Begging your pardon, but we do not take Mardi Gras very seriously in this here Gump. Down in Mobile and NOLA they have been on holiday for almost a week with nothing getting done from the standpoint of serious business which is slightly less than what normally is accomplished there. Let them continue to take perverse pride in making a mockery of themselves, the solemn approach of the season of Lent and fine neckware. We concede their long tradition of excess and debauchery regardless of which city truly originated copying "Carnivale" in the Northern hemisphere. They win at Mardi Gras celebrations preceding Lent. We give them that. Good for them.
We here in the Gump, however, have perfected an approach to surviving the Lenten season which has no equal among mid-major markets. Here in the Gump we observe the "Montgomery Rules" of Lent. Rather than give up frivolous things like chocolate, candy, popcorn or poker, those observing the "Montgomery Rules" give up something that Whiskapalians hold dear to our livers a/k/a "The Devil's Brew of John Barleycorn." For those of you in Wetumpka, that would be alcohol. For those of you in Tallassee, that would be beer, wine, whiskey and moonshine. To our friends on Fairview, that'll be drank.
Yes, despite the positive effects of the "Oil of Conversation" which can turn a comely but affable lass into a bombshell and a boorish fool into a self-proclaimed genius, true Gumpers choose to shun alcoholic beverages during the forty dark and dry days of lent which begins tonight at midnight and runs through April 8th. An eternity for a serious drinking man or woman but, more importantly, a true sacrifice to remind us of the reason for Lent.
During this time there will be Spring Training baseball games, the opening day of Biscuits Baseball, new fine restaurants to visit (such as
Central) and at least six Friday happy hours at The Pine or Alley Bars where almost interesting people will gather to enjoy adult beverages while those observing the Montgomery Rules of Lent will sulk away, alone, to try to engage their better half in a game of Canasta or, worse yet, clear-headed conversation.
But there is hope in even a strict adherence to the Montgomery Rules of Lent. Established back in the dark past when the Enchanta missionaries tamed the natives on the shores of the Alabama River where the Renaissance now stands, the Montgomery Rules have helped many a flawed soul survive the 40 days of Lent giving up alcohol being the principal penance. For those of you unaware of this time-honored tradition, I will enlighten you as to the rules of the Montgomery Rules of Lent. They are fiendishly simple:
During Lent one must not touch a drop of alcohol for 40 days...except as follows:
1. During Sunday.
2. While outside the City Limits of the Gump
i.e. at Lake Martin or the Beach or on business travel.
The origin for Rule 1 is simple. One takes communion during Lent and at most respectable churches, real wine is used for communion in conformance with the scripture. Accordingly, it is reasoned that on that day, on Sundays with communion, one can enjoy a tot or two or twelve to brace oneself for the next six days of abstinence. There is also the argument that Sundays are excluded from the 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter (so that the actual number of days can exceed 40). Many theologians ascribe to this view of Rule 1. Pardon me but I may have been being caned by the Sisters when this subject was being discussed in school.
The origin for Rule 2 is shrouded in the murky dark of stark murkiness. No one claims to be or know the source: Beach or Lake or Business travel. But it is oft said during the first boat rides of April, when the sun is warming and the water is rising at Lake Martin, that enjoying a beer is not a repudiation of Lenten vows but rather a recognized exception which has become known as Montgomery Rule No. 2. Granted, frequent visitors to the Beach and Lake may reduce the total number of days of abstinence by a dozen or more during lent but, as with so much we see from our political friends, its the thought that counts. And, you will have to admit that it makes a heck of a lot more sense than hiding the eggs of a Bunny to celebrate Easter.
At least two of us will endeavor to complete the mission and will be keeping you updated with our successes or foibles. Reginald and I will report on almost a daily basis. Come back for more content as we progress.
So join us, literally or figuratively, in our observance of the Montgomery Rules....of Lent in the Gump.
We hope we are better off by April.
Cheers!
First Week of Lent:
Wahoo's Grill, Friday Night:
Although outside the city limits I chose to try the
Wahoo's Grill near Lake Martin without the aid of wine or whiskey. After all, my date assured me that she had visited this place a few months earlier and had enjoyed delicious barbecued shrimp. Also, when I called for reservations, I was informed that they only accepted them on Friday nights between 4 p.m. and 6 p.m. because after then, all hell broke loose and it was every man for themselves. Accordingly, I was secure in the thought that I was in store for a decent seafood feast. Boy was I mistaken.
I should have noticed that the menu provided no ability to order wahoo, grouper, snapper or other variety of gulf seafood. I should also have noticed that the "Catch of the Day" involved chicken gumbo.
Nevertheless, tempted by a "Special" described as chicken gumbo, cornbread and fried shrimp, I bit...hook, line and bobber. Unfortunately, I decided to forgo my own fortification as did my lovely escort who ordered the aforementioned barbecued variety of shrimp.
