Barbecue in the Gump, barely

This little piggy has no pants on.
This little piggy has gas.

Being a Gump native, I am required by heritage and societal pressures to eat barbecue at least once a week. Today at lunch, my blue-eyed bride and I dined, again, at Varsity Barbecue, currently located in the parking lot of Burlington Coat Factory, across from Kripy Kreme, on the road that connects Mount Meigs, Alabama to Ann Street. Some call that road the Atlanta Highway, but the road existed before Atlanta did. At Varsity Barbecue, one can see the dreaded Boulevard, still east of your eating position, but just barely.

Varsity Barbecue may still be an unknown quantity to some. It exists in a building constructed to house Ruby Tuesday. Ruby pulled up her red dress and moved to East Chase, the hottest spot in West Shorter. The building underwent a long renovation, including installing a battle-hardened concrete drive-through lane. Suitable chimneys and cooking pits were created, and the place now meets Lewis Grizzard's minimal criteria for a barbecue joint: smoke coming from the roof. On a windy day like today, you can smell the smoke, inside and out, something treasured by Grizzard.

Another note: To the best of my knowledge, despite the name, this operation has nothing to do with The Varsity on North Avenue in downtown Atlanta. I don't know why the name was chosen here. Are there others elsewhere in the world?

Upon entering Varsity Barbecue, many newcomers are confused. There is no hostess or greeter or anything. There is just a stack of tri-fold menus on the dividing wall in front of you. Then, on your left, towards the back, you notice some green-and-orange neon signs that say "Order Here" with appropriate arrows. If you go sit down and wait for someone to take your order at your table, nothing will happen. Grab a tri-fold, and look it over while you wait in line (if there is one). The line (usually, at lunch) can be confusing in that it's one line for two, sometimes three, order-takers. Just stay in single file, and wait for an empty slot. If anyone behind you tries to start separate lines for each order-taker, they deserve the evil eye.

When you place your order, you will be given a plastic number to put on your table. Depending on what you order to drink, you will be given Coke products from their side of the counter, or, if you prefer water or iced tea, you will be given a styrofoam cup of ice and told "the tea is down there to your left". You pour your own tea from a bank of aluminum urns, each cleverly labeled with the usual choices. The tea is located in the aisle that goes to the swinging kitchen door, so beware of that, and errant busboys with full bus pans, immediately behind you. Bad design for the tea station, says I.

The fare is standard Gump barbecue joint food, including pulled pork, beef, or chicken barbecue, ribs, corn on the cob, coleslaw, french fries, baked beans, meat salads, etc. The sauce is your standard Alabama red ketchup-based sauce, and it's good. They have baked potatoes piled with barbecue and other things, in various combinations. One thing that separates this would-be chain (maybe) is the name of the stew. At Varsity, it's "brunswick stew". In real Gump-type places, that stuff is still referred to as "camp stew" (and only in The Gump. Why?).

The place has a comfortable decor consisting of wooden chairs and tables and padded booths. Some booths seat two, some seat four. In the row of two-seater booths, beware of the hanging lights over the tables. One side has lights hanging low enough to bother your skin. The other side of the aisle is more tolerable. When you finally sit down with your plastic number and styrofoam cup, and then look around, you will notice a sports motif. Plastered all over the walls above the wainscoting you will see pictures of most everyone who ever played or coached football for Auburn University or the University of Alabama. There are also smaller areas honoring Troy State and Alabama State. Many flat-screens hang from the ceiling, eternally tuned to ESPN or ESPN2.

The food at Varsity Barbecue is good. The service (bringing the tray that matches your plastic number) is sometimes slow and confused. If they get behind during lunch, you might notice your hunger building. My bride usually orders a baked potato with pork barbecue, with sauce on the side, no cheese, no chives. Today, she got the potato with the pork, but it was covered in too much sauce, and there was cheese in there somewhere, too. No chives, as ordered. The kitchen crew apparently misses some of the nuances of the order in the heat of the moment. In our case, the manager took our order, and when it came like it did, she just ate it anyway. I always get the bowl of brunswick stew. Our server had to go back for crackers and a spoon for me.

