After Visit to "Cantina," Tojo Clings to Life

[Ed note: Cantina is kaput. Unfortunately their owner died and we wish his family the very best.  However, Jalapenos has opened in the space and they provide complimentary chips/salsa and fast table service.  Jan. 23, 2013]

So anyway, this morning the GumpPhone lights up and as usual it's the Cornbread Carp. Apparently one of the Guinea Pigs went to the new Cantina Tortilla Grill* in the Alley last week and lived to tell about it, so the Carp (who always gets his way) decreed that the Cantina was cleared for a full review by Lunch in the Gump.

Like so many redneck tragedies that start out "hold my beer and watch this shit," today's LITG review doesn't end well, and something tells me that a particular Guinea Pig, the one they call "Squeak," is going to lose his job over this. Yes, his furry little head is going to roll.

A gentle giant, when properly fed.

Thinking everything was safe, I grabbed my old pal Tojo Yamamoto and set off up Commerce Street to the Alley so we could check out our newest Mex joint. As loyal LITG readers know, Tojo is a man of very few words, and absolutely no articles, conjunctions or linking verbs. Tojo would sooner disembowel himself with a dull samurai sword than utter the words "and" or "the," or use a complete sentence, or speak in anything but the present tense, or refer to himself in the first person. But maybe that's why we all like Tojo so much... he uses his mouth as an insertion point for food and not for blathering on and on about meaningless crap like the rest of us do.

"Tojo hungry," he said. That's about all you're ever going to get out of Tojo.

We made our way past the intimidating pastel pink facade of the Rushton Stakely firm, walking in the middle of the street due to the never-ending sidewalk construction between there and the posh offices of 2WR Architects & Partyboys, LLC. This particular sidewalk project has been going on for so long that many of us downtowners wonder if it isn't really the Outer Loop, or a super-colliding superconductor, or maybe pyramids they're building. But I digress, as always.

Cantina is stylish & tasty, but over
the Tojo Line, pricewise.

Tojo was smiling, bowing to everybody and rubbing his impressive belly in anticipation as we entered the very stylish Cantina. He looked around. He sniffed the aroma. "Tojo like," he said. The Carp, Shadow Pup and Norm Peterson were already there and gave us the protocol. At Cantina, you order at the bar first, then find a seat and they bring your food out to you, pronto.

Tojo pondered the menu and as you might imagine, he was drawn to the category "Big Plates." His eyes narrowed at the $10.95 price tag, somewhat over the Tojo Line, but we all knew what was happening. If you bait a trap with something called "Big Plates" you will catch Tojo every time.

The big man ordered Cilantro Chicken from the "Big Plates" part of the menu. The dish was described as cilantro-marinated chicken breast with roasted corn, poblano peppers and saffron rice. Tojo was all over it. With tea and tax, Tojo's lunch tab came to $13.97, but since it came from the "Big Plates" category, he shrugged and forked over the dough.

About this time we all felt a strange rumbling, and the whole Cantina began to vibrate, as if a freight train was making its way through the Alley. Before the Cantina's patrons could panic, though, Tojo put them at ease. "Tojo miss breakfast, stomach empty," he said. We were relieved there wasn't a seismic event occurring in the Alley, but worried nevertheless because none of us had ever known our large Asian friend to miss a meal under any circumstances. Our boy was really hungry.

Luckily (or so we thought) they got the food out quickly and the gang dug into their excellent tacos, cuban sandwiches, garlic fries and such... but Tojo was crestfallen. Yep, it was a "Big Plate" all right. Big enough that the puny little dab of food on that plate looked like the Hawaiian Islands sitting in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, as seen from the moon.

Visibly distressed, Tojo looked around the Cantina in hopes that a server would bring the rest of his lunch but alas, it was what it was... a scrawny little boneless Paris Hilton chicken breast sitting on top of a couple spoonfuls of rice with a little canned corn and maybe six or seven small bites of bell pepper thrown in.

