No Bread in the House

We proud Gump Guinea Pigs have seen a lot of strange things in the service of Lunch in the Gump fans.  We've taken gastronomic risks no patrons of lunch fare should have to endure.  We've been starved, sat upon and thrown out on our ears. But the last thing we expected to face when a squad was sent in to sample the chicken salad sandwiches offered by "The House of Bread" in Old Alabama Town was they were out of wheat bread by 12:15.  Yes, you read that right: No bread at House of Bread.

House of No Bread
(Photo from Montgomery Advertiser)

Normally we discount anecdotal accounts of the foibles of new restaurants because we all know a very good restaurant can have a bad day or a bad meal or two.  But "House of Bread" has been open about four months now and not only did they have no wheat bread, they ran out of the chicken salad after serving one of the GGP's this tiny portion--a mere melon ball scoop--of chicken salad with three packs of saltines.  At least, because they originally thought they were going to be able to serve us a sandwich, there was a bag of chips included which, as you can see below, was devoured before the entree arrived.

A daub of chicken salad with a few leaves of lettuce and three small tomatoes.
(Photo from secret GGP iPhone)

The chicken salad was more finely ground up than we usually see in restaurants this day and age but what was of it available was tasty for the three bites it supplied. The "unsweet" tea was also good although it came pre-sweetened.  It was a good thing one of the squad tasted it first or he would have enjoyed super-sweet tea.

All in all it was not an auspicious performance. But, that is what the GGP's are here for: checking places out and twitching their noses.  On the bright side, the building is quaint, the waitstaff is willing and the menu offers traditional light lunch fare. I understand the catering side of the business is what propelled them to open for lunch.  We emphasize this is only one visit and one item ordered.  We believe it is worth a visit to see if others catch them on a better day.  For a more favorable reviews click here or there. The location is, at the very least, an interesting place to visit.

Lunch is Served in Gump Central

Finally! We have a true replacement for The Elite where you can enjoy fine dining for lunch in the Gump: Central at 129 Coosa. I know that is saying something, especially to those of you old enough to have actually experienced a business lunch at The Elite. And I also know I am very fond of the Olive Room. But I dare say I do not exaggerate when I say that Central is a very good choice for a lunch with clients and colleagues because it has some interesting spaces that can provide various levels of appropriate privacy with attentive service and an interesting selection of variously-priced entrees.

Why, just the other day I was invited to lunch with a group of financiers to discuss why I was wanting to teach my loans to roll-over when my dog was not house-broken. They were kind to include lunch as part of the cordial reminder that eventually you have to pay your debts back (or resign yourself to the status of a nare do well like Whiggin Blanket).  By the way, that reminds me of an e-mail response from a listener who was a former navy seaman who took offense at some comment to the effect that Congressional Republicans spend money like "drunken sailors" and Congressional Democrats would spend  money like "drunken sailors on crack."  His point was well made when he wrote: "I take offense at the comparison of Congress to drunken sailors. At least even we drunken sailors stopped spending when we ran out of money."  I, your humble servant, have taken heed that I need to stop spending but, as we are wont to do, I digress.

The point of all of this was that Central is now open for lunch and I enjoyed a very fine lunch there.  I had the Central version of a gyro sandwich which is actually called a grilled chicken pita with feta cheese, tabouli and a Greek vinaigrette ($10).

(For the correct pronunciation of Gyro see this link.)

My only possible complaint pertains to the portions. Notice the New York City style portions and glasses. Anyone heard of what NYC is trying to do about portions? Perhaps you like the idea, but I, for one, am squarely against a city telling me what size portions my favorite restaurant can serve food and non-alcoholic beverages. Why, I would never want a 42-ounce tankard of Diet Dr. Pepper, but by goodness I have and do occasionally want the chance to devour a 42-ounce sirloin and win a free meal.  Again, at Central recently my meal was delicious and well-prepared.  My only constructive criticism would be for Central to enlarge the luncheon portions. I must of consumed six glasses of water where one larger glass would have probably sufficed. Not asking them to "Super Size Me," mind you.  I am just suggesting a larger water glass, a few more vegetables in the side dish and a pita that can hold a few more ounces of chicken. "Just saying" as you natives and Josh Moon say.

You see, I just don't buy the idea that the government needs to be involved in my dietary choices in a free lunch market. If you believe government should do something about the fact we are the fattest people on earth then just tax the fatties by the pound and it will all work out in the marketplace!  Ooops.  Did I step over the line a bit there?  Well, if I have offended any of you "Biggest Loser-Types," I humbly apologize because I know your life choices are actually the fault of the city's failure to regulate the number of french fries you can sneak off from work and order at the Wendy's drive-thru between your five other normal feedings. At least, that is what they say in enlightened New York City. Today it is no sodas over 32-ounces. What's next: No triple Whoppers? No extra mayo? Gee, thank you Mayor Bloomberg.  Who said Republicans don't like expanding the role of government? Leave the fatties alone. Sock it to the thin. And lunch at Central!

Don't blow a gasket over the portions (and mind your head at Central).

Gump Dynasty: Chophouse Vintage Year

Call me "Lamb Commander!"

[Ed. Note 9/4/2014: We sadly announce we have learned the Vintage Year closed. Hopefully it will reopen soon.]

My Robertson cousins from Louisiana (who have a TV show I think is called "Duck Dynasty") visited me last weekend while they were meeting with Buckmaster Jackie Bushman and Willie Robertson said they wanted to take me to dinner "Somewhere's nyace."  I decided to think outside the swamp and began to pick the place that would impress these yahoos with its fine cuisine. Why? Because they were paying and there is no place in the Gump where you can get squirrel brains (their favorite delicacy) and I am not fond of frog legs (their second favorite food).  My choice was Chophouse Vintage Year, long a favorite of the LITG