Overall, I would give Varsity Barbecue 2 pig squeals out of 4. It's easy, it's good barbecue, and it's reasonably priced. $17.99 for two drinks, one barbecue potato, one bowl of stew, and one fried apple pie for desert. We were full when we left, and I had seen more overhead than I wanted to see about Bret Favre. I'm not excited about the place, but I'll go back.

They have a website http://www.varsitybbq.com/  that's "under construction", as usual for places open less than a year.

Political Ads Make Me Pu...er (excuse me) Not Feel So Well.

Damn it, political ads really are here....(make the bad men stop!!!)

I don't know about you, but I am bombarded each day with more unhelpful political advertisements than I can stomach. Unfortunately for me, being of advanced age, I have in the past made political donations to so many different candidates that, apparently, both parties believe I am an ardent supporter of their most outlandish positions and hate their counterparts with a passion reserved for enemies during war. The ads, the calls, the e-mails have all reached a crescendo just days before Nov. 2. Today they caused me to act unprofessionally during a follow-up review investigation at Wishbone Cafe. Here's the story:

I was forced over the wall and outside the Gump by a physician who refuses to practice in the Gump.  After humiliating me by requiring me to disrobe so she could check my person for questionable skin lesions to burn with her freeze pump, I was pricked, cut, and biopsied. Then I was sent on my way with a horrid bandage on my scalp and a dull pain thereunder. I was probably suffering some reaction to the local anesthetic.  But since I was in the AUM area, I thought it would be prudent to do a follow-up visit to The Whishbone Cafe, which had been favorably reviewed (for the most part) by this blog some time ago.  You can see that prior post by plicking (pointing and clicking) here. As you may recall, about the only criticism noted in that post related to Shadow Pup's lack of patience over the delays and service.

Well, I had not been there long today before it became quite obvious that the proprietor had responded to such criticism by adding better staff.  I was greeted at the door, seated almost immediately, provided a beverage and offered a sample of their fabulous soup while I poured over the menu and suffered my medical problems in silence.

Blue Plate special (on a white plate).

I ordered the "blue-plate special," see above, which was grilled chicken, sweet potatoes and asparagus.  Quite an inventive grouping of flavors I must say.  Not a huge fan of the sweet potatoes but these were not too sweet and they enhanced the flavor of the chicken and the buttery cream sauce which was lightly covering the chicken and asparagus.  It was a delightful meal and served within 15 minutes of my 12:03 p.m. arrival even though the place was rather busy. So far so good. 

Unfortunately, I failed to ignore the buzz of my Crackberry.  Looking at the screen I saw I had a new e-mail from (in this case) Al Gore--or was it Paul Begala--advising me as follows:

"Chase --



One Illinois Republican plans to dispatch Orwellian-named "voter integrity" squads to predominantly African American neighborhoods in Chicago.


The goal, of course, is not to protect the integrity of the vote, but to depress turnout. Despicable.


In Nevada, a right-wing shadow group has even put up TV ads, actually urging Latinos not to vote. Urging American citizens not to vote: Disgusting.

American heroes have given their lives to protect our right to vote.

Sound familiar?


Yup, like a poltergeist returning from the grave, these loathsome Karl Rove-inspired dirty tricks are back just in time for the final week of the campaign, when voter turnout will literally decide the outcome of about 50 make-or-break races."

The subject of the e-mail was: "Poltergeist."

Well, I never liked that movie or the one about possession (The Exorcist) and my mind wandered to Linda Blair spewing green pea soup all over the wall while her head rotated. The combination of pain, medication, sweet potatoes and disgust over the direction of political speech converged and my head began to spin. You can guess at the rest.  I will spare you the details.

Bottom line, the good folks at Wishbone probably were concerned that yours truly would give them a bad review.  Truth is, I really think Wishbone Cafe is a gem despite its location. (Address and map below). I highly recommend this place for lunch. It is a real find. Just turn off your Crackberry and stop watching political ads while you eat.  Today's level of political speech and even good food do not mix.

Sunday Night at The Palace

[Ed. Note: After a hiatus in Pensacola, the IP is BACK in the GUMP!  Yee Haw!!  New location though]


("Yes" I am out on bail and "No" I cannot talk about it).