Running out of options, Tojo had no choice but to immediately ingest the Cilantro Chicken, a process which took maybe ten seconds. But the rumbling didn't subside. Near panic, Tojo ran back to the counter (to the extent Tojo can "run") and ordered chips and salsa. With tax, that was $3.30 more! DIOS MIO!! Three bucks for chips and salsa in a place called "Cantina?" Tojo was out-of-pocket $17.27 and hadn't even replenished the 300 calories he had burned walking his big ass two blocks up Commerce Street to get there in the first place.

Tojo went pale and his eyes rolled back into his head, then he slumped over. The Cantina fell silent, except for the lingering tremors of Tojo's hunger pangs and Shadow Pup's incessant yipping. The paramedics were on the scene in a flash, but damn if they didn't have to call in a second unit because it took two gurneys to get Tojo out of there.

One particularly quick-thinking paramedic ran down the Alley to Saza's and commandeered somebody's Rigatoni Bolognese (the $16 dinner portion, I think) and was force-feeding Tojo as they wheeled him out to the ambulance. Also, one of Jerry Kyser's crew happened by with a refrigerator dolly and helped load him up.

Anyway, Tojo appeared to be coming around when the ambulance pulled away on Commerce Street, narrowly missing a gaggle of Beasley Allen secretaries who were walking in the middle of the street because the sidewalk can't seem to get paved in two year's time. Sheesh, you can put a man on the moon but you can't pave a half block of sidewalk so that legal secretaries don't get run over by paramedics hauling ass to keep a Japanese rassler from starving to death.

Oh, and if anybody has seen "Squeak," tell him he needs to see Bidgood Bob ASAP.

[Ed. Note: 9/1/2011: Today the Cantina served a very nice chicken bisque which went well with the steak tacos.  Fine if you are not someone who needs tons to eat at lunch...like Tojo.]


* Footnote: Seriously, Cantina is a great addition to the Alley. The food was excellent, the decor is as cool as the other side of the pillow, it's fast and they should do a great business once the liquor license comes through. They need to work on portion size relative to price, in our opinion, or maybe it's just the early-stage baby steps. We'll be back... next time for margaritas, drunk-talk and secretary-chasing. 


Also, Tojo is recovering nicely. Luckily, Chris' Hot Dogs, Scott Street Deli and Hamburger King were all on the way to Jackson Hospital and it looks like our boy will be okay. The only problem was Blue Cross, which balked at Tojo's dietary needs... at first.

The Deli at Alley Station and the Laws of Unintended Consequences

A municipal inspector slaps the face of a street fruit vendor in Tunisia and the next thing you know a 23-year dictatorship crumbles leading to further uprisings in the Arab world, the flight of Hosni Mubarak and the impending doom of that tragically comic figure Muammar Gaddafi, recently falsely rumored to have been shot by his own troops. Of course, in between these events Mohamed Bouazizi, a 26-year-old fruit vendor, set himself on fire.  His protagonist, Faida Hamdy, a 45-year-old daughter of a police inspector with an unblemished record, could never have guessed what she started when she slapped Bouazizi for trying to stop her from confiscating the scale he used to weigh his fruit.

What the hell does this have to do with The Deli at Alley Station? Probably nothing. But the thought occurred to me today that we have not had many meetings of the LITG gang since the Alley Deli opened and today, I believe I discovered why:  The opening of a semi-deli downtown has spawned a rash of mastergumption!(It's a word!  If you do not believe me, look in the LITG Glossary). If this rash of calling in take-out orders to eat alone at your desk continues, it could mean the end of the lunch in the gump world as we know it.

