Eastbrook Cafe Raided by Riley's Stormtroopers

“They seized our pulleybones!”

The following is a true account of events that transpired last week. I was part of a three-man recon mission sent in by Lunch in the Gump to gather intelligence on a little-known Coliseum Boulevard eatery known as Eastbrook Café. A number of sources had told us the place serves up a solid meat & three at a decent price, offers catering, is well-maintained, has meeting facilities and provides a living for its owners and jobs for a small staff. In short, the American Dream.

This place wouldn’t ordinarily merit LITG interest, but a confidential informant had told us that Eastbrook Café is in a building once occupied by Pinson’s, the old-school fried chicken joint best known for its scruffy décor and great pulleybones. The deep-cover source hinted that Eastbrook had the top-secret Pinson’s formula and was, in fact, serving up the best pulleybones in the Gump, right under our noses.

The A-Team was sent in -- Chase N. Allpots, Esq. (MI-6, SAS, S.N.O.B.), Tojo Yamamoto (big fat Ninja), and me, Bidgood Bob (watched every episode of Charlie’s Angels, at least until Shelley Hack came on board). The mission? A quick in and out to get the down and dirty on these pulleybones. Or so we thought.

We followed normal LITG protocol for a stealth approach. Safely inside and presumably undetected, we found the pulleybones to be really good. We gave them a high yardbird rating of “FTOHJ-NTG-3” (fried to order, hot, juicy, not too greasy, 3 pieces). Allpots noted for Cornbread Carp’s benefit that the cornbread was warm, although not piping hot. The vegetables were nothing special but it’s February and we’re giving everybody a pass on their vegetables until at least late March. The chicken was damn good, the staff pleasant and it looked like we were going to get out of there for about 11 bucks a head, including tip.

We decided to gamble a little and use the “pulleybone method” to decide who was going to pick up the check. Mind you, on your Thanksgiving turkey this bone is called the “wishbone” and it is used like birthday candles -- for making wishes that never come true. But as anybody from down South knows, the wishbone’s chicken counterpart is known as a pulleybone and it is used as a fair way to decide outcomes, like odd-manning, rolling dice or cutting high card.

With a pulleybone, two combatants pull and the loser is the one with the short end. So anyway, I had a good pull against Allpots, who then pulled the long end against Tojo, leaving our king-sized Japanese friend holding the check.

All hell breaks loose

About this time the front door and the fire exit burst open and in poured about a hundred state troopers, guns drawn, telling us to back away from the pulleybones. Oh, there was plenty of media there, too. TV cameras and microphones everywhere. We were trapped and apparently caught red-handed, Allpots standing there with the long end and Tojo shamefully holding his pitiful little nub of a short end. Our extensive escape and evasion training was useless. Even I knew there was no way out, and I am one of the best dine-and-dash men ever.

Gov. Riley strolled in with his world-class pompadour haircut and his smirking henchman, John Tyson, just about the time the troopers marched the staff out of the kitchen at gunpoint, followed by some kind of CSI geek with a zip-loc full of chicken parts. Tyson checked the bag.

“Pulleybones, Guvnah,” Tyson said, “Must be more’n a dozen of ‘em. Fresh, too.”

Riley peered into the bag. “Well, well, well,” he said. “Looks like we got us some illegal gamblin’ chicken here.”

The Guv let Tyson do the honors. He walked over to the nice lady who owned the joint. “Ma’am, by the power vested in me by the Guvnah I am hereby seizing these illegal chicken parts and placing you under arrest.” A trooper slapped the cuffs on her.

Riley pointed at the distraught cooks and waitresses and said, “All of you ladies are out of work now. Go on home and starve to death, but don’t you dare become thieves or prostitutes to feed your babies, or I’ll be back for you!”

Allpots, who counts a law degree among his innumerable credentials, piped in, “See here, sir! I do believe you need a search warrant for these shenanigans.”

“Search warrant my butt,” replied Tyson, “Look at you, with the long end of a pulleybone right there in your hand, telling me about search warrants. Arrest this man!” he commanded.

