Apocolyst Gump

What with all the turmoil in the world, sabre rattling, disasters and planes dropping from the sky one cannot help but this may be the beginning of the Apocalypse.  I mean, at this particular time we have:  (1) War in the Ukraine including a Malaysian civilian airliner shot from the sky; (2) Civil war in Iraq with the Sunni attacking the Shiite (which has never happened before except a few hundred times); (3) War in the Gaza strip between Israel and Hamas (again not unprecedented); (4) A still missing Malaysian airliner in the Indian Ocean; (5) An Ebola outbreak in Africa (6) A plane crash in Mail, Ethiopia, (7) A border crisis; and (8) Earthquakes in China. Even "traditional" societal mores have been falling like dominoes at a pace never before seen.  Heck, at the current rate of social change, Alabama will soon allow gay marriages, gambling and marijuana sales. Dogs and cats living together will be next.  It's really only a matter of time isn't it? Some even suggest our President should be impeached as the Antichrist. Woe, dismay and worry abound. Other than the gloomy news, there is very little news at all.  No wonder all I watch are Doomsday Preppers and The Food Network.

Which, as always, leads me to thinking about Lunch in the Gump.  Assuming the impending collapse of society and the decay of our lunch system as we now know it, I have been thinking about where I would eat while the food was still fresh and hot and then work my way through the remaining restaurants until I have to start foraging. Then I think about the order of animals I would like on a spit as they are literally eaten out of existence. In other words, where would the food disappear from Gump restaurants first and what would be the last animal eaten before we hit "The Road" and start looking at our husky friends and seeing beefsteak.

Think about it, tomorrow the economic system collapses under runaway inflation and your money is no good but you have some 9 mm ammunition or other useful stuff to barter. Where do you do lunch knowing that they will not be open long before they run out of food and other supplies? You need to plan and make a list: Apoca-list Gump!

For me making that list is tough.  Where would I go first?   Right now I would go to Derk's first, give him 10 rounds for his pistol and have a good ole fried pork chop, some squash casserole and spicy cornbread chased by a still-cool bottle of fine pinot grigio. After all, he won the first and now defunct BCS Lunch Bowl championship and the most recent head-to-head survey challenge on the Lunch in the Gump Facebook Page.  I figure the Derk's lunch counter is adequately protected with butcher knives to hold out for a few hours if they gave the hungry zombies bottles of wine or used the bottles as clubs.  If True were still open for lunch, I would stop by there before bugging out but, alas, they are only open for dinner so I would have to just fondly remember by last terrific pork chop and pinot noir there with friends.

After Derk's was eventually overrun by hungry zombies, I would drive my SUV through the mob at full speed and travel over to Michael's Table for some of their Schnitzel and another glass of now room temperature white.  Don't know what I could barter they would care about but some of my fishing lures might interest the chef.  Some may say the best move would be Bud's on the theory that not even the Zombies could find it.  However, I say move downtown and then north to the largest water supply: Lake Martin.

An artist's conception of apocalypse-crazed zombie chile poblano seeking revenge.

 I would stay at Michael's until the ditch behind Zelda Place filled with hungry Chile Poblanos seeking revenge on the patrons of nearby La Zona Rosa.  I would then duck in to Chicken Salad Chick and see if they would "sell me" at gunpoint a quart of their regular chicken salad needed seriously "TO GO" before the Poblano's overrun the area.  Failing that I would rev up the SUV, now covered with blood and gore, and head for Central downtown squishing hundreds of Poblanos along the way.  There I would feast on what was left of Chef Leo's calamari, assuming it was still fresh.

Of course, by this time the sea food at Capital Oyster Bar would be quickly losing its shell-food life and may have to be avoided although it would be temptingly close to the relative safety of the Alabama river which is full of all sorts of questionably palatable river life.  Zombies do not swim although they can walk along the bottom of the river and pop up on the other side.  It is important to treat the river shoreline like a wildebeest expecting crocodiles would.

With my "bug-out" kit full of chicken salad and 9 mm rounds beside me I would then head up to Lake Martin to a secret spot on the water where deer seem to abound. I would think the dams would halt the underwater march of zombies north from the Gump.   But then again, the march from Georgia south perhaps would cause a pile up against the structure. Let the Georgia Zombie War begin!