Dinner at "India Palace" Sunday night reminded me of a joke (perhaps grounded in truth) I heard years ago: A college professors' Peugeot breaks down on I-65 near Clanton and a Good Ole Boy mechanic comes and stares under the hoof for several minutes when the professor finally asks: "Well, do you think you can fix it?" To which the Good Ole Boy just sighs and says: "Fix it? Hell, I can't even announce (pronounce) it."

Located in what used to be a thriving group of shops across from Moody's Hardware and Ligers (actually where Del'Amalia used to be), India Palace has slowly and surely made a name for itself as one of the best restaurants in Montgomery. I would say best "Indian" restaurants but there is only one other and it is not good. I really mean it is one of the best restaurants of any kind. Of course the decor is sparse, the furniture basic, the lighting garish and the music annoying. (The place mats are really "Find the 36 mistakes" visual puzzles). But despite these shortcomings, the food is outstanding and a welcome respite from the ordinary.





Kadai Chicken


















Problem is, I couldn't "announce" anything I wanted to eat. I had to point and hope my "Indian" waiter could read English translations of Indian food descriptions. I think I had "Kadai Chicken" and if that is correct, I can highly recommend you try it also. It came in a little copper pot. The chicken was hand cut (not those odd shaped bleached white chunks of whatever), and the curry, onions and peppers had just the right spice level. Served over fresh rice with a side order of "naan" and you are eating high on the Raji. And for a very reasonable price I might add ($13). On Sunday night when most places are closed, India Palace is open and serving very fresh: lamb, chicken or seafood vindaloo, palak, pasanda, josh, makani, bharta, and tikka.

If you trust Urban Spoon, you will see that India Palace consistently gets very high ratings for authentic "Indian" fare. So when you get tired of the usual and want to spice up your dining with a little adventuresome dining, the Carp highly recommends you consider India Palace for lunch or dinner. Don't worry about pronouncing what you want--just point and enjoy.

Carp Pleads Innocence--Legal Team Announced

(AP)--The "Blogging 11" were arraigned today at the Federal Courthouse. Each plead "not guilty" to the 65-count indictment charging they took favors from restaurants in exchange for glowing reviews. The defendants included bloggers from "Eat Gump," "Midtown Montgomery Living," "Lunch in the Gump," "Urban Spoon," "Lost in Montgomery," and "The Adventures of Pirate Bendy."

[Portions of article dealing with other blogs deleted]

Lunch in the Gump's Corn B. Carp refused to repeat his "I was baited!" quote made at his arrest last week. He deferred all questions to the head of his legal team Reginald T. McLucid who introduced the remainder of the team: David Copperfield and Chuckles the Clown. "This will be a dog and pony show to rival Barnum and Bailey," Mr. McLucid said as Copperfield made the 125-page indictment disappear in a puff of smoke.

"Poof!"

Also with "Team Carp" was a large oriental gentleman wearing a red silk robe and sandals presumed to be former wrestler Tojo Yamamoto and rumored to be Blogger # 2 referenced in the indictment.

Supporters of the indicted bloggers rallied outside the courthouse carrying signs. One woman, who would only say her name was "Tammy E", held a sign that read: "Cornbread, You Changed My Life!" When interviewed she said she was afraid to go out to many lunch spots in Montgomery until the "Lunch in the Gump" blog appeared. "I believe the Carp is innocent," she added, "I am here because I believe this is an injustice."

The crowd outside was not all pro-blogger. One man, who called himself "George" held a sign depicting a cloud of shoes circling Montgomery. "The other shoes are about the drop," he said with a mysterious grin.

U.S. Magistrate Judge Capell Howard set the trial for all eleven on April 4, 2011. At the present time, no motions for separate trials have been filed.

After the arraignment was over, the Blogging 11 enjoyed a fine lunch at Reggie's Place in the basement of the courthouse. Reggies was reviewed on Lunch in the Gump months ago.

