No Decent Cubans Up Here?

The photo from Ybor City that started it all.

Current events concerning the recognition of Cuba after 50 years of embargo have encouraged me to break my silence about the harmful effects US policy may have had upon this country. You see, I fancy myself a connoisseur of the Cuban.  As a young man in Panama City I was spoiled by easy access to the 2 for $1 Cubans sold from a small stand on the main drag.  These were wonders to behold. Thin slices of "meat" and cheese surrounded by fresh and thin bread with little or no condiments.  They were lovingly made and sold by a refugee Cuban family and were manna from heaven to a working man with a voracious tapeworm.

This was a decade after the Bay of Pigs fiasco and in at least one northwest Florida city (What? you thought I was talking about Central America?) you could find at least one place that could produce an authentic Cuba sandwich. Alas, when I matriculated to the Gump in the 60s, after an exhaustive search for anything approaching the Cuban sandwich of my past, I gave up and relegated myself to the next best thing: the Combination sandwich from Pasquales, the Sahara and finally Corsinos.

The Grand Opening of the Sahara--forerunner of Corsinos--where you could get a Combo sandwich in lieu of a Cuban.

But fast forward under forty years of embargo.  Our brave secretary of state and Vietnam war hero John Kerry now says the embargo harmed America more than Cuba just like building the Berlin Wall hurt East Germany more than the West. Well, as ridiculous as that may sound, there is at least one instance where the embargo hurt the US more than Cuba: We have no decent Cubans up here in the Gump.  Good maybe.  But all the great ones are in Florida.

My brother--a foppish dandy named Basil--has retired with his wife to an upscale "seniors" community near Tampa.  He knows that every time I visit I have to go to the original Columbia restaurant in Ybor City for my Cuban fix. Of course, there they include salami along with the traditional ham and sliced pork which is sometimes called the Tampa variation.  But the mix of Swiss cheese and pickles on the thinly sliced Cuban bread makes a visit to the Columbia a must for me.

There have been heroic attempts to develop Cuban sandwiches here in the Gump and we thank all of those who tried. We mentioned the decent Cuban sandwich at The Wagon Wheel in our very first post back in 2009. That year we reviewed the better Cuban at The Wishbone Cafe. In 2011 we mentioned the ill-conceived Cuban "pannini" at the now-defunct Alley Deli. We explored the "Torta Cubana" at the Latino Super Market Taqueria y Restaurant but--as should be plain--that is not a Cuban sandwich but a Central American sexist parody of Cuban women. In 2012 we thought we finally had hit it big with the Cuban sandwich from the Cantina in the Alley. Unfortunately, the owner died soon after it opened and they closed down. Even the old Olive Room had a fairly good Cuban on the lunch menu back when it was a going concern. Recently, we noted the Ricky Ricardo Cuban Sandwich at Chappy's as a good effort.

But something, perhaps as says John Kerry (Vietnam war hero), was lacking because of the embargo? Were we too many generations removed from real Cuban sandwiches to replicate the originals here in the Gump?

I, obviously, do not pretend to know or understand how the exercise of presidential fiat resulting in the normalization of relations with Cuba will play out. But now with all the uproar concerning the unilateral executive action taken regarding Cuba without Congressional approval aside, I am somewhat hopeful that the normalization of relations with Cuba will eventually lead to the availability of Cuban cigars and authentic Cuban sandwiches in the Gump that will rival the Columbia or Las Olas Cafe on South Beach.

To land this plane let me tell you that it was ironic that today, the dawning of a new age in U.S./Cuban relations, my brother decided to torture me with a text and picture of his Cuban sandwich and 1905 salad from the original Columbia restaurant.  To which I thoughtlessly replied, "We just don't have any decent Cubans up here."  After sending that text I chuckled to myself that someone might take that the wrong way....

The Law of Unintended Sandwiches

In 1936 Meyer R. Schkolnick n.k.a Robert K. Merton published a paper titled: "The Unanticipated Consequences of Purposive Social Action" in which he tried to analyze the unintended negative consequences that often result from deliberate attempts to cause positive social change.  Now related to "Murphy's Law", the "Law of Unintended Consequences" is often utilized to remind us of the hubris that humans can fully control the world around us.

