutely no "closed captioning" for those not watching the only game connected to the sound system.  Smoking is not prohibited--it is encouraged.  Even cigars are allowed.

Bud's in the daytime ready for customers.

There is no neon sign out front, no matchbooks or napkins with a "Bud's" logo and certainly no web page or Facebook page to "friend."  The folks at Bud's don't want Facebook friends.  They want a friend with a match and an extra unfiltered Camel.  There is a land-line phone, but if a neglected wife or girlfriend calls, the bartender will look right into the eye of the offending patron and deadpan: "Haven't seen him." ("Eye" singular was used intentionally).

For the true sport's fan there are actually plenty of TV's and they are connected to the NFL network. This means that as you smoke your cigarette and sip your cold mug of draft beer at the bar you can watch at least six football games at the same time.  As you do, you will sit next to those with the jersey's of their favorite players in far off cities like Minneapolis or Baltimore. Why, if you hold your mouth right, they might even tune one to the Premier league.

There are also some healthy activities.  There is shuffle board and pool on tattered, well-worn equipment for 50 cents a game.  There was a "Golden Tee" in the corner, but it has not worked in months and, at Bud's, they do not consider that routine maintenance.

So why would a guy dreaming of lung cancer go to this throwback sports bar filled with smoke?  There are three reasons: (1) I do not want to "Break Bad;" (2) They have PBR on tap and (3) They serve a delicious, big, greasy, bacon cheeseburger with real fries that will clog your arteries faster than the smoke can kill you.  The burger is said to be made with Wagyu beef and seems to come in a around 1/2 pound and served with melty Swiss or cheddar cheese.  Whether or not it is Wagyu or not does not really matter.  It is old-school delicious.  Deep fried potatoes, tomatoes, pickles and lettuce provide the other elements of the food pyramid.  My suggestion, cut the thing in half and take some home for later if you have the stones to ask for a "to go" box.  There are many good burgers in the Gump and we have rated them all.  But the Bud's burger is right up there with the best of them and on a dreary winter Sunday afternoon, there is nothing quite like having a cheeseburger chased with a Bud at Bud's.

Yes, there is a place where consenting adults can destroy their health while watching consenting football players try to knock each other out.  It is called Bud's and you should enjoy it while it is still legal.

Atypical Luncheon Conversation Between Gumpy Old Men at Roux (with apologies to Saki).

[Alas, they were too late. Roux is now True.  The silver lining is that True--and I dined there last evening--is hitting on all cylinders. I enjoyed my lamb loaf with sweet potatoes and I normally don't eat sweet potatoes. Ed. 10/20/2012]

The Archives Office clock reached eleven with the respectful unobtrusiveness of one whose mission in life is to be ignored until 4:59 p.m.  Without so much as a “Tah” to his assistant, our career management level Statey, one Whiggin Blanquet, rose from his calculations of his DROP payment at his faux-wood desk, grasped his walking stick and strode out the door to his near-by reserved parking spot. He quickly drove off toward his favorite lunch spot in Cloverdale—Roux—where he was to be treated to lunch and to a rare conversation with his foil/counterpart, one Chase N. Allpots, the decayed gentleman from Ireland.

“I’m starving,” Whiggin Blanquet announced, making an effort to sit down gracefully and read the menu at the same time.

“So I gathered,” said his Irish host, “from the fact that you were nearly punctual.  Perhaps I ought to have told you that I am now on an Atkins diet.  In your absence I’ve ordered two bowls of gumbo and rice without the rice and a truffle pasta salad without the truffles and pasta. I hope you don’t mind.”

Blanquet pretended afterwards that he did not go white above the collar line for a fraction of a second before he realized Allpots was trying to make a joke.  He was saved when he saw the waiter approaching with two cups of gumbo with rice piled above the rim and his favorite truffle pasta salad that he one day hoped would be named for his boyhood pet and beloved truffle-hunting piglet: Mortimer. (For a prior post mentioning dear Mortimer, click here.)

This little pig could hunt

Whiggin Blanquet breathed a sign of relief.

“All the same,” Blanquet said, “you ought not to joke about such things. There really are such Atkins people.  I’ve known people who’ve met them. To think of all the adorable things there are to eat at this restaurant and in the world and then to order and go through life munching tofu and being proud of it.”

“These Atkins people are like the Flagellants of the Middle Ages, who went about mortifying themselves,” Allpots sniffed.

“They had some excuse,” Blanquet said. “They did it to save their immortal souls, didn’t they? But as for these Atkins dieters, you needn’t tell me that a man who doesn’t love pasta and bread and truffles has got a soul, or a stomach either.  He’s simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed.”

Blanquet and Allpots relapsed for a few golden moments into tender intimacies with a succession of rapidly disappearing shrimp and truffles.