Coach Saban Comments on Closing of Brew Pub

(Montgomery)--The Montgomery Brew Pub has "temporarily" closed, according to owner/manager/chef Chris Ellis. See article in The Montgomery Advertiser. We at Lunch in the Gump are extremely disappointed and hope he is not kidding about reopening soon with pool tables, dart boards and "Jenga." When Coach Saban was asked by some wag if he knew of the closing at his press conference following the unfortunate South Carolina Gamecock game, he said this:

What do I think about the Brewpub closed!?!? You've got to be %$*&#ing @#*!ing me!!!

We at LITG apologize for Coach Saban's potty mouth. We will probably get some e-mails and letters about this, and we should. But it was a dumb question.

Carp Indicted by FBI for Allegedly Demanding Improper Inducements for Favorable Post

(Association Press)-- A Montgomery blogger was arrested today at his trailer by agents of the Federal Blogging Institute (FBI) for allegedly demanding and accepting improper inducements from a restaurant owner to post a favorable review touting the owner's restaurant. Corn B. Carp, 33, was taken into custody at 4 a.m. this morning and charged with corrupt blogging, conspiracy to mislead the public and receiving improper inducements pertaining to a recent post on the "Lunch in the Gump" blog, which is purportedly the worlds most popular blog on eating lunch within the confines of the by-pass surrounding Montgomery, Alabama.

"This arrest reveals the dirty underbelly of the restaurant review blogging community," said chief investigator Prince Karming. "The Blog-Ola generated by organized and unlicensed restaurant review blogging corrupts many of those involved."
The 65-count indictment reveals that representatives of Green Papaya were wired by FBI agents when Mr. Carp, generally known by his nom de plume "Cornbread Carp," offered a favorable review in exchange for free egg rolls.

"I just want you to show me some love," the indictment quotes a tape of Mr. Carp during a phone call to the owner. "I really like egg rolls and a couple of egg rolls would help me understand the quality of the food and write a better review."

The indictment alleges that Mr .Carp received free egg rolls and, in exchange, wrote a glowing review of Green Papaya which appeared last week. In the review, still available at http://lunchinthegump.blogspot.com/2010/10/green-papaya-good-for-gump-and-you.html, "Cornbread Carp" made claims that the food would cause patrons to loose weight.

"Mr. Carp's mistake was asserting in the blog the egg rolls were 'complimentary' when we knew that they are always ala cart," said Karming who also noted that the post made several preposterous claims about the food.

When reached for comment Mr. Carp said only: "I was baited." He referred all questions to his attorney, Reginald McLucid. "This whole claim was politically motivated by Gov. Bob Riley because of a review of Eastbrook Cafe which revealed a raid on a local restaurant for serving pulley bones. We look forward to proving Mr. Carp's innocence at trial." McLucid noted that the Green Papaya had already been favorably reviewed on the Lunch in the Gump blog well before the alleged fraudulent transaction and that the egg rolls had no affect on Mr. Carp's review of the restaurant. "I mean, obviously, this guy really likes cornbread--not egg rolls," McLucid said.

Interestingly, the indictment listed several unnamed co-conspirators. For example, "Blogger No. 1" was described as suggesting the egg-rolls during a taped conversation at the restaurant. A "Blogger No. 2" was recorded speaking in a foreign accent--probably Asian--without articles in very short sentences like: "[Blogger No. 2] like." Further indictments are expected, said an unnamed source.

When contacted for comment, the Lunch in the Gump blog editors refused to take down the questioned post defiantly stating: "Except for all the obvious hyperbole concerning the benefits of Thai food, we stand by our post and behind the Carp!," the editor said. "Hell, we don't even allow advertising." The LITG web page does contain the following Advertising Disclaimer: "Although begged often to sell ads at ridiculously high rates, Lunch in the Gump has to date steadfastly refused to allow anyone to sway our opinions with the filthy lucre selling advertising space generates. The stupid "Adsense" stuff you see on the right-hand side is something Google adds but we (to date) have received none of the revenue from that nor do we control what the computer program selects for ads although the ads appear to be based upon what we post. Inquiries should be directed to bamabing@lunchinthegump.com."

Mr. Carp addresses the media with his counsel

Green Papaya Good for the Gump and You.