After cleaning out the deer I would move to the squirrels, then the raccoons and foxes all the while fishing hard for crappie and bass.  I would eventually move on to the polite little chipmunks and then the various birds hitting my feeder.  When that supply was exhausted, I suppose it would be time to give up--even if armadillos were plentiful.  I mean, if you look in the mirror or your reflection in a stream and see yourself eating an armadillo, it may be time to go to..... McDonalds?

Seriously, things have got to get better soon or we will all be fighting over the last shipment of Chicken McNuggets so infused with preservatives that they will last 50 years without refrigeration as we all speak Russian or Arabic.   What is Russian for a Chicken McNugget anyway? Цыпленок McСамородок. This is pronounced: Cureetza McCrapeeza.  Somehow that sounds right. Things at that point could not get any worse.

Pray for Some International Sanity and Stay Hungry My Friends!  Remember our Motto:

 

What Derk's Filet & Vine, the Carp's Corruption Trial, Louisiana. Redfish, Moby Dick, the USOPEN and the Pledge of Allegiance Have in Common

Derk's Proudly Displays the 2010 LCBS Certificate!

The answer is: The invention of agriculture!

You see, after exile for two weeks in the chain restaurant capitol of the world (i.e. Dothan AL) it was comforting to return to No-Clo and the 2010 LBCS Champion: Derk's Filet & Vine for the best lunch in the Gump for $12.44 including tax and tea. What is so great about Derk's is that the food is so consistently good that you take the quality for granted. This allows your mind to focus on more important things like the banter by and between long-time LITG regulars Bidgood Bob, Fat Clemenza, Norm, and The Younger. Thanks to the invention of agriculture which supplies Derk's with the meats and produce served up each day and, incidentally, which freed humankind to study literature, art, philosophy and blogging, here is what your humble, noble and sometimes ranty pup learned around one of the Derk's tables in the wine section of the deli/grocery/bottle shop that is our local Filet & Vine:

The Cornbread Carp's Corruption Trial: As has been previously noted in this blog, our Cornbread Carp was indicted last year by the FBI for allegedly offering favorable blog posts in exchange for extra spring rolls and/or desserts at the Green Papaya. Apparently, one of the waitstaff was wearing a wire. The news from the trial was that, so far, it is going well for the Carp. The prosecution's first witness, Somsong "Scott" Dufusjai, did obtain a recording of the Carp saying: "I just want you to show me some love and a couple of extra egg rolls would help me understand the quality of the food and write a better review." However, although Dufusjai knew he was wired, the tapes also caught him engaging in ethnic food slurs such as: "These pasty crackers don't understand anything about Asian peppers." The jury, which is half cracker, rolled their eyes at several such incredibly stupid and insensitive remarks as primo defense lawyer Bobby Seagall (second chair to Reginald McLucid) bore into Dufusjai until he looked like wormwood. "Stick a fork in that Dufus," chuckled Joe Espy (counsel for a co-defendant said after 2 1/2 days of testimony by Dufusjai) "He's done." One of the defendants was quoted as saying that Dufusjai should resign as vice-president of the Gump Restaurant Association which spawned numerous such calls from other restaurateurs. So far it looks pretty good for our friend the Carp. Here's hoping he can rejoin the group soon. The consensus of the group is that he has been falsely accused--at least for now. We will see how the wind blows next week.

Louisiana Redfish: Apparently Bidgood Bob spent the last weekend in Cutoff, La. with some Cajun coon ass fishermen (wow, just reading that Dufuses testimony has me barking racial slurs). We learned at lunch that a Redfish recently escaped will bite again which scientifically shows that Redfish have very short attention spans. As Bidgood said: "Redfish live only to eat and make little Redfish." Put them down as words to live by. We also learned that the attraction of Redfish fishing, combined with that of a cold beer, will get you pulled over for speeding in the Parishes south of New Orleans and that you should NEVER, EVER, offer the high sheriff a cold beer when he approaches your driver-side window even when the temperature is 101 degrees in the shade. Thankfully, we also learned that our local probation office does not communicate with Louisiana Parish records, probably because of the Napoleonic Code or some such rational reason.

Moby Dick (the Short Version): The discussion of chasing fish and drinking beer naturally led to a discussion of the classic allegory Moby Dick. Not the one by Herman Melville dummy! We at the LITG prefer the shorter and better version penned by our own Bidgood Bob (you can click on link above to read the entire short version). Let's just say it involves a relentless quest for the white whales that form pods at the Flora Bama and the beers and tequila's that fuel the search and spoil the aim of the harpooners. I like the ending: "From here, accounts of the outcomes differ." I am sure they do.

