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| Eating messy barbecue used to be fun... |
Well, because the evidence is all in and the jury is sequestered and deliberating my fate, I thought it would be safe to break my lawyer-induced silence and comment upon a true but un-prosecuted conspiracy that affects many members of Gump society: The Ruined Tie Conspiracy between The Locker Room and Dreamland.
I would contend that the existence of a nefarious and collusive agreement between an exclusive men's clothing store selling expensive silk ties and an iconic barbecue restaurant serving messy foods is more compelling than the idea that an extra spring-roll would garner a favorable lunch review on the world's most popular blog about Lunch in the Gump. Recognizing my inherent bias as to one versus the other, here is my case:
Exhibit A: A "Best of Class" Robert Talbott tie from The Locker Room in the colors which my lawyer's jury consultant said I had to buy to wear with my suit at the trial. It cost $135 and must be dry-cleaned if it becomes soiled, assuming it can be cleaned at all.
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| An innocent and unsuspecting Talbott tie from TLR. Note the "I am not a crook" color scheme. |
These ties are available, to my knowledge, at only one men's store in the Gump. It is a store frequented by many of the most powerful people in the city. The Locker Room is, perhaps, the finest men's store in the city. It is certainly one of the most expensive. They only sell the best.
Exhibit B: The split smoked sausage hot dog covered in slaw, caramelized onions and Dreamland sauce. I couldn't take a picture because my cell phone was still locked up at the courthouse, but here is a "staged" Dreamland photo which, suspiciously I would say, omits all the messy stuff that makes it nearly impossible to handle and devour without creating a hail of fatty grease.
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| A pair of benign appearing sausages laying in wait for a silk tie to ruin (an actual picture of the split sausages taken from the website appears at right). |
Therefore, it is no coincidence that since Dreamland opened in the Alley, sales of Robert Talbott ties at The Locker Room have quadrupled. And if you dig a little deeper you will discover that the records establishing the formation of The Locker Room are filed in the very same state official's office as those harboring the incorporation papers of Dreamland of Montgomery. What are the odds that two business entities, supposedly owned by different persons, would store important business documents at the same office of the Secretary of State of Alabama? I told you it was suspicious. Add to this the fact that both businesses have business licenses filed in the same drawer at City Hall. Put this all together and you should not be surprised to know that the owner of The Locker Room was seen lunching with the owner of Dreamland, according to unnamed sources. Coincidence? Hardly.
In my unfortunate case the results were, as you would expect, that devouring a delicious $6.50 Dreamland split sausage hot dog with fries and slaw resulted in the destruction of a beautiful $135 silky green tie unless I wear it with a vest to cover the spot(s). I never wear vests. Vests are for persons who shop at western wear outlets. Not yours truly.
Did I hear you mutter: "Bib?"
Yes, they have "bibs" available for those wearing cutoff blue jeans and wife-beater t-shirts or high schoolers on prom night. Dreamland does have tacky plastic logo bibs with plastic ties that make you look ridiculous. But no falsely-accused businessman from a trailer park like myself would be caught dead with a plastic bib tied around my neck as if I had no concept on how to eat barbecue without a messy face. But note they do not encourage the use of bibs nor do they warn you to wear one. It's all part of the conspiracy, the vast barbecued chicken-wing conspiracy played out again in green silk. They know you will not wear the bibs but they have them so you wish you had.
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| Don't these teenagers look happy in their prom night bibs? (Note the stain on the sleeve) |
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| Using a bib to protect your laptop? Genius! |
The evidence is a clear there is some sort of a link between The Locker Room and Dreamland. At least the evidence is a lot more clear than the evidence against me in the Blogger Corruption trial. All I can add is wish me luck and wear a bib when eating at Dreamland when you have on your TLR finery. You have been warned.
[Ed Note: For the story behind the Blogger Corruption trial of Cornbread Carp see our prior post on the subject. On August 11, 2011, the jury acquitted him on all counts! He is now free to bottom-feed to his heart's desire.]