I mean, for those of us working downtown in excitement central, especially during good weather, it is just so easy to pick up the phone, dial 263-2922, order a Cuban panini, and then 10-minutes later walk to Alley Station, pay your $6.95 plus tax and walk back to the office to eat in peace while you surf the latest NY Times book reviews (or the latest Charlie Sheen exploits in classy living).  Why I, myself, have done this way too many times since the place opened in early February.  The Reuben, the Grilled Chicken Breast, the Classic Club (one of my favorites); and the Italian are just some of the sandwiches I have ordered in the last month. The Reuben, according to Tojo, is the touchstone of any good sandwich shop, and the Reuben at The Deli passed the Tojo test (even though it isn't really corned beast).  Everything we have had so far has been decent if not really good. No, this is not the Carnegi Deli, but it is a decent deli (with a small-"d") on lower Commerce across from the Big Bronner Hotel and, by the looks of the crowds you see there in the "to go" line for breakfast and lunch, the instance of mastergumption must be hitting epidemic proportions.

Of course, you can eat in the Deli with friends at a table and actually have conversations that make a true lunch experience. But the time and trouble of arranging convenient times and hassling over which place to visit and waiting for the latecomers to show all make eating alone in your office that much more appealing to someone who has just heard about enough of the exploits of that tree poisoning nut, our budget woes, Charlie Sheen, and, (now we come back to the beginning), the unrest in Libya. There, I've tied it all back together and it makes sense...sort of.  Maybe.  A nice new deli opens in February and by June we are all zombies eating lunch alone in our cubicles or something....worse?

New Taco Beer Buffet at AlleyBAR

"OUTRAGEOUS HAPPY HOUR PRICING
$1 domestic beer / $2 well drinks
FREE Appetizers
4 until 8 p.m. EVERY DAY
The season is changing and so is Happy Hour at AlleyBAR !!!! Gone are the dog days of Summer and crisp Autumn afternoons are ahead. Join your friends as our big doors swing wide and the bar and the Alley become one. Enjoy a cold Bud Light, Miller Lite, Mic Ultra, Coors Light, PBR, Yuengling, Bud or High Life at an unbeatable price of one measly Washington and well drinks for only a pair. AND......look for other daily drink specials as well as promotions from the world famous Frozen Shot Room ! Chef Kyle will be serving up tasty appetizers from atop the oaken barrels......on the house ! AlleyBAR is your new HAPPY HOUR destination."

The food bar and last thing I remember.

Got the e-mail above yesterday about 4 p.m.

Just made it back to the trailer on the lushtrolly ...or was it a friend who drove me? Well, nevermind. Managed to get my computer to come on and just had to write about this new happy hour deal at Alley B......urrrrrp (excuse me)......BAR. They have tallboy PB...urrrrpppp...(sorry) Rs for a buck! Served by a tall boy by the way, but a buck! A b....urrrrppppp! (Sorry man) A freakin' buck!

(Where is my wallet?)

And...yes...they have food. Free food. No incredihorrible stuff but wraps and things like that. Cheese. You know, things girls like to eat when they are on a diet. I like cheese.

Sooo....(where is my cellphone?)...I think you should go... there. Ride the drunk trolly from Old Gumperdale, mingle. Go after work, if you have a job, and (excuse me).....

(What happened to that twenty I put in my pocket?)

I'm not feeling soo good. I feel fantastishitty. Anyone got any aspirinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[Ed. Note: The blog trailed off at this point and we can only guess that it represents the Carp's head on the keyboard. We edited-out the thousands of lines of "n" that followed.]

Rumor Gumbo in the Gumpo

The Latest Poop:

If you haven't noticed, this is an internet blog run by real people with fake names about things that interest us. We have become the world's most popular and widely read blog specializing in eating lunch within the by-pass of Montgomery, Alabama, a/k/a "The Gump." We did not become the "No. 1 Blog" on Urban Spoon by sticking to the facts like gravy on a biscuit. Occasionally, we simply make stuff up to have fun. We pull legs and pulleybones. We digress. We embellish. We photoshop. We play jokes and we repeat rumors. So, with that warning, here is the latest in the Gump Rumor Gumbo:

Nancy Patterson's: Looks like work in Zelda Place is feverishly proceeding in the old Klein's location on their combination pizza place and fine dining restaurant working out of the same kitchen. Supposedly, the pizza place will be opening by May 1 with the fine dining side coming on line later. Over a billion dollars was spent renovating the place with a grant from the Intermediate Business Administration and a bond issue underwritten by Goldman Sachs. This looks for real. How you work two disparate restaurant themes from the same kitchen is going to be fun to watch. About as fun as watching the cooks yell at each other at Sa-Zas. Of course, after we posted The Advertiser printed their article. Late as usual.