The USOPEN: The gang was all impressed with the successful quest of Rory McIlroy who won the USOPEN wire to wire at Congressional. Chase N. Allpots, who knew I had been assigned this week's post, "rang me" to remind me that McIlroy was Northern Irish which means he is a British subject who would drink Bushmills Irish Whiskey and not a true Irishman who would drink Jameson's. Thankfully the kid has millions cause he has a bad case of Gingervitis.

The Pledge of Allegiance: But the real subject of conversation turned to the omission of "under God, indivisible" from the lead-in 30-second spot which began coverage of the Open on Sunday. Comments ranged from a vast liberal conspiracy to remove God from all things American to pity for the poor slub who made the call to cut those words from the coverage. He's got some "splainin'" to do for sure. Regardless, in a free country a private company has no duty to repeat the Pledge as written in 1954 or as it existed prior to that date (sans the reference to God). One thing is certain, religion and blogging do not mix so we shall leave this hot potato alone.

All's well that ends well and lunch at Derk's usually ends well. Indeed, by the end of lunch, we had all cleaned our plates (even--in honor of the Carp--to and including devouring the cornbread muffin that jumped ship and hit the floor) and exhausted the above-stated points of conversation. While having a fine lunch we had ventured from current legal events, great literature, a major sporting event and patriotism. Some say LITG is about more than lunch. Some say it is a fine literary society or a political force for good in the world. Some say reading this blog could result in total consciousness and of course results may vary. You say: What do all these things have in common? I say it is the roasted chicken, squash caserole and baby lima beans at Derk's Filet & Vine during Lunch in the Gump and the conversation they spawn.

So stay hungry my friends and support our local fare or (God forbid) we will turn into Dothan with a Capitol...."D"?

(Look for a revieux of Roux at the A&P Lofts soon).

The LITG "Year in Review" (2010)

The year 2K10, as viewed through the greasy prism of the Lunch in the Gump gang, was a year of surprises and reversals of fortune. It was a down year for the economy, gambling, Obama, Bama and the Bistro but an up year for the GOP, criminal defense lawyers, Auburn and Derk's Filet and Vine. Join us now for a walk down lunch memory lane for a review of the history of world as revealed in the best posts on Lunch in the Gump. Like so many fine works of literature, we shall start at the beginning:

We started the year observing that the imitation "spread" Gecko served at the Commerce Cafe was not affected by the cold corn muffin. We re-checked the status after Christmas and found no change:

The "butter" Gecko sits defiantly atop a corn muffin after a welding torch failed to melt him.

Despite the foregoing, the Commerce Cafe is still going strong as do most entities with a symbiotic relationship to the RSA. Unfortunately, two of the six places rated in January are no longer with us: Tokyo and Cujo's Lunch Express. Their food will not be missed. I may eventually miss that funky smell from the Tokyo dumpster. Was it ground nutria?

The best line in January was: "Capitol Oyster Bar oozes Gumpness like an open sore." But the most memorable character making its debut in January was the ubiquitous "Chile Poblano" of La Zona Rosa fame. Thankfully, they can be kept at bay with a dull fork.

February brought the 2010 winter Olympics and the beginning of what appeared to be a year of gambling raids and/or indictments. Here in the Gump one of our favorites--Hamburger King--won the Burger Luge and India Palace won the silver in Goat Roping. But the visual memory of the 2010 Olympics was the vision of Tommie Smith and John Carlos raising the black power salute on the podium to protest the closing of Victoryland.

The Eastbrook Cafe was also raided when its famous pulleybones were used as part of the "Pulleybone Method" to determine who would pay the check. We called it a game of skill, the gambling task force called it a lottery. The pulleybones were saved when cooler heads prevailed after Tojo held John Tyson like a pulleybone and Tojo told the stormtroopers to leave: "Or else Tojo make wish."

March Madness and Chile Poblano Day dominated the third month. The Effete Eight included La Zona Rosa, Cook Ma's, Hamburger King, Lunde's, Martins, Chop House and newcomer Sa-Zas. The Chile Poblano saw its shadow portending six more weeks of winter.

In 2010, the Chile Poblano ("La Zona Rosa Filipe") saw his shadow.