“I think shrimp and truffles are more beautiful than any religion,” Blanquet resumed presently. “They not only forgive our unkindness to them; they justify it, they incite us to go on being perfectly horrid to them.  Once they arrive at the lunch-table they seem to enter thoroughly into the spirit of the thing. There’s nothing in Christianity or Buddhism that quite matches the unselfishness of a shrimp or a truffle.  Do you like my new tie? I’m wearing it for the first time today.”

“It looks like a great many others that I have seen lately, only worse,” said Allpots.  “And you really should try to avoid marginalizing religions by comparing them to shrimp or truffles.”

“Touche,” said Whiggen Blanquet once again mindful that the skin-flint Allpots was actually treating him to lunch for a change.  “To what do I owe the honor of this fine occasion?”

Allpots became apparently serious and lowered his voice saying: “We may not agree on much—or even enjoy each other’s company for that matter—but we do agree on one thing: Roux for lunch.  And those of us with the sense to know True Banh Mi from a Taco Bell burrito must patronize our fine lunch spots to keep them here when we need a Shrimp Ceasar Po’boy or Tuna “Nicoise” Salad with a Pimm’s Cup.”

Dear me, Blanquet thought to himself, Allpots has found something worth supporting with his purse and the old boy had a point.

“Well then, “ said Blanquet finishing off the last bit of pasta, “I shall show my support for the cause by ordering one of those divine Shrimp Caesar Po’Boys and a Vodka martini.”

Allpots wiped the trace of gumbo and the beginnings of a smile from his lips, and slowly lowered his dexter eyelid.  Which, being interpreted, probably meant, “Not on my tab.”

(For info on Saki: http://www.online-literature.com/hh-munro/)

News from NoClo: There may be a new sheriff in town....

Is that a Spanish question mark?

Your Lunch in the Gump investigative reporting team (yours truly, The Younger and Detective D) visited the NoClo (North Cloverdale) district today and boy have we got some news for you!

NoClo is already the home of Chophouse VY, Derk's Filet and Vine and the Pine Bar Salad Bar with more eateries and/or drinkeries on the way. Here's the straight poop:

First, we know that Derk's Filet and Vine has now opened its ADDITIONAL SEATING AREA which means that instead of sitting next to the lighter fluid and charcoal or standing around looking lost with your tray waiting for a un-bussed table, you can enjoy your meal on the new wooden tables while perusing the fine wine selections in the new presentation room. Today the fried pork chops were the size of boneless pig's knuckles and the veggies superb. I will note the cornbread was warm and they offer unlimited Land O Lakes butter as a condiment. The Younger could not even devour the entire pig knuckle chop it was so huge. The price is a bit over the Tojo line ($10) with drink but Derk's is still one of the best meat and three hot tables en el todo del Gump. Derk's remains a LITG favorite for lunch.

Second, we know that Nancy Patterson Catering, LLC is no longer renting space in North Cloverdale and, in fact, is in a bit of a kerfuffle with the landlord (Atlantic & Pacific Development, LLC) over an alleged "breach of lease" involving a claim of $172,172.58. (See CV 2010-900762). The case is assigned to the Hon. Johnny Hardwick (a Lunch in the Gump fan and Davis Cafe icon). We hope cooler heads will prevail and matters can be settled amicably. The defendant's answer is due in about 30 days.

Third, we know that all of the former Nancy Patterson's Bistro space has now been rented and we have the picture to prove it (see above). We also know, according to high placed sources, that the new restaurant will be opening in September of this year. We believe that date to be somewhere around September 9. We cannot reveal our source for this information.

Now, here is where it gets a little tougher to report. Who is going to fill the space vacated by the Bistro? Inquiring Gumpers want to know! As a public service, your team of reporters fanned out across the Gump to seek those in the know willing to go on the record with the skinny on the new restaurant in "NoClo." We initially heard some tripe about the Hot N Hot Fish Club folks from the 'Ham looking over the space. We also hoped rumors we heard were true that Corsino's would move out of their present dump into the new space. But hoping doesn't make it happen and we, like all good reporters, seek the truth. So, as the mainstream media is so often to do, we sought ought an expert opinion. We found a well-known celebrity full of opinions and who expresses them freely on the radio during Lunch in the Gump. That experience in today's media passes for expertise on all things that relate to lunch. I am, of course, talking of Advertiser and radio talk show host Josh Moon who is an expert on about anything you can think to ask him. So we approached Mr. Moon about the mystery of what restaurant will fill the Bistro Space and got this thoughtful response:

"Everyone is just tired of having American food all the time and with all the negative publicity Arizona has received, it would be plain stupid to put another Italian restaurant or fish club in that space. So, I have it on very good authority from undisclosed sources that the owners have inked a deal with........" (See picture below).

Don Jose Tienda Mexica!

You saw it here first!

Brunch in the Gump at Sinclair's in Old Gumperdale

In 1992 a successful group of businessmen, not unlike myself, took what at one time was a Sinclair gas station and started a "bistro" restaurant at 1051 E. Fairview called Sinclair's. As one brought to the gump from abroad at the tender age of five years, I have vague but happy memories of riding my bicycle down to 10-cent Saturday matinees at the Capri and filling my tires with air at the Sinclair station.