Chappy's Deli--Word on the street is that Chappy's will no longer sell sandwich trays for wakes, funerals or mediations as they want to shake the "Bad News Tray" designation it has earned among wags in the Gump. "Everything in Moderation" they say. Even a Chappy's sandwich tray gets old after about a hundred times in a year--all associated with sadness or pains in the arse. So, if after about a month you get a hankering for another Chappy's tray, don't let on it is for your grann's wake or it will be "No Tray for You!"

Derk's Filet and Vine--As the government creeps into every aspect of our lives, it is about time they required some semblance of order in the way restaurants throw around words like "cantina," "deli," "grille," "cafe," "palace," "pub," "bistro," and "sushi bar." You may or not be glad to learn that the Obama Regime's Health Care Reform has established a new federal agency called the "Restaurant Naming Commission" or RNC to regulate such things for the sake of our health. Unfortunately, our favorite cafeteria style meat and three was discovered to be the only cafeteria in town without "Cafe" in the name. Under duress, Derk is changing the name of his place to Derk's Filet Cafe. It was that or being taxed out of existence. Incidentally, rumor has it that, if you are sick of the ubiquitous Chappy's Sandwich Tray (i.e. the Bad News Tray), Derk's offers a nice alternative at a slightly higher price. Here is what happened to one of their trays today in 10 minutes after someone announced via e-mail: "There is a leftover sandwich tray in conference room 1-E."

Before....

After. (Surprised the tongs survived)

I certainly hope no one was standing in the doorway as the hordes approached.

The AlleyBAR--Don't let this get out, but the owner of the AlleyBAR is seriously considering offering lunch in the near future. They already serve some food in the evening to the hordes of college types while they drink frozen shots in their fake fur coats at 2 a.m.. In fact, if he pulls the trigger on this caper, the Lunch in the Gump has been invited to review the new menu so you will be the first to know. It will be interesting to see if they can compete with the other places currently in the Alley (Sa-Zas and Dreamland) or whether it creates a synergy positive to all concerned. Nice restroom art but may be a little much for the Blue-Hairs from the gun show eating lunch.

Ala-Thai--Now has three locations in the Gump! Who would ever have thought that the little understated Thai place in a seedy old strip mall near the Coliseum and next to a pool hall and laundromat would expand to the "Towne Center" development on Ann Street and out in West Shorter on the Atlanta Highway. Very different from Lek's, the cuisine is lighter and very fresh but nevertheless fine for mild American taste buds. The Shadow Pup declared the meat authentic and no threat to pets, foreign or domestic.

Bama Bistro--Ran into Chef Coratio the other day and he told me the notice sign on the restaurant was about him trying to get a liquor license (on agenda at city council meeting April 20th). The plan to put chairs tables outside and have happy hour: Brisket and Bourbon for all!

With this I leave it to you, the reader, to sort the wheat from the chaff, the butter from the Promise, and the homemade from the mix. Rest assured we will not rest until all is revealed.

Shut the Carp Up! Sa Za's Tattoo Parlor Gets Raided...er... Rated by B-Diddy and the Pup!

There are already two reviews of this place on Sup In The Gump: A preliminary review from the first night Sa Za's opened in October and a more recent review from Dec. 6, but the idea of following links on a blog is obviously foreign to the Cornbread Carp of the Trailer Park, so let B-Diddy and I satisfy his/her recent challenge by providing semi-witty reviews:

The Shadow Pup's Take:

No, they do not serve cornbread! This is NOT a meat and three. There is not even any fried chicken for the local trailer park trash! (Excuse me, I mean "manufactured housing dwellers.") At 130-A Commerce (across from Renaissance and in The Alley) it's "serious" Italian food with real garlic, olive oil, meatballs and pasta all served by people adorned with "serious" tattoos no doubt all over their wormy bodies. (Erase mental picture and move on....).