Which of course brings me to the subject of sandwiches in Montgomery, Alabama, a.k.a (affectionately know as) the "Gump" (for you newbies).  Our loyal following on our Facebook page (see the link to the right) has been chattering about a chain know as Jimmy Johns coming to Old Cloverdale in the Gump.  However, as you Old Montgomerians know, the corner of Narrow Lane and Carter Hill Road is not in Old Cloverdale and is known as the old Chevron station now known as the old Moody Tire location. (Isn't it quaint how we natives refer to locations as what they used to be as if we are still living in the past?)  The relevant question I had upon learning of this encroachment was how in the world one would be able to get into or out of the parking lot of Jimmy Johns when it is located smack dab in the middle of the most F*ed-Up intersection even the most well-meaning of traffic engineers never could have possibly intended. (My exhibit A is the turn lane on Carter Hill headed out of town which allows you to go by the cars waiting for the straight arrow and then beat the cars going straight onto Carter Hill).  I thought that when they added the Sonic drive-in to the mix it would only be a matter of time before a waitress roller skated into that spaghetti junction with a load of tater tots causing a chain reaction accident startling a golfer teeing off of No. 8 at MCC and causing them to shank a shot through the glass door at Martin's and into a pile of cornbread.  As if things could not get worse, now they open a fast-food sandwich shop with a drive through lane, hoards of hungry hungry hippos and dozens of delivery drivers ready to bolt into traffic with a Vito sub destined for the tummy of someone too lazy to open a jar of mayonnaise.

The intent was--as we find on their web page--to distinguish Jimmy Johns from the rest because "it's honest, it's damn good, it's damn fast, at a decent price." To paraphrase, it appears they intended to make our lives easier by providing convenient access to decent sandwiches at fair prices. The unintended consequence is that they further screwed up an already disastrous intersection with the result being that I could not get near the place during lunch hour and settled for an average tasting sandwich after stressful encounters with traffic.

I have learned that when you have to serve hundreds of sandwiches in a very short time at "fair" prices, it is almost impossible to serve truly great sandwiches regardless of your good intentions.  That is sort of why we founded Lunch in the Gump: to support local places that make our sandwiches to order in groups of two or three at a time to be consumed at a table with friends or, at least, comrades in cuisine.

Which, finally brings me to the real reason for this particular post.   After trying several fine "fast food" sandwich places in the Gump--like Jimmy Johns--I have to submit that I believe I have located the absolutely best lunch sub-like sandwich in the entire Gump from the River Regions to West Shorter.  I know that such a claim will evoke howls of protest from devotees of various very good local establishments, but today I confirmed that what my gullet had been craving for weeks was in fact the real deal.  What is this sandwich you ask?

The Intended Consequence of Ordering a Combo.

For me, right now the best non-hamburger sandwich you can buy in this area is the Combo sandwich at Corsinos. When Corsino's says "combo" they do not mean it comes with fries and a drink.  They mean a combination of various Italian meats and cheeses. The bread is like the bread they use in New Orleans for Po'Boys. Warmed just lightly with thin-sliced Italian meats and provolone cheese topped with shredded lettuce and tomato. It looks too large for one person to eat but it is so good I have rarely seen anyone attempt to take 1/2 home.  Given the even light use of mayo that would probably not be a good idea anyway for these sandwiches travel about as well as a Hamburger King cheeseburger. For anyone who does not love one of these sandwiches I will give you a refund of your Lunch in the Gump subscription. Just remember its cash only at Corsinos.

The intended consequence of diving into a Dago Salad (do you see a smiley face in that bowl?)  

To make it even more wonderful, you should try the sandwich with the (Politically Incorrect) antipasto which comes with Italian dressing, olives, cheese and lettuce.  I'd love to show you a picture but I ate it before I thought about writing about it.

The moral here: Take your time for lunch and enjoy a hand-made, one at a time, sandwich at a hometown icon like Corsinos.  Its an intended consequence of taking your time to make something special.

Dumped in the Gump: Binion Burked by The Beast

He's under there somewhere...

Former Casino Magnate Suffocated by Hamburger Steak Smothered in Onions

(From wire reports)

MONTGOMERY--Leonard Theodore "Ted" Binion was found dead today in his home after apparently being "burked" by a oversized hamburger steak from local restaurant Sundown East appropriately named "The Beast." According to unnamed sources, Binion, former proprietor of the Horseshoe Casino, was in the witness protection program after testifying against members of an alleged crime family before Congress in 1988. Court records reflect that Binion plead guilty to falsifying federal food inspection reports to cop a plea deal with the FDA prior to being granted witness protection. He lived in secrecy in several cities after finally being moved to Montgomery where, according to sources, he foolishly broke protocol and began blogging under his real last name about local lunch spots. Investigators are interviewing the owners of Wintzell's and Corsinos concerning allegations that they may have tipped off those in Las Vegas with an axe to grind against Binion's turkeyneck after not so complimentary reviews appeared on the blog. The owners of Sundown East, from which "The Beast" emanated, have confirmed that one of their waitresses did not report to work the day of the discovery of the body and that one fully-cooked hamburger steak was unaccounted for. The waitress had recently undergone breast augmentation surgery so her absence was not unexpected, the owners said.