Then Tyson made a grave error, kind of like poking a hornet’s nest with a stick to see what would happen. He pointed at Tojo, who was still holding the incriminating short end of the pulleybone and the lunch check. “Gambling with illegal pulleybones, huh? Arrest the Jap, too.”

Tojo’s eyes narrowed. He looked slowly to his left, then right, then in a single blinding motion, ripped off his “bidnessman” disguise, leaped into the air to kick off his shoes, landing barefoot in his signature red kimono and black judo britches. Before you could say “banzai,” Tojo slapped a double stomach claw on Tyson’s midsection. At once a hundred pistols were pointed at Tojo’s head while Tyson cried like Tim Tebow.

In the same instant, Allpots leapt behind the Gov and pressed the needle-sharp point of his pulleybone (the long end) against the poofy part of Riley’s hairdo. “Nobody move,” said Allpots, “or I muss the Pompadour.”

Tojo tightened his grasp on either side of Tyson’s ribcage. “Troopers drop weapons and leave, or else,” he said as Tyson whimpered.

“Or else what?” asked the head trooper, with a bag of excellent, nearly boneless white meat in one hand and a cocked .357 in the other.

“Or else Tojo make wish.”

The standoff was so Mexican you would have thought we were in El Cantaro fighting over the last green enchilada. Tojo squeezed Tyson. Riley said a prayer for the Pompadour. Allpots brandished the long end. The troopers held their ground.

Riley gave the order. “Shoot,” he said. “Take ‘em out!”

“No,” pleaded Tyson, “The Jap might make a wish!”

Nothing happened. Not a single trooper pulled the trigger.

“What are you waiting for?” screamed Riley.

The head trooper lowered his hand cannon and offered the bag of chicken parts back to the cook. “Guvnah,” he said, “If these boys can’t snap a pulleybone to decide who pays the lunch check, well, they’re just gonna play credit card roulette or go rock, paper, scissors for it. Killin’ these fellas and seizin’ these pulleybones ain’t gonna solve anything.” He turned to face the troopers. “Boys, let’s get out of here and leave these folks alone.”

The troopers began to file out. The owner was uncuffed. Allpots dropped the long end and gave the Guv a light skob on the knob. The Pompadour didn’t budge. It appeared the trouble was over and peace once again abided in the Gump.

Then all eyes turned to Tojo, who still had a firm grip under both sides of Tyson’s ribcage. Tojo looked confused for a moment, then a little grin appeared. Tojo flexed his arms apart just a little and we all heard the resounding crack of a busted rib. Tojo dropped a sobbing Tyson to the floor.

“Tojo wish for world peace,” he said.

In this photo, Guv Riley and Chief Pascagoula seal the deal that will send

Alabamians scurrying to Mississippi for their pulleybones

Originally Posted on http://www.lunchinthegump.com/

USA Wins Gump Gold!

Tommie Smith and John Carlos protest the closing of Victoryland while on the podium for Cookma's and Davis Cafe. The Aussie from "Outback" has no clue.

This has been an historic Olympic Winter Games for the U.S.A. Record medal counts: speed skating, hockey, nordic, snowboarding, downhill...errr.....ice dancing? Interesting sports: Curling (bowling on ice) and Ski X (greyhounds on snow). New heros: Ohno; Bode, Vonn, White, Mancuso, McGregor ...er...that 6'6" guy with a tub of mousse and black tights with the sequin snake around his neck.... Annywaaay, we had our own competition here in the Gump: The Gump Olympics Roman Numeral I.

It all started 1000 years ago at the shores of Lake Martin when the Gumpawhoo tribe was trapped on the shores at Kow-Liga by the fanatic Spartawa Tribe. It was then that Chief Hankipoo bade young brave Williamasa to send word to the home settlement at Towassa (now the Gump). After running the 26.21875 miles from Kow-Liga to Towassa (and swimming across the Alabama River) young Williamasa gave the news of the battle and collapsed of exhaustion and died at the site of what is now The Hank Williams Museum. The cause of death was actually food poisoning.  Hence the birth of the modern "Tri-Assalon" and modern-day health inspection. It was therefore appropriate that we descendants of the Gumpawhoos and current casino magnates should share our tragic history of restaurant reviews and "BINGO" largesse by handing out solid gold medals to celebrate the cuisines of the world as interpreted by Gump chefs and souse chefs.