[Ed. Note: Despite the recent indictment of the "Cornbread Carp," except for the patent hyperbole concerning the benefits of Thai food, we stand behind this post and our friend.]

I know they do not serve cornbread, but GreenPapaya serves up the kind of food that makes a body feel good. Whomever at the Agonizer only voted the Green Papaya "three" forks has a lot of 'splainin to do. Why, that reviewer was dumber than Les Miles in the 4th quarter. Green Papaya is definitely "five" forks out of four by any unbiased observer.

Today the gang (Bama Bing, He Who Has no Nickname, The Younger, "Stormin Norman" and I) all decided to meet at the Forest Hills Shopping Center landmark where the prices are reasonable, service quick and food deliciously good for you. Boy were we not disappointed: Pud Thai, Mussman Curry Chicken, and some dish no one could pronounce. All served with a tasty soup, complimentary egg-rolls and a bottomless tea glass for under the Tojo Line. The chicken is hand raised, the curry home grown by Capuchin Monks, and the spices flown in daily from Laos. Some of the spices are known to lower cholesterol and increase the incidence of free radicals. They actually cause significant weight loss when ordered "Thai Hot." In other words, ordering food at Green Papaya causes you to leave healthier and thinner, if not slightly less wealthy.

Try as you might, I challenge you to find a better "Asian" food experience in the Gump. Voting on Urban Spoon has shown that a very high percentage of patrons of Green Papaya "like" it. In fact, Green Papaya is rated one of the top ten restaurants in the Gump and surrounding environs. So when voting time comes for the "Best of Montgomery" ratings in The Montgomery Advertiser, we at LITG expect you, our loyal readers, to vote early and often for Green Papaya. Together we can make it the number 1 "Chinese" restaurant in the Gump (as stupid as that sounds). It would be good for you and Montgomery.

Did I mention they serve beer?

It Takes a Village...Kitchen, Pimm's Cup and Truffle Fries

[Ed Note: On Tax Day 4/18/2011, this was in the window of the Village Kitchen]

What new restaurant will replace Village Kitchen?

While not expecting a dining experience on the level of Galatoire’s nor a tuxedo clad maître’ d to snap for my seating, I did hear tell of a new local bill of fare in my Cloverdale hometown that would suit my discerning tastes. I am delighted to note that The Village Kitchen is located next door to my very own club in Old Cloverdale, and attempting to remain anonymous during my maiden visit, I fetched my big nose and glasses from the glove box of my Benz, donned and entered to dine alone as usual, hopefully undisturbed by the rabble that frequent places like Derk’s down the street.

I was promptly greeted by a pair of young respectably dressed young men (one with “highlights” in his hair) who honored my request of seating in a corner near a curtain for privacy. While I found no white table cloths, I did take notice of the substantial renovations that the new owners had accomplished. My aging ears (due no doubt to listening to the Nessum Dorma at extreme levels on the headphones) were pleased to be exposed to merely a conversational level of background clatter, substantial chairs with soft white leather seats and matching tufted leather, button appointed wall coverings behind booth and bench seating. Being the sentimental Gumperdale curmudgeon that I am, I took particular note of the prominent, appropriate display of an old sign from “The Great A & P Tea Company” reminding all patrons of the importance of days past. While the tables were ghastly topped in replaceable brown paper coverings, I took an editorial note that this was probably out of expedience and corrections to be made forth with. Properly seated I did see that each table was appointed with a small delightful potted red-tipped jade plant, obviously placed to draw the eye away from the brown paper.

I received my menu from Summer, a delightful oddly named waitress, who proceeded to guide me through options, noting that Butternut Squash was the soup de jour and opining that it was very good. (Looking through my disguise, I remembered that I was undercover I refrained from instructing her that I would be the judge of that). Summer (that odd name again), did tell me that the libations were on the other side of the menu. I turned the page and located the “Cloverdale Pimm’s Cup”. Pimms, Gruet Sparkling Wine, ginger syrup & cucumber. I sat upright and ordered two. A Pimm’s Cup, A PIMM’S CUP,
A P I M M ‘ S C U P !!!!! In the GUMP! Who would have ever imagined that?