The medical examiner for Montgomery County released a statement confirming that Binion was found on his back in his kitchen smothered by a 2+ pound hamburger steak itself smothered in onions and gravy. A Harley-Davidson t-shirt, un-naturually streatched across the chest, was found at the scene soaked in gravy. According to the county coroner, "burking" is an obscure method of gangland murder designed to leave little evidence of a crime. It essentially involves drugging an individual and then placing a heavy object on their chest causing suffocation. "The Beast," aided by gravity, supplied the downward pressure that resulted in in aspyixiation, the examiner said. Here, however, the hamburger steak apparently did not flea.
Rumor has it that Binion was burked to make room for new contributors to a local underground blog that has gone viral: lunchinthegump.blogspot.com. An official for Blogspot confirmed that the "Lunch in the Gump" blog had become popular and that Blogspot rules appeared to limit the number of contributors to 10. According to this spokesperson, the Lunch in the Gump blog was at its capacity at the time of the demise of "Binion." The capactiy has since been increased to 100 due to the popularity of this blog, the spokesperson said. Local law enforcement officials refuse to confrim or deny whether any of the blog's contributors were suspects. One, Tojo Yamamoto, is a former professional wrestler who performed many faked acts of violence and had a "patented wrestling move" that simulated "burking." Yamamoto also jibed with Binion on posts found on the blog. However, unnamed friends say Tojo is thought to be a gentle giant and student of Zen incapable of performing real acts of violence. Another, Shadow Pup, is alleged to be an unabashed right-wagger said to be involved with underground "rescue" missions against governmental animal shelters. Shadow Pup refused to speak with representatives of the media.

Another theory is that federal agents discovered Binion's blogging activities and wisked him out of the city before he could be located by those that would do him harm. Just how the FBI would have been able to fake Binion's death is not known. But, according to local funeral homes, the body was not processed locally although the hamburger steak was creamated.

Binion is the second Lunch in the Gump contributor to die in as many months. Doyle B. Cooper, the famous 1970s hijacker of a 727 jet who bailed out at 10,000 feet from the rear door and was thought to be dead, apparently had been living in Montgomery for years and died here in October after an encounter with a rogue hotdog. He had been known as "Doyle B" on the popular lunch review blog.

Posters on the blog expressed sadness for Binion's passing and suggested that memorials be made to Binion's presumed charity of choice: The Make a Wishbone Foundation.

Corsino's

Corsino’s is an old-school Italian place with parking problems and location problems. The food is definitely good, but just as definitely not great. The neighborhood is a little threatening. A few people have been shot near Corsino’s over the years – some made it and some didn’t. Yet Corsino’s is still there, and we hope, not going anywhere.

Many family-owned joints moved east, following the money, or so they thought. Most of these smarties got picked off by the franchises, the chains, the themed-out, high-concept “casual dining” establishments with absentee owners, absentee flavor, absentee service and absentee senses of community. Corsino’s? Hell, no. Corsino’s stayed put in a mostly run-down neighborhood, convenient to the diverse downtown crowd, serving Italian comfort food, and their signature dish for the past several decades is the “Dago Salad.” No PC bullshit at Corsino's, you can bet your ass on that.

Anyway, as a return visitor I knew better than to park in front of Corsino’s next-door neighbor, the Capital City Sharpening Shop. CCSS will have you towed or slit your throat. Or both, I guess. So I parked across Court Street next to some nutty-looking End-Time Prophecy Church with burglar bars on the windows. Crossing the street I was comforted by the two State Trooper cars parked in front of Corsino’s. Once inside, I let my eyes adjust to the dimly lit interior and then found the LITG group sitting at the table right next to the Troopers. I sat down with the fellas, confident that none of us would get whacked.

Our waiter, obviously a Bama fan, laid a decent Auburn joke on us. I don’t remember the whole joke but the punch line was “Officer, I’m just trying to help this goat get over this fence!” The waiter gambled and won! Lunch in the Gump is usually about a 50-50 Auburn/Alabama mix, but today it was 100% Bama! The usual 20% minimum LITG tip shot up to between 25% and 30%.

We knew most everybody in the restaurant -- lawyers, realtors, cops, bankers, professors, more lawyers, pharmaceutical reps (hubba hubba), lobbyists, broke asses, captains of industry and others. Yet nobody was schmoozing. I guess we will all schmooze next time we meet at the Capital City Club – today is just lunch without pomposity.

Our local District Attorney came in with a crew of investigators, deputies, flunkies, etc. Seems they were all packing heat (note to self… before returning to Corsino’s, renew the carry permit). Between this crowd and the Troopers we felt real safe. We chatted with them on the way out. The DA commented to one of the Gumpers, “Didn’t I just see your picture somewhere?”

“I hope to God not in your office,” he replied.*

Anyway, we paid the check, thanked everybody, spoke to a number of friends and acquaintances still there, then left.

Outside, we ran into a few more friends coming into Corsino’s. We chatted for a decent interval, and then dutifully gave up our parking spaces.

Oh, almost forgot. The lunch was real good.
* Editor’s note: the DA had seen our Gumper (a known socialite) in the “Whirl” section of the Montgomery Independent. He is not wanted.