It was a close competition for a few hours but it did not take long for "whitey" to take over just like they took all our land in exchange for the right to get even by operating casinos on the useless land they left us. Actually, it wasn't as fair a fight as Horseshoe Bend: There are 100 "American" restaurants in the Metro-Gump area which may or may not include 42 "barbecue" joints, 35 "seafood" places, 28 "southern & soul" restaurants, 19 "steakhouses", 81 "sandwhich/subs" houses; and three donut holes. The next highest "ethnic" cuisines are in this order: Mexican (47); Chinese (34); Italian (11); Japanese (7); Thai (5) and Indian (1)(Guess what it is named...). So actually, it should be no surprise that the final Medal Count was:

U.S.A.: 8

Mexico: 2

Thailand: 2

Italy: 1

India: 1

The big disappointments were the Red Chinese with ZERO hardware out of 34 entrants. When you compare the India 100% medal haul, someone ought to be guarding the border over there in case heads are going to egg roll.

Some of the memorable events included Hamburger King's Gold in the Burger luge and Scott Street Deli's Gold in the Nerf Sandwhich Throw. We were also proud of Cookma's Gold and the Davis Cafe's Silver in the Soul Food Relay. [See photo and links above]  But we Gumpawhoos are partial to our cousins in the real India and we were blown away by the Goat Roping Silver Medal secured by India Palace.

Maybe in four years when the Chinese own everything but our casinos will they be able to compete in the 2014 re-match. By then we may all be speaking Mandarin Chicken.

Originally posted on http://www.lunchinthegump.com/

Lunch off the Bench: Reggie's Place

There is a little known but friendly little lunch group which meets once a month at 1 Church Street in New Philadelphia (Old Gumptown) at "Reggie's Place."  It may be the safest place to eat in the Gump. It is one of those exclusive "invite only" eateries where you have to show picture I.D. and traipse through a metal detector to gain access under the watchful eye of uniformed bouncers.  You even can bring your own "brown bag" lunch: not cool!  However, if you are fortunate to be invited, the decour is impressive, the conversation is interesting and, I have to add, after some discussion about how the court system works, included a shameless plug for your favorite www.lunchinthegump.com. Whoo hoo LITG!

Actually, in the basement of One Church there is a pretty good little eatery where you can get really good juror food.  Juror food is what you eat when you are under court order to decide a dispute among the government and some "falsely accused" defendant and you do not have enough time to visit Hamburger King to get your grease quota.  Some of the Gump's jurists find the crunchy egg rolls and noodles to be a nice diversion from listening to lawyers drone on and on about whether their clients were or were not aware of the obvious. Prices are pretty reasonable too, since the captive audience of "Feddies" ("Statey's who work for the Federal Gov't" and indentured jurors) is pretty savvy about the price of tea in China and not afraid to pack their own lunches if the prices rise above market.  I highly recommend non-counterfeit cash because currency experts abound.

Yours truly, being an esquire from Dublin, was recently invited to lunch at "Reggie's Place" with some of the Gump's federal i.e. non-Statey jurists and members of the bar seeking audience with the same.  Now, when I say members of the bar I may or may not be referring to card carrying (the former) Kat N Harri's regulars or members of the Federal Bar Association.  Take your pick.  Pip pip.

I know this: Judges always tell funny jokes, judging by the responses of esquires. And the food at "Reggie's Place," while it may be brought in a sack, tastes awfully good while you sit among jurists who seem like regular people in person.  So, if you have the opportunity to visit the exclusive "Reggie's" for a sack lunch I suggest you take the opportunity to rub elbows with folks who are dealing, on a day to day basis, with those who might take your lunch if given half a chance.  Remember, you will probably need a picture I.D., your own sack lunch and beverage.  The cost to enter: free.  My rating: Depending on your choice of sack lunch and assuming it did not come from Chappy's: variable.

Cheerio.

CNA, MP, Esq.

Originally posted on http://www.lunchinthegump.com/

New Poll: Gump Winter Olympics Medal Count

There is something going on in the Great White North relating to snow and ice.