Apologies.

Now the problem. No sooner than my Pimms arrived, I glanced to my right and saw that crass Chase N. Allpots and his driver, the obnoxious Fat Clemenza, coming through the door. Irish and Italians, together, The Horror. I grumbled and slumped below my Pimms and kept a watchful and discreet eye on these two decayed fellows.

As usual, Pots and Clemenza were already sauced. They were also speaking louder than necessary in the newly decorated and quieter surroundings of The Village Kitchen.

A different waitress politely served them their libations: Allpots, already reeking of gin and true to his nature, ordered the “Mind Your Elders” (made with fine Hendricks Gin and Elderflower syrup). Clemenza ordered something Italian called “The Capistrano (Woodford Reserve, Vermouth and Bitters). I finished my Pimm’s Cup and quietly ordered a glass of Cain Cuve Nv6 which was a creamy little cab with good legs.

Summer quietly interrupted my surveillance to ask if I was ready to order. I was. It would be the Roasted Chicken “Cobb” Salad ($11) for me. She reminded me that the soup of the day on Thursday was “Butternut Squash” ($3 Cup). I told Summer I would give it a go.

After Summer departed I turned my attention back to the rouges’ gallery nearby. I overheard Clemenza order the Village Patty Melt ($10)(grilled fresh-ground beef on house-made rye, Russian dressing, caramelized onions and swiss cheese). For his side order he requested Truffled-Parmesan Fries ($3). The thought of truffles took me back to my childhood pet piglet--Mortimer who could find a truffle in a snow storm. Alas, while daydreaming I did not catch Allpots’ order.

My cup of “Butternut Squash” soup appeared as if it had wafted on air. A small but fair portion of orange-butter bisque. It was so buttery good, it would make Linda Richman swoon and call Barbara Streisand. Yes she would. The soup was delicious enough to make me forget the babbling idiots nearby and forget to mind the fake moustache. No matter. No one noticed.

A Buttery Butter Bisque.

Summer removed the vanquished soup promptly and it was only a short time before my Cobb salad arrived. The greens and tomatoes were grown locally. I do not know the origins of the chicken but it was just enough to quench my appetite yet not so much that I felt a pang of guilt. Any guilt I felt was quelled by a sip of the cab. The crumbled blue cheese, egg, tomato, avocado, bacon and red onion vinaigrette melded with the wine and satisfied the palate. It was a salad best savored over fine conversation with a beautiful creamy woman with long legs—like my Cain Cuve.

The Village Kitchen Cobb Salad.

Alas, I had no beautiful nor interesting company. And I could not quit listening to the babbling coming from Allpots and Clemenza about wagers on what Allpots calls “armoured wankerball.” Apparently there is some contest this weekend between a university in Alabama and some Florida reptiles. I only caught something about an 8 point line. Sounds like a heavy line but alligators can be rather large I guess. I really have no idea what all that means but I did notice that Clemenza enjoyed every bit of his patty melt and those truffle fries. I should have ordered some myself. I do so miss Mortimer.

Since the Great Recession is now officially over and I needed to remain hidden until Allpots and Clemenza left, I splurged with some of The Village Kitchen’s “Award Winning Cheesecake” ($5). They must have worked very fast to achieve that award since they just opened yesterday. In any event, whether it was award-winning or not, it was made at the restaurant and it was rich and delicious. I was very glad to have ordered it.

Finally, as I finished my cheesecake, Allpots and Clemenza paid their tab (supposedly) and departed. They seemed very pleased with the entire package and themselves. They were chattering on about how they liked the décor, the service and the food so much, they would be back. Thankfully, they never saw me.

While the Village Kitchen advertises its pride in "Slow Food," the service was anything but while the food tasted like something that had been made that day with hours of preparation.

Drat, I thought. I feel the same way about this remarkable place. It is certainly fit for a gentleman at lunch. If they return often, I may have to actually talk to them at some point. After all, there are not that many places where a gentleman can find truffle parmesan fries and a Pimm’s No. 1 Cup. Regardless, I shall return to The Village Kitchen if they can keep up the level of food and service I experienced today. I give it four swizzles.

Cheerio.