Gump Soup: Cleaning Out the Clipboard File for 2011

Our Dear (and expendable) Leader

Things are a bit hectic this time of year.  Following world events today is like watching a drunk chase a balloon near the edge of a cliff. Alas, we must remain focused on the things we can change. Our role at LITG is to constantly work behind the scenes to ensure the enjoyment of the lunching class in Montgomery. We visit many places you will never see reviewed. Sometimes it is because they do not inspire our creative gravy. Usually it's just because we are too lazy or busy to compose. Although I hear there are several reviews in the works (which is sort of like hearing "the check's in the mail"), I thought that on this rainy/dreary afternoon as our office staff thins out, the phones stop ringing and the e-mails stop pinging (because other folk have already shut it down for the holidays), I would spend my last few non-productive hours before Christmas cleaning out my clipboard and photos for 2011. So here goes....

Yes, the tablecloths remind you of Gateway computer boxes...

Back during the competition for the best hamburger in Alabama contest, which was sponsored by the Alabama Cattleman's Association (a huge conflict of interest), we heard the Stockyard Grill was one of the finalists. A fun Irish joint in Mobile (Callaghans), places we've never heard of in Tuscaloosa and Tuscumbia, and our own Hamburger King were in the running. We had never tried the Stockyard Grill so the GGP's went in. Coincidentally, Channel 12 was filming that day (so we had to remain in disguise). The Stockyard Burger was large and Totted (served with Tater Tots). But as Yogi says: "Nobody goes there anymore because it is too crowded." It was hard to get a seat that day at least. But, we definitely would go back. By the way, Callaghans won the contest.  I highly recommend you visit them when in Mobile.

Stockyard Burger and Totters

We also visited Red's Little Schoolhouse in Grady Alabama. The Carp reported great "Ho-Cakes" and he wasn't trying to be funny nor dis the local females. Unfortunately Red's black cat lives under the stairs so if you are prone to superstition, this might not be the place for you. Interesting photos of all of our Presidents adorn the walls like the old elementary school it used to be. (Obviously, the photos of the early guys are paintings.) I would tell you where it was but I would have to shoot you. Suffice it to say it is WAY outside the Gump and only worth a trip if you are lost in southern Montgomery county and ravenously hungry.

Note the Black cat at Red's.  He's a Georgia Bulldog fan...

At the risk of being accused of trying to be punny, after hearing some interesting radio commercials we tried some "BJs Famous Hot Dogs" on airbase boulevard. You know, the radio spot where "my darling wife makes the slaw." I went in alone to find a very clean and well run family operation. The BJ's were very satisfying except for the buns. I like mine steamy and they toast them. In any event the BJ sauce was homemade and tangy. It's not up to Chris's Hot Dogs standards, but it is worth a try if you are out near Maxwell Country Club and need a quick BJ's.

Cafe Louisa has almost a cult following and fared pretty well in last year's LBCS. We finally gave in to the "Occupy Cloverdale Road" crowd and paid a visit during lunch only to find a listless wait staff serving a plain-Jane chicken salad "sammich" which looked like I had made it myself from a loaf of Colonial wheat and a tub of Public's tarragon chicken salad. No fruit. No garnish. No chips. Just two pieces of bread with some chicken salad listlessly spread in the middle and served on a bare plate. And not cheap. Not a bad sandwich just nothing special. Next time in the Big "O" I would opt again for Tomatino's.

So. That about wraps it up for 2011 and LITG. Our clipboard is now empty and waiting for a new set of reviews in 2012. Again, our mission is service. In 2012 perhaps we will solve the Man-Made Global Warming Debate along with the proper temperature to order Duck. Anyway, we at LITG wish all of you a very merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah (however the hell you spell it) and a better 2012 than you deserve!

By the way, voting for the 2011 LBCS championship is still ongoing. Don't forget to vote!

Dining with a Badass Honey Badger Who Doesn't Give a ....

During this holiday season many of us are invited to events where we share our table with others which usually offers us the joy of meeting new people or, at the very least, getting to know casual acquaintances better.  That is not always the case, however.  Not, at least, when you dine with a honey badger.

Sharing two for one steaks at Gumpwood CC with a honey badger is, to say the least, an ear-opening experience because, as you will read, Honey Badgers don't care. They say and take what they want. Nothing is too ridiculous, scandalous or pompous for a badass honey badger to tackle. (For a funny video on the honey badger narrated by Randall click here .  After you watch that, read what happened at Gumpwood recently):

While enjoying some very well prepared dry-aged  steak a la William, our Gumpwood Honey Badger enjoyed his 2009 Kosta Browne  Pinot Noir and filet mignon (for one for some reason) and, after very little prodding, began first to announce how he had figured out women while in college in the 60s. Most honey badgers are well-known horn dogs. But our local Honey Badger had the following secret: (1) Learn to dance well; (2) Wear nice clothes and (3) Listen to them (which is funny because the Honey Badger did not listen to any of the women at the table the entire evening). Of course, after hearing these ideas, the women within earshot were nodding in agreement like King Cobras about to have their heads bitten off. To break his spell I decided to make a joke.

"Well, why don't we talk about something non-controversial...like politics?"

Did the Honey Badger get the hint?  Hell no.  The Honey Badger don't care. He's pretty badass. No, he dug right into that subject like a honey badger tearing into a angry beehive. After first suggesting we needed another Lee Harvey Oswalt to take care of business (which was a joke) our Honey Badger proceeded to announce his distaste for all Republican candidates except nutty Ron Paul who thinks we should allow Iran to have nukes. He pounced on Newt because of his prior infidelities much to the glee of the women.  But despite their stings of indignation concerning the Honey Badger's attack on Mitt or Michelle, the Honey Badger kept on going until he had offended about everyone--twice! Then he said: "Anyone who is still a Democrat or Republican today is a dumb f*ck!" Aloud. Out loud and LOUD! Honey Badger don't care.  Honey Badger don't give a sh*t.  He just says what he wants. He then hit his conspiracy theories on about any subject you can imagine: The Kennedy assassination, AIDs and the CIA, the Siegleman Trial, City Grill moving to Hampstead etc.

Despite the expected futility of my actions, I tried now to take the heat off the Honey Badger which was palpably growing around him.  "Heh, heh, that's rich.  Say, why don't we move on to polite conversation on a subject like....religion.  Heh heh...."

The Honey Badger just blinked his cold black eyes, grinned with his pointy incisors like the Cheshire Cat and then tore into the subject with all the aplomb of Gingrich declaring that Palestinians were a made-up peoples. Obviously, the Honey Badger don't give a sh*t.  Baptists were "prudish priggs," Catholics were "pedophiles" or "pederasts," "greedy" Jews were "the cause of our recession," Episcopalians were "whiskeypalians," and atheists were "godless devils." Did I leave anyone out?  No, I don't believe he did. He may not have mentioned Buddhists or other so-called religions but I am probably mistaken. By the end of this rant, everyone at the table was wishing the Honey Badger would finish his No. 1 in 2011 wine and move on to plunder another beehive. Then, apparently because of his own mention of pedophiles, the Honey Badger hit the sordid Penn State/Sandusky mess with the finesse of a sledge hammer and the detail of a college sex-ed class.

After gorging on the sensibilities of those around him, the sated Honey Badger eventually left for another group of people to regale with his knowledge and wisdom and profane witticisms.

After he left, I raised my glass and proposed a toast: "As Morgan Freeman said in 'Bruce Almighty': It's Hell knowing everything."
 
My unspoken addition was: "And why in the world would an LSU defensive back want a nick-name like 'Honey Badger'?"



 
Honey Badger Takes What He Wants!