Here in the Gump be sure to vote for for the presumed Country of origin for your favorite Gump "cuisine" in a new poll posted on LITG today! I am P.O.ed they did not list my favorite: Japan! Such is life in the Gump. Poll closes in 2/22/MMX.

Example 1: BBMAK likes goat curry at India Palace she should vote, duh, for INDIA!

Example 2: Fat Clemenza likes lasagna at Corsinos, he should vote for Sicily...er ITALY!

Example 3: Tojo like Green Papaya fried rice, vote THAILAND!

Example 4: Cornbread Carp likes Martins cornbread, he, she or it votes: USA!

Example 5: Burned-out "Statey" likes Tokyo MSG but since Tokyo serves nothing like Japanese food and, like the Shiba Inu in me, must choose some country other than Japan, vote CHINA!

Example 6: Show Dog likes the Chile Poblano with the head on at La Zona Rosa, he votes: MEXICO!

Get it?

Follow the only medal count that counts here on LITG. May the best Gump cuisine win!

SP

Originally posted at http://www.lunchinthegump.com/

Brunch in the Gump at Sinclair's in Old Gumperdale

In 1992 a successful group of businessmen, not unlike myself, took what at one time was a Sinclair gas station and started a "bistro" restaurant at 1051 E. Fairview called Sinclair's. As one brought to the gump from abroad at the tender age of five years, I have vague but happy memories of riding my bicycle down to 10-cent Saturday matinees at the Capri and filling my tires with air at the Sinclair station.

The movies and summer days at Cloverdale Community Center under the watchful eye and "board" of Coach Sellers taught me the ways of the South in the late 50s and early 60s in a place that was, from the standpoint of a crew-cut young chap with a funny accent, an idyllic place to grow up. Saturday's were particularly magical times when you could get on your trusty bike in the morning, with baseball cards clothes-pinned to your spokes and a small sack lunch in hand and spend all of the long summer day jumping on trampolines (without nets); boxing with oversize gloves, playing whiffle-ball and basketball in the gym and Stratego and other board games while you listed to "Paperback Writer" on the juke box. All which brings me to the present with a similarly satisfying Saturday Brunch down memory lane in cozy Sinclairs in Old Cloverdale.

This Saturday, while the Global Warming snow melted away, I popped into Sinclairs during their "Weekend Brunch" window (11 a.m. to 2:30 p.m.) and, as an executive, ordered the "Executive Eggs" for $8.50 with a complimentary glass of Champagne or Mimosa. What I received were two poached eggs with bacon on my favorite English Muffins with a salty and delicious Hollandaise sauce. The eggs were sided by what you Southerners call "hash browns" but which looked liked chunky potatoes cooked with onions and peppers to me. Together they warmed me cockles as the Mimosa allowed the warm memories of my youth to flood over me. Why, looking out of the window I could almost see and smell Joe's Deli (pastrami burger) and the Cloverdale Pharmacy (fresh donuts) right across East Fairview.

I am well aware that "foodies" would find the fare at Sinclair's to be less than edgy. But I would ask the same food critics to name me all of the non-chain restaurants you know in the Gump that are still popular after 18 years. Longevity is some indication of quality control. And the quality at Sinclairs is rather consistent even if only slightly better than average. Their menu is very diverse--maybe too much going on--but everything is reasonably priced and the service is usually good.

Those of you who grew up in the Northern Territories and feel stuck in the Gump will not share my experience at Sinclairs. Nevertheless, I would recommend the Weekend Brunch in the Old Cloverdale location without hesitation as a good and friendly place to eat where you will usually see some of your own expatriates. Just don't mess with the "Hatman" on the trivia game.

Martin's Wins Cornbread Poll. Red's Little Schoolhouse Expected to File Protest.

Montgomery, AL (AP) By the margin of a single vote, Montgomery's Martin's Restaurant has apparently edged Red's Little Schoolhouse in the first annual Lunch in the Gump Cornbread Classic. The LITG Secret Committee has yet to certify the results, however a spokesperson for Red's has already indicated that the results will be contested.

This one is not over by a long shot.