So it was I, stone cold sober, who (after what was too long a wait) was presented a bowl of what can only be described as "soup" surrounded by about five lightly breaded fried shrimp and a square of lukewarm, corncake. The "soup" consisted of a tasteless concoction of onions, green peppers (not okra) and a few shapeless gray globs of egg-drop soup-like tofu bits that I can only presume were supposed to be the ingredient represented to be chicken.
Who ever said that alcohol increased the enjoyment of food must have eaten at the Wahoo Grill--or some semblance of such a place. Without the assistance of a glass of even a cheap chardonnay, I was left to experience the full and vast waste of protein that comprised my "Seafood Special."
In all fairness, the pre-made and almost frozen salad was edible and the fried shrimp was decent--if not meager in size and quantity. And my date did recommend the sauce for the barbecued shrimp while decrying the fact that the garlic toast was missing. However, the meal--although reasonably priced, left such a bad taste in my mouth that I had to stop by "Nails" on the way home to obtain a "Blue Bell" ice cream bar to neutralize the bland taste lingering in my palate.
When we paid at the Wahoo's Grill I was presented with a coupon that said that after another 11 meals I would be entitled to one free. While I desperately want to see more choices up at Lake Martin, unfortunately I must report that the Wahoo's Grill needs to get their act together if they expect this old Irishman to return anytime soon. If you want my coupon, you are welcome to it.
Saturday Lunch: Sinclair's at Kowliga:
 |
| That's poor old Kowliga in the glass box on the front porch. |
After a morning of clearing brush and other types of honest labor, I enticed my date for a lunch at "ole-reliable" at Sinclair's at Kowliga overlooking beautiful Lake Martin. I have enjoyed many a decent meal there but, honestly, all involved large quantities of beer or whiskey either before, during or after, as well as the company of the heiress or one of my other previous female entanglements.
It was a beautiful clear and cold day at Lake Martin. A few brave souls were boating on the lake despite the wind. Again, I kept my vow to avoid alcohol during Lent. No ice cold Bud Lite or vodka and water for me as I ordered the shrimp po'boy available only during lunch on Friday through Sunday. Hopeful for a good meal but wary of a mediocre one, I poured the remoulade sauce upon the shrimp and folded over the hoagie into the eating position.
Damn! The hoagie was stale. Damn, damn, damn.
Perhaps a heavy dose of vodka would have masked the inadequacies of the meal I was presented. But, alas, I had not chosen that path. All I was left to deal with was what was there before me on the plate overlooking a beautiful lake panorama. And it was not great, not good, but very average. Very average.
As we left, unimpressed, we saw the throng of bikers pile in for their reward for a short trip from some city over winding roads in fairly cold weather. They were happy. They were ordering a round of ice cold beer.
We left, unfulfilled.
However, unlike the Wahoo Grill, we will return. Because we know that as the weather improves and the lake fills, the quality of Kowliga at Lake Martin improves. There is a rule in the restaurant business that goes like this: With quantify there is quality. High turnover means better food quality. Of course, I am positing that McDonald's should have high quality. That is not what I am saying. I am saying that McDonald's has fresher food than a local restaurant with low turnover that does not rotate its stock religiously. Perhaps, that is the only problem at Kowliga this Saturday at lunch. I sincerely hope that was the case.
In any event, we headed back to the Gump for some decent food.
Saturday Night: Michael's Table:
 |
| I could look but could not touch.... |
My current date and I invited some friends to join us for dinner back in the Gump. We tried getting reservations at the new Central, but saw the earliest available seating was at 9 p.m. Way too late for experienced diners of our age. Therefore, we chose a steady purveyor of fine food:
Michael's Table in Z-Red. We were able to obtain reservation for 7:15 p.m. and found our
old-favorite well-attended but not crowded. Although some of the specials were already exhausted, our waiter was very knowledgeable and helpful. My companions chose from the very reasonably priced by the glass wine list while I held to my Lenten promise secure that good food would triumph over the absence of wine.
I was not disappointed. I ordered the wedge salad. I would argue that Michael's Table has the best around, if not anywhere else. Do not be concerned that it comes with a dressing that appears to be Thousand Island. It is actually a very fine blue cheese with some sort of mix that compliments the normally lighter dressing color you would be expecting.
 |
| The delicious jager schnitzel saves the week! |
As an entree I went with a dish I had enjoyed previously: The Jager Schnitzel. Outstanding! For $18 it is a fine dining experience regardless of your culinary persuasion. Even without the aid vino it was primo. My belief in fine dining was renewed. You do not, after all, have to imbibe a delicious wine to enjoy a well-crafted meal. There is hope for me yet.