April was filled with tricks, tragedy and redemption. Our April Fools Day announcement of the closing of Chris' Hot Dogs brought traffic to a halt as throngs flooded downtown to savor their last Chris' dog and cheeseburger. Thankfully, it was just a cruel joke that caused the highest of number of hits on the blog in history. The closing of Hamburger King wasn't a joke, but thankfully it was only temporary. Sadly, we lost ole curmudgeon Capt'n Pat at the end of the month and could only be consoled with the opening of another season of Biscuits and Brats at Riverwalk.

In May, the great recession began losing it's grip on the gang as we saw forays "above the Tojo Line" to "The House" at the Renaissance and the always excellent Michael's Table in Z-Red. You might be interested to know that the Fed now uses Lunch in the Gump to spot trends in the economy. However, to the dismay of many, LITG foolishly dabbled in politics and endorsed a candidate for public office. It was the Kiss of Death and will not be repeated (unless and until we change our minds).

June brought us a new restaurant and hints of a replacement for Nancy Paterson's Bistro in No-Clo. Sal's Pizza opened in the Z-Red and has been going strong ever since. With PBR and outstanding pizzas, the place has been very popular despite its splendid view of drainage ditch at the back of Zelda Place. Whereas Nancy Paterson's was in the process of jumping to a new location--like the Cornhusker's jumped to the Big-Ten--rumors of a new restaurant in their old location began to circulate in June. The month ended with one of our own--Reginald McLucid--having his car towed from in front of Sa-Zas where he was triple parked. McLucid was shocked that the law applied to high-priced criminal lawyers. His campaign against the eatery has been relentless ever since.

July hailed the re-opening of the renovated Marina on Shady Street but may have foretold the beginning of the end for Bama Bistro on Commerce. As Bidgood Bob put it: "Bama Bistro may not make it, but hell, neither did any of the banks or investment firms who used to have palatial offices on this part of Commerce Street." We will miss the Bistro and hope the Marina will hit its stride when the weather improves.

In August we saw the re-opening of Nancy Paterson's Bistro in Zelda Place, the mystery of "Bob 's Salad" at Dreamland revealed, and a strong showing for The Olive Room. But everything was not "ducky." The summer heat must have gotten to me, but I had a little brain fart and went off on a rant about Katrina victims that caused quite a stir and almost cost the loss of the my blogging status.

Thankfully, Bidgood Bob didn't pull the trigger.

September brought the beginning of the college football season which was supposed to involve a repeat championship for the Crimson Tide and created a near-crisis in the Gump when members avoided each other to avoid fraternizing with the enemy. I rose like a Phoenix after my near-death experience and, like Colbert, honored Congress by testifying about the egg salmonella scare we experienced that month.

One of our most popular blogs ever heralded the opening in October of the Village Kitchen in No-Clo. Old Mortimer the pig would love the Truffle Fries. But controversy raised its ugly head again with the indictment of the Blogging 11 (including our own Cornbread Carp) who were accused of selling favorable blog posts for random appetizers. That story will play out in 2011 although at the end of the year, one of the defendants plead guilty and began tuning up to turn on the others. The Carp is in the good hands of Sir. Reginald McLucid, counselor and expert parking ticket evader.

November saw Auburn continue their narrow escapes while Bama faltered. It also saw the first Republican legislature in Alabama history and the opening of two new restaurants: All-City Coney Island Eatery and Mamma Nems. All-City pleasantly surprised but Mama Nems was overwhelmed and unprepared. Perhaps in 2011 they will be able to hire a service staff. But, unfortunately, most will remember November for the Cecil Carp controversy. As we all now know, Reverend Cecil Carp was offering to sell his son's (Cornbread's) favorable reviews for money. It was more scandal for the Cornbread Carp but eventually Cornbread was cleared by the FBI although many find it hard to believe he did not know what his father was doing behind the scenes. LITG has disassociated Rev. Carp from participation.

Of course December brought resolution to the BCS Championship and a Heisman Trophy for Cam Newton. However, more importantly, the LITG Lunch Bowl Championship Series came down to an epic struggle "between the wedges" of Filet and Vine and Shashy's Bakery and Fine Foods. After a two-day cage fight, Derk's prevailed and was proclaimed our 2010 LBCS Champion. Auburn fans can only hope for such a victory over the Ducks.

The shrimp etouffe at Shashy's was very fresh.

Despite the indictments of many of our friends and a struggling economy, it has been a fun year at LITG. Although we lost some favorite lunch spots, we have replaced them with some fine new ones. We hope our friends--and the Carp-are either acquitted or sentenced to serve time at the Maxwell CC.