Unofficial vote counts showed Martin's with a one-vote lead. What do you think? Recount?

National Signing Day in the Gump!!

[Montgomery] Gump University has announced its 2010 "Fighting Luncheons" signee class. According to coaches and staff, this may be the finest recruiting class in the history of the Gump. “These men and women will make you proud to wear the butter and gravy!,” said Head Coach B.B. Bing as the commitments rolled in at team headquarters.


According to staff reports, the following have faxed in signed agreements as of 3:15 p.m. C.D.T:


1. Tojo Yamamoto: OT: 6’5” 390 pounds from Kyoto, Japan. Yamamoto was a highly recruited lineman known for the Tao of his commentary and his “stomach claw” hold. Although known as a "gentle giant," he is very quick with a post. He was recruited by all the major Oriental schools. He is rated a five-star by Urban Spoon.


2. T. C. Carp: Linebacker: 6’3”, 220 pounds from Chisholm, AL. “T.C” is a strapping cornbread -fed city-boy who reviews a lot a film before exploding into the face of his readers. He plays with a huge chip on his shoulder, coaches say. Needs some work on his spelling grades and may be a partial qualifier. He chose the Gump over offers from Arbys and Country’s Barbequue. He is rated as a three star on Urban Spoon.


3. Peter Clemenza: C: 6’0, 395 pounds from Corleone, Sicily. Affectionately known as “Fat” Clemenza, Peter caught the eyes of scouts with his quick draw and love of Canole’s. A true expert on Italian/Sicilian food, Clemenza will shore up the line of any eating establishment. He turned down offers from the Olive Room and Carrabas. He said GU made him an offer he could not refuse. Urban Spoon shows him as a solid 2-star contributor.


4. Reginald McLucid: TE: 6’4”, 210 pounds from Nigeria. “Reggie” is a highly touted receiver of various barbs. He is quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. He is said to have a strong cocktail move. He is said by his coaches to be a real team player. Prior to GU's offer, the biggest schools on his trail were Duke and East Carolina. Why? He was born in Nigeria, picked up blogging later than most prospects and started for only two seasons. He is a 2-star prospect according to Urban Spoon.


5. Beau Diddley: FB: 5’11, 230 pounds from Opp, AL. Diddly is known for his aggressive blocking in clearing the way for others to enter crowed areas. He will probably start immediately in a lineup depleted by the departure of Benny Binion and D.B. Cooper, both of whom played in the background. Diddley was recruited by Huntingdon as two-sport star. He is rated a 4-star on Urban Spoon.


6. B. B. Mack: End: 5’8”, 175 pounds from Prattville, AL. B.B. led the Lions to several state championships despite size and weight issues. Scouts like her speed and quickness and her ability to mix it up with larger players. She turned down offers from Boston College and many other Eastern establishments. B.B. played sparingly her senior year and but is projected to be more of a contributor to GU in 2010. She was not rated by Urban Spoon.


7. John E. Younger: C: 6’0, 290 pounds from The Gump, AL. Younger was another of GU's signing day surprises. He was a powerful tackle for a struggling Class 4A team who simply overpowered most of the defensive linemen assigned to beat him. He's not big enough to play tackle in college, though, and GU coaches believe he'll settle at center. He's fairly mobile. Younger is an extremely bright student who is expected to enter GU's pre-law program. Urban Spoon rates Younger as a two-star recruit. He is unrated by Scout.com.


8. Mimi Furst: OT: 5’9, 108 pounds from Albertville, AL. Furst is pure speed. She outclassed all of the kick returners in junior college by simply blowing by them on the outside. On her best days, Furst was unstoppable because of her unusual acceleration. She's listed at 108 pounds, but plays bigger on tape. She looks like a very strong wideout. Furst intrigued plenty of West Coast teams, but GU and AEA were the only BCS programs outside the Pac-10 to offer a scholarship. She's something of an enigma. Urban Spoon rates her as a four-star recruit, though Scout.com bestowed only three stars. Misses practice a lot.