Some important tips from the Pup: First, unless you have large cahones do NOT even try to order the Calzones on the lunch menu 'cause there A'INT ANY! Why? Because they are "too much trouble" according to Joe DiMaggio, Jr.--the guy in the NY Yankees hat at the counter and co-owner of the place. [Yes, he is a distant relation to "The Yankee Clipper"] And--although sitting at the Chef's Counter is a treat--do NOT ask Joe: "What do you recommend?" because he will most likely retort, honestly, "Since I do not know you I do not have a clue what to recommend for you to eat." (He is, after all, a New Yorker). Do NOT be offended when he hands you your tab with the statement: "Now let me rip you off." Finally, do NOT ask him about all the tattoos on his body or why he likes to hire staff with tattoos. That's a story you do NOT really want to know....

Notice just the hint of tat on the right "gun."

Actually, DiMaggio has spent a lot of time working Italian restaurants boy and man. And here I mean Italian restaurants in Italy--which is the home of Italian food I think. DiMaggio is a key-man for this place to be a success. He has also written a pretty good blog post about running restaurants that is funny and informative. It concerns me a little that he has also been named chef at restaurant in White Plains NY as of 2/16/2009. When he leaves Sa Zas' in the Gump, things could suffer. But keep in mind that Ken Register (Olive Room and Down the Street) is an owner so once Joe D gets them square, it should continue to be a quality place. So far, however, Joe-D has been in the kitchen every time I have eaten there. With him in charge the food is authentic and--for that reason--different from other Italian restaurants in the Gump. Take, for example, the use of marinara with extra virgin olive oil, chilies, reggiano cheese, fresh herbs and Sa Za GARLIC sticks for dipping. The stuffed hot peppers are truly a choice treat, with a blend of three meats, carrots, onion, fresh mozzarella, and cognac, all stuffed into Anaheim chilies, slow roasted and topped with more fresh mozzarella. Shipped in from Jersey are traditional pastas with such as angel hair served with Maine lobster meat, chopped shrimp and spinach in a chardonnay, exploded garlic and olive oil sauce. Another favorite pasta is the rigatoni Bolognese, a rich sauce made from carrots, celery, onion, veal, beef, pork, and cognac, then roasted for five hours before they hit it with cream, Carmelina's san marzano tomatoes and tossed with fresh herbs and rigatonis. Your Shadow Pup does not understand all this but likes the way it tastes. I do understand and like Pizza and it is very good at Sa Zas.

Joe-D doesn't wear a baseball hat or show his "tats" when with his "peeps" like Tony B.

That having been said, let's get down to the "serious" Italian food. I would say I have eaten at Sa Za's 7-8 times already and not once have I had a bad experience with the food. And, because I am such a loner like "sad girl," I never have to wait to get a seat at the Chef's Counter where I can pretend to know all the other loners sitting up there. However, if you are in a hurry and want a table for 6 you better gird for a wait because the place is still packed during normal lunch hours. The upside of this little problem is that it is packed because the food is way above average and, if you order smart, can be reasonably priced. One way to order smart is to get pizza by the slice during lunch or to order one of the "chopped" salads with smashed chicken. About $8 each and not too much food. Now the "meatball" sandwich is also a favorite in that category but is so large no one but--maybe Tojo--could eat the whole thing at one sitting.