Tojo and I wish to thank all our contributors who work for free to make this the number one blog in the world about eating lunch in Montgomery despite the sparse competition. We look forward to the opening of a deli in Alley Station and other restaurants in 2011 as the economy improves. Most importantly, we wish you a Happy, Prosperous and Sated New Year in 2011.

Stay hungry our friends!

Happy Holidays from Shadow Pup.
As you can see from the tag on my collar, I predict that Auburn will win the BCS game by a score of 22-19 by a fieldgoal on the last play.

2010 LBCS Cerfiticate Awarded to "Derk's" Filet & Vine

Proudly displayed at Filet & Vine



 

We do not accept free meals or advertising from the restaurants we review (unless we are caught and disclose it).  In this case, however, we all paid for all of our meals at Derk's and have not even asked him to advertise with us since we don't sell advertising space anyway.

Derk's Wins 2010 LBCS Championship 6-2 over Shashy's!



Urban cool at Shashy's in the calm before the traditional Bagel Walk...



Coach Derk Lyerly leading his team under the W.C. Fields Arch into the dining room at Derk's.

 

Whoa Nellie!  It was a real flan burner, a battle etoufee, a bread heat, a Rumble in the Gumple! Yes, it was Lunch in the Gump -- back-to-back at the two finest lunch spots in Montgomery (according to our thousands of readers), reviewed by the sharpest wits and food critics in el todo del Gumpo (that's "in all the Gump" for you all at El Cantaro).

Every aspiring chef from the time they create their first edible Easy Bake Oven recipe dreams of the day they can display their talents on the world's biggest stage for lunch reviews in Montgomery, Alabama: The Lunch in the Gump Bowl Championship Series (LBCS) Finals!!

All the years of work, the pain, the health inspections, the adversity, meeting payrolls and then, finally, it all comes together and you have your shot at lunch immortality and you stand there, with the confetti flying about you, holding the coveted pure aluminum LBCS Championship Trophy. It just doesn't get better than this, unless you are one of those shallow motards who think your university winning all their American armoured wankerball games (as Allpots calls them) is an accomplishment, and you don't count.

It was quite a lineup served up by the Derk's Ducks in the first half: baked chickens the size of footballs, sirloin kabobs skewered with Conecuh sausage, fried chicken the size of Tojo's head, all adorned with some of the finest fresh vegetables anywhere in the area and a variety of fresh cornbread muffins.

Seated among cases of expensive vino destined for the homes of fatcats who can't tell Opus One from horse pee, the Gump critics, for the most part, sampled from each other's plates to insure fairness in the judging (it must be noted, however, that Tojo Yamamoto only shares with Shadow Pup).

At halftime, it appeared the quick and fast Ducks were going to pull all the meat away from the bone.



This duck had a bad day....

 But the War Bagels of Shashy's had no quit or grits in them. Normally nondescript in their approach with no visible signs from Mulberry Street except the tradition-filled "EATS" and "Bakery" sign on their stadium, in the second half they took the table with French Dip, Shrimp Etoufee, Chicken and Tabouli Salads, Artichoke Casserole at defensive end, a Fried Pork Chop and a Greek Grouper pulling up the rear. When pulled out of the pile the Greek Grouper yelled its popular war cry: "OPA!" and the battle was on.

Shashy's took risks, big risks. A tabouli salad is made with wheat bulger that to serve correctly has to be allowed time to swell after the olive oil is applied. One false move and the whole thing swells in the tummy causing that "I'm about to pop" feeling all true lunch fans fear. But team Shashy pulled it off, even though they forgot the chopped onions to confuse the referees.

Norm attacks the Tabuli before it goes into the spread offense

 while the FPC looks on...helpless.

With all the options and misdirection, the Lunch in the Gump gang caused local confusion but were "outed" by other fans anyway. One noted sports columnist, Mickey Griffin, thought we were the "The Lunch in the Bunch Gump" or "The Lunch of the Punch drunk." Never mind, we kept our ears pinned back and a necks bowed as we devoured the tasty fare. We put aside such distractions and kept our eyes on the bowl.

PBR in reserve.