9. Morris Cornpone Grits. ATH 5-11, 185, Gump Central, AL. You already know by now that GU loves recruiting high-school quarterbacks. Grits is in that group. He was a fast and creative play-maker under center. It's clear from watching tape, though, that his future isn't at quarterback. Guys like this can turn into a wideout, kick returner, cornerback or safety. Where will Grits settle? Defense seems like the most likely destination. Urban Spoon.com and Scout.com rate him as a three-star prospect.

10. Kent T. Lost. Mascot. 5-6, 200, Myrtlewood, AL. Known by all at the stockyard as "Lost," Kent somehow found someone capable of sending a facsimile to GU accepting a scholarship never offered.

11. David Bronner. CEO. 5-10, 190, Somewhere, Minnesota. David impressed Wall Street for weeks, maybe months, with his adept investment moves until he bought an airline that promptly declared bankruptcy. Known for his chains of green-roofed restaurants throughout Alabama, Bronner is considered a prize recruit to any program that depends on generating paper profits from a cash cow.


12. Darla Jean Pupanovich. Tailback: 2-6, 35, Animal Shelter, AL. A little small for a big time program, "Shadow Pup", as she is affectionately known in the Gump, is one of the quickest and fastest posters available this recruiting year. Why, she is so fast that pictures of her running are blurry due to the Doplar Effect. She is expected to be very elusive running behind a front line of giants like Tojo Yamamoto or Fat Clemenza. If she can stay healthy during a long season of gorging at marginal restaurants, she is expected to contribute greatly. Urban Spoon currently rates her a 5-star despite her diminuative stature.

Quite a recruiting class....

Daisy's Diner: Gump Greasy Spoon

Yes. It looks this dumpy from the outside.

We have always been told you cannot judge a book by its cover. Yet, would you frequent a diner north of Decatur that looks like this? No you would not. That is, unless your Lunch in the Gump scout team had gone before you and taken the hits for you. Which, as is our mission, we have. And you owe us. You owe us big time.

Let's be honest (unlike our politicians) and "get down to brass tacks." Here's the deal: If 97 health ratings, clean floors, healthy-looking wait staff and professionally prepared signs are your thing, then you should stay as far away from Daisy's Diner as you can in the Gump. Those of you who are fussy foodies could find many, many, many things to carp about, and more. But, if you are simple folk, like me, seeking a reasonably priced large amount of protein to warm your hackles under the interstate bridge, then this just might be the place where you can put on those pounds you lost before Christmas or during your stint on "The Biggest Loser" in relative privacy. And, oddly enough, you can put them on while "The Beatles" smile down upon you.

Yes. Those are The Beatles in the background yukking it up.

The truth is that Daisy's Diner has good basic food. Really good basic greasy spoon food. And the tradeoff with greasy spoon food is that in exchange for large quantities of relatively cheap protein, you have to endure relatively grimy ambience with questionable ratings from those finicky statey health inspectors who lunch at Tokyo. Exhibit A, in my view, would be the Daisy's Diner basic $5 bacon-cheeseburger shown below.

Yes. That is grease glistening on the top of the bun.

Those are indeed "tater tots" in the foreground and, unless you debase yourself at Sonic, this is about the only place in the Gump where you can substitute "Tater Tots" for "French Fries." Going "all the way" with tots and a huge pot of diet Coke for another $2.50 and you have a true gut bomb of U.S. flavors. And what red-blooded true American patriot would not want to substitute All-American tots for frenchy food after what the French ambassador said about us about Haiti? Anyone? Any 'merican? I didn't think so. Merci you very much.

But, as with most good things, I must point out the thin patina of grease you see on the top of the bun above is what you get at Daisy's. That little smear is just the tip of the ice...er greaseburg. For when you cough up $8.50 at Daisy's Diner for a burger (with all the trimmings), tots and a drink you are going to get a nice hefty chunk of ground beef and carbs with all the grease that comes with it with no apologies and no extra napkins.

So, as The Younger a/k/a Yogi says: "This place is a lot better than I remember." If you are on a limited budget, really hungry, blind and deaf with short term memory loss, this is the perfect place for lunch in the Gump. If you need specifics, click on the Urban Spoon icon I will paste in below. My rating: Better than I remembered!

T.C. Carp.