The movies and summer days at Cloverdale Community Center under the watchful eye and "board" of Coach Sellers taught me the ways of the South in the late 50s and early 60s in a place that was, from the standpoint of a crew-cut young chap with a funny accent, an idyllic place to grow up. Saturday's were particularly magical times when you could get on your trusty bike in the morning, with baseball cards clothes-pinned to your spokes and a small sack lunch in hand and spend all of the long summer day jumping on trampolines (without nets); boxing with oversize gloves, playing whiffle-ball and basketball in the gym and Stratego and other board games while you listed to "Paperback Writer" on the juke box. All which brings me to the present with a similarly satisfying Saturday Brunch down memory lane in cozy Sinclairs in Old Cloverdale.

This Saturday, while the Global Warming snow melted away, I popped into Sinclairs during their "Weekend Brunch" window (11 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.) and, as an executive, ordered the "Executive Eggs" for $8.50 with a complimentary glass of Champagne or Mimosa. What I received were two poached eggs with bacon on my favorite English Muffins with a salty and delicious Hollandaise sauce. The eggs were sided by what you Southerners call "hash browns" but which looked liked chunky potatoes cooked with onions and peppers to me. Together they warmed me cockles as the Mimosa allowed the warm memories of my youth to flood over me. Why, looking out of the window I could almost see and smell Joe's Deli (pastrami burger) and the Cloverdale Pharmacy (fresh donuts) right across East Fairview.

I am well aware that "foodies" would find the fare at Sinclair's to be less than edgy. But I would ask the same food critics to name me all of the non-chain restaurants you know in the Gump that are still popular after 18 years. Longevity is some indication of quality control. And the quality at Sinclairs is rather consistent even if only slightly better than average. Their menu is very diverse--maybe too much going on--but everything is reasonably priced and the service is usually good.

Those of you who grew up in the Northern Territories and feel stuck in the Gump will not share my experience at Sinclairs. Nevertheless, I would recommend the Weekend Brunch in the Old Cloverdale location without hesitation as a good and friendly place to eat where you will usually see some of your own expatriates. Just don't mess with the "Hatman" on the trivia game.

Jubilee Seafood--Ole Reliable

If you mention seafood to Montgumphrians 9 of 10 times the first word out of their mush mouths will be "Jubilee". Nestled in the heart of Old Cloverdale (1057 Woodley Road), Bud Skinner's Jubilee Seafood is perhaps the best Alabama seafood restaurant north of the Gulf of Mexico. Now if you expect snazzy modern decor and tiled decorated bathrooms you will be sorely disappointed. Heck, the tile on the floor is worn through. The deal is Skinner does not waste money on ambiance. He invests in his people and in the fresh catch he cuts into every portion served himself. His business plan means he has managed to recruit and keep the best waitstaff and bartender in the Gump. They function together like a well-oiled machine. If you ever get a drink at the bar from Scott, the next time you come in--one week or one month later--Scott will call you by your name and ask you if you want another.

A little pricey (entrees run $22 to $24) but you can bring visitors who eat raw fish for breakfast (like the Swedes) to Jubilie--and I have--and they will rave about the broiled or grilled Grouper, Amberjack or Trout.

Again, it is not cheap, decorated to impress and you will normally have to wait (unless you want to sit at the bar). But the bottom line is that the food is reliably outstanding.

Bud's is only open for dinner Tuesday through Saturday 5 p.m. to 10 p.m.


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The Chop House Vintage Year

Took the fam to the Vintage Year to celebrate several birthdays. It was our first visit to the recently opened "Chop House Vintage Year" in Old Cloverdale. We had been regular customers of the Vintage Year over the years and were glad to see it re-opened and boy were we impressed. Toadpot the Foodie is very hard to please but she loved the ahi Tuna dish and the soup of the day. Tayteese Who Must Be Obeyed loved her steak but raved about the soup! Casey Ray ordered the last scallop entre and liked it. I tried the lamb with crab meat and was very impressed. The presentation (striped asparagus with three dots of gravy on each side of the meat) was above what you normally see in the Gump. Entree prices are what you would expect ($18-$27) but they include two sides. All in all a very enjoyable experience. Ran about $400 for six people (including $110 in adult beverages) with tip.

Service was deliberate but professional. This is not a place to come if you are not willing to engage in conversation with your group as the plan is for each party to spend about an hour over dinner and a glass of wine.

The new bar is expanded and was almost full on a Tuesday. Artwork is done by local artists and is really interesting. The formal dining area is now smaller and quieter. I would recommend reservations--especially on weekends or if you must sit in the bar area. [If you can guess the names of all the persons whose portraits appear on the wall of the bar--you are really up on current events]

My group is normally hard to please but they were unequivocally high on this place. Ben Skelly, the new chef, did a great job. We give it: 4 of 5 "Chops" for food, 3 0f five "Colonial Bank Shares" for price and 4 of 5 "Candles" for ambiance.