When it was all over and the dust had settled, the final scores were posted by the LITG epicureans:

Snooty Old Chase N. Allpots: Shashy's for the bland but respectable etoufee, snappy table service, the decor and the ample parking;

Innocent Until Proven Guilty Cornbread Carp: Derk's for the combination of a blue collar cafeteria and snooty bottleshoppe atmosphere, humongous portions, no cell phones in line, PBR in the cooler and Pomerol by the case;

Politically Incorrect Shadow Pup: Shashy's for the smell of freshly baked breads served with every entree and they don't take food stamps to keep out the riff-raff;

Massive Tojo Yamamoto: Derk's, because Tojo leave full, rub belly, burp, taste excellent cabbage again, need nap.

Man-about-town Bidgood Bob: Derk's, because of the self-serve drink bar where you can get half sweet/half unsweet so that your tea is like Baby Bear's porridge -- just right.

Person of Interest The Younger: Derk's because you can't argue against a face-sized boneless chicken breast.

Wry wino BB MAK: Derk's! Because the food is hot, fresh, quick and filling. Something just about every other restaurant aspires to serve but usually falls short. Plus, I found out about some secret parking spots. Double plus: I like being surrounded by fine wine while I eat. It makes me feel sophisticated--even if I cannot actually pronounce "sophisticaed" after consuming several glasses of said wine.

Made Man Fat Clemenza: Tough, as it should be. While the ambiance and overall dining experience edge would have to go to Shashy's, if asked where I would take someone from out of town the immediate response would be Derks! Therefore, Fat Clemenza delegation casts all of its votes for the next LITG series champion: Derk's Filet and Vine!

And there you have it fans, the final score is Derk's 6 and Shashy's 2. The winner of the 2010 Lunch Bowl Championship is now and forever: Derk's Filet and Vine!!!!

In closing, we at LITG hope you have enjoyed the 2010 lunch season and our little blog.  We wish all of you the happiest holiday season.  Stay safe! 

Until next year: Stay Hungry Our Friends!

WIB

News from NoClo: There may be a new sheriff in town....

Is that a Spanish question mark?

Your Lunch in the Gump investigative reporting team (yours truly, The Younger and Detective D) visited the NoClo (North Cloverdale) district today and boy have we got some news for you!

NoClo is already the home of Chophouse VY, Derk's Filet and Vine and the Pine Bar Salad Bar with more eateries and/or drinkeries on the way. Here's the straight poop:

First, we know that Derk's Filet and Vine has now opened its ADDITIONAL SEATING AREA which means that instead of sitting next to the lighter fluid and charcoal or standing around looking lost with your tray waiting for a un-bussed table, you can enjoy your meal on the new wooden tables while perusing the fine wine selections in the new presentation room. Today the fried pork chops were the size of boneless pig's knuckles and the veggies superb. I will note the cornbread was warm and they offer unlimited Land O Lakes butter as a condiment. The Younger could not even devour the entire pig knuckle chop it was so huge. The price is a bit over the Tojo line ($10) with drink but Derk's is still one of the best meat and three hot tables en el todo del Gump. Derk's remains a LITG favorite for lunch.

Second, we know that Nancy Patterson Catering, LLC is no longer renting space in North Cloverdale and, in fact, is in a bit of a kerfuffle with the landlord (Atlantic & Pacific Development, LLC) over an alleged "breach of lease" involving a claim of $172,172.58. (See CV 2010-900762). The case is assigned to the Hon. Johnny Hardwick (a Lunch in the Gump fan and Davis Cafe icon). We hope cooler heads will prevail and matters can be settled amicably. The defendant's answer is due in about 30 days.

Third, we know that all of the former Nancy Patterson's Bistro space has now been rented and we have the picture to prove it (see above). We also know, according to high placed sources, that the new restaurant will be opening in September of this year. We believe that date to be somewhere around September 9. We cannot reveal our source for this information.

Now, here is where it gets a little tougher to report. Who is going to fill the space vacated by the Bistro? Inquiring Gumpers want to know! As a public service, your team of reporters fanned out across the Gump to seek those in the know willing to go on the record with the skinny on the new restaurant in "NoClo." We initially heard some tripe about the Hot N Hot Fish Club folks from the 'Ham looking over the space. We also hoped rumors we heard were true that Corsino's would move out of their present dump into the new space. But hoping doesn't make it happen and we, like all good reporters, seek the truth. So, as the mainstream media is so often to do, we sought ought an expert opinion. We found a well-known celebrity full of opinions and who expresses them freely on the radio during Lunch in the Gump. That experience in today's media passes for expertise on all things that relate to lunch. I am, of course, talking of Advertiser and radio talk show host Josh Moon who is an expert on about anything you can think to ask him. So we approached Mr. Moon about the mystery of what restaurant will fill the Bistro Space and got this thoughtful response:

"Everyone is just tired of having American food all the time and with all the negative publicity Arizona has received, it would be plain stupid to put another Italian restaurant or fish club in that space. So, I have it on very good authority from undisclosed sources that the owners have inked a deal with........" (See picture below).

Don Jose Tienda Mexica!

You saw it here first!

Rumor Gumbo in the Gumpo

The Latest Poop:

If you haven't noticed, this is an internet blog run by real people with fake names about things that interest us. We have become the world's most popular and widely read blog specializing in eating lunch within the by-pass of Montgomery, Alabama, a/k/a "The Gump." We did not become the "No. 1 Blog" on Urban Spoon by sticking to the facts like gravy on a biscuit. Occasionally, we simply make stuff up to have fun. We pull legs and pulleybones. We digress. We embellish. We photoshop. We play jokes and we repeat rumors. So, with that warning, here is the latest in the Gump Rumor Gumbo:

Nancy Patterson's: Looks like work in Zelda Place is feverishly proceeding in the old Klein's location on their combination pizza place and fine dining restaurant working out of the same kitchen. Supposedly, the pizza place will be opening by May 1 with the fine dining side coming on line later. Over a billion dollars was spent renovating the place with a grant from the Intermediate Business Administration and a bond issue underwritten by Goldman Sachs. This looks for real. How you work two disparate restaurant themes from the same kitchen is going to be fun to watch. About as fun as watching the cooks yell at each other at Sa-Zas. Of course, after we posted The Advertiser printed their article. Late as usual.

Chappy's Deli--Word on the street is that Chappy's will no longer sell sandwich trays for wakes, funerals or mediations as they want to shake the "Bad News Tray" designation it has earned among wags in the Gump. "Everything in Moderation" they say. Even a Chappy's sandwich tray gets old after about a hundred times in a year--all associated with sadness or pains in the arse. So, if after about a month you get a hankering for another Chappy's tray, don't let on it is for your grann's wake or it will be "No Tray for You!"

Derk's Filet and Vine--As the government creeps into every aspect of our lives, it is about time they required some semblance of order in the way restaurants throw around words like "cantina," "deli," "grille," "cafe," "palace," "pub," "bistro," and "sushi bar." You may or not be glad to learn that the Obama Regime's Health Care Reform has established a new federal agency called the "Restaurant Naming Commission" or RNC to regulate such things for the sake of our health. Unfortunately, our favorite cafeteria style meat and three was discovered to be the only cafeteria in town without "Cafe" in the name. Under duress, Derk is changing the name of his place to Derk's Filet Cafe. It was that or being taxed out of existence. Incidentally, rumor has it that, if you are sick of the ubiquitous Chappy's Sandwich Tray (i.e. the Bad News Tray), Derk's offers a nice alternative at a slightly higher price. Here is what happened to one of their trays today in 10 minutes after someone announced via e-mail: "There is a leftover sandwich tray in conference room 1-E."

Before....

After. (Surprised the tongs survived)

I certainly hope no one was standing in the doorway as the hordes approached.

The AlleyBAR--Don't let this get out, but the owner of the AlleyBAR is seriously considering offering lunch in the near future. They already serve some food in the evening to the hordes of college types while they drink frozen shots in their fake fur coats at 2 a.m.. In fact, if he pulls the trigger on this caper, the Lunch in the Gump has been invited to review the new menu so you will be the first to know. It will be interesting to see if they can compete with the other places currently in the Alley (Sa-Zas and Dreamland) or whether it creates a synergy positive to all concerned. Nice restroom art but may be a little much for the Blue-Hairs from the gun show eating lunch.

Ala-Thai--Now has three locations in the Gump! Who would ever have thought that the little understated Thai place in a seedy old strip mall near the Coliseum and next to a pool hall and laundromat would expand to the "Towne Center" development on Ann Street and out in West Shorter on the Atlanta Highway. Very different from Lek's, the cuisine is lighter and very fresh but nevertheless fine for mild American taste buds. The Shadow Pup declared the meat authentic and no threat to pets, foreign or domestic.

Bama Bistro--Ran into Chef Coratio the other day and he told me the notice sign on the restaurant was about him trying to get a liquor license (on agenda at city council meeting April 20th). The plan to put chairs tables outside and have happy hour: Brisket and Bourbon for all!

With this I leave it to you, the reader, to sort the wheat from the chaff, the butter from the Promise, and the homemade from the mix. Rest assured we will not rest until all is revealed.

Pine Bar - Lunch in the Gump After Hours

What? You think we just eat lunch all the time? Sure, lunch is a great time to take a midday breather, catch up on the local gossip and postulate on which bank will fail next. We sample the Gump's best southern-fried, cooked-in-a-pot-of-grease, artery-clogging slow death, then wash it down with rot-your-teeth sweet tea. The fact that we do this at least weekly (completely without compensation) and then provide reviews free of charge, just adds to the near-utopian quality of life here in the Gump.

But Gumpers are only human (except for Shadow Pup). We have to unwind from the megadeals, mid-air rescues, test flights, brain surgeries and Perry Mason shit we do when we're not screwing off at lunch someplace. So at quitting time we need a drink.

There are some good watering holes here in the Gump and we feel it is our civic duty to visit every single one, and write 'em up here on the blog. So here we go.

Pine Bar is at 501 Cloverdale Road in that slick new upstairs/downstairs new urbanism live/work A&P loft/retail development between Nancy Paterson's Bistro, Village Kitchen, Roux and Derk's Filet & Vine (excellent joints in their own right). The Chop House at the Vintage Year (also excellent) is just a stumble down the block.

As the name connotes, Pine Bar is a bar, not a nightclub. The skilled bartenders know how to mix. You can get real cocktails like an Old-Fashioned or a proper Martini, maybe a Sazerac or a Sidecar. If your cocktail requires fruit juice, it gets fresh-squeezed right in front of you. If you just clipped Milton McGregor for a big jackpot and feel like a Booker's or a MacAllan, they've got 'em and won't stiff you on the pour. If you order a Sex on the Beach or a Screaming Orgasm, you are going to get tossed out on your ass, your fake ID will be gone forever and your parents will be notified.

Pine Bar probably has the biggest beer selection (draft and bottled) in the Gump, including those high gravity, knock-you-on-your-ass beers the legislature lets us drink now. The wine selection is interesting and ever-changing, if you are one of those wine-sippers.

Also, the Pine Bar has great food. Shown below is their signature dish, pretzel balls, and the soon-to-be-famous salad bar, which comes complete with olives, lemons, limes, maraschino cherries and those little onions. So once you wet your parched throat and take the edge off, don't feel like you've got to go hauling ass home for dinner right that second.

You won't go home hungry.

Other particulars? Let's see... The clientele at Pine Bar is about as sophisticated as it gets in the Gump, which isn't very sophisticated. But we still doubt you're going to have to deal with any gunplay among the patrons. You can sit outside or inside, but there's no smoking inside. That's good. The trolleys stop here if you need to get downtown or over to Fairview without getting a DUI. The owner has good taste in music and some big-ass TVs. Prices are reasonable and you get an honest pour.

The Pine Bar is a great stop for a couple of after-work drinks and it's also a handy staging area for dinner at Nancy's, Village Kitchen Roux or the Vintage Year. You can also get primo takeout from Derk's, so you can be a hero when you get home, instead of just that liquorhead who pays the mortgage and forgets anniversaries.

Possibilities abound here in the Gump.

Derk's Filet & Vine

 We non-vegetarian "locals" who can decipher the "fillet" and "vine" codename all know that Derk's is a great place to buy fine wine and steaks in Old Cloverdale (just off Decatur Street). But Derk (who I believe tutored as a butcher under the owner of the old "Penny Profit") has for quite some time offered a buffet lunch counter that contains more entree (meat) selections than any other "meat and three" in the city with a touch more creativity than the usual fried or baked chicken and mystery meat. Yes, at Derk's they will usually have a stuffed pork loin or chicken Marsala or sauteed grouper in addition to the usual suspects. And the vegetable options usually include several casseroles. Only drawback is its popularity among the locals and the lines can be long. Generally speaking, if the line is past the produce section you might try Nancy Patterson's Bistro across the street for a true, sit down, experience. Also, if you become anxious when you cannot know for sure if you are going to be able to sit down when you get your food, Derk's is not the place for you. However, I must admit, when the food is served on the tray there seems to be a place to sit--if you do not mind sitting in the charcoal and lighter fluid section. Seriously, the food is way above average. I would rate it 4 chicken Marsala's. The place is a little pricey--i.e. over 15 shares of Colonial Bank Stock--but if you do not mind eating in the aisle of the grocery department it is worth every "Penny".