Today, yours truly was joined by B-Diddy and B-Mack as we hoofed it in for lunch. The place is open for lunch 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. M-F. At 12 noon the place was packed. "Zeke" (the runaway "Buds" doorman) was there in his natty glasses and tats. There were no seats at the bar or Chef's Table and there was a large group of fatigue-clad Maxwell Country Club Members waiting in the lounge. After a 10-minute wait, however, three spots opened up at the bar (which is on the far side of the restaurant from the kitchen) and we bellied up where we were waited up by Jennifer the barmaid. B-Diddy ordered the stuffed peppers ($8) and B-Mack ordered pizza slices ($3 a pop). I ordered the sausage, onions and peppers sandwich ($9). It took a while so I popped another Valium and enjoyed the company and watched the flat screens. (Looks like Tiger/Cheetah's marriage is toast. The model is no longer wearing her wedding ring. She'll survive, just like we would survive the wait. But I, like Tojo, digress).

B-Diddy's dish looked really good but see his review below for the details. I have had the stuffed peppers before and they were good appetizers. My sandwich, however, was way too big and had no sauce at all on it. I mean, when they say sausage, peppers and onions they mean those things only. Why, I am lucky I got the bread. The bread is good but something was needed to hold the middle parts together. This did not stop me from eating every morsel, I should add. Couldn't tell if B-Mak liked her pizza or not. Regardless, the service was decent given the crowd and the fact that Jennifer had to fill all drink orders for bar patrons and the floor. (By the way, someone was hitting the wine bottle pretty hard. Hope it wasn't the Maxwell crowd or, if so, they aren't going to be on the trigger anytime this afternoon).

So take this, Cornbread Carp of the Trailer Park, with "Joltattin' Joe" at the helm Sa a's is really all it has been cracked up to be. You should make the effort to go and take your Valium for the wait like a normal person. Your humble pup would rate the place the best Italian restaurant in the Gump, or even in West Shorter and the land beyond the by-pass. At least, until Joe-D and Ken Register depart--which I hope is not soon--I rate Sa Za's at three of four paw prints (That's all I have). See B-Diddy's similar take below....

Bodiddly's Take:
Being the rabid Yankee fan I am, though he claims to be a distant cousin (here in Alabama you don’t get distant to a cousin unless it’s the 5th down the line), there is no way to convince me the proprietor of Sa Za’s, Joe Dimaggio, Jr., is related to THE Joe Dimaggio. But “Chef”, as he likes to be called, has hit a homerun with the food in the restaurant.

To digress a bit, while I enjoy the “banter” of a New Yorker and can “bust the chops” with the best of them, I must defend others who have gone to Sa Za’s and found “Chef” unaccommodating, rude and downright nasty (you can do this in New York where your customer base is 20 million, but in the Gump, say something to the wrong person(s) and you can find yourself out of the restaurant business fast---note the term “word of mouth”).

Back to the story, if you can, you need to ask to sit at the bar area where the food is prepared. “Chef” patrols the area and enjoys telling you how great he is, how great the food is and why you ought to be thankful he even let you come to his restaurant to eat. That aside, he is entertaining, makes helpful suggestions and will indulge you with stories about “his momma’s” recipes. But ask him how many homeruns his “cuz” hit, he has no idea.

Most of my eating at Sa Za’s has been done during lunch, but on occasion I have traveled with the Mrs. to partake of the “serious Italian food” and the draft Peroni and Chianti. When I sat down today at the bar-the real bar and not the one which Chef parades around-something kept sticking in my mind about the Gumpsters visit to the Green Papaya and the fact I couldn’t join Tojo and friends to celebrate his “coming out” of his hunger strike. Sticking with the mental thought of quantities of food and spiciness, I order the stuffed hot peppers and 2 glasses of water (I’m a big spender and why not go for the gusto and get 2 glasses instead of one). While the word “hot” has many different connotations to palates, to mine, it better mean my brow starts sweating when I smell the aroma. While this was not “hot” by my standards, it had a “kick” to it and the meat stuffing was really great. It is not one of the larger portions on the menu (try eating a sandwich in one sitting and you’ll see what I mean). With tax and tip, it was 11.00, so it fell close to the Gumpster Guidelines. I’d give it a three run homer by Dimaggio standards. Chef says it was at least a grand slam, but who listens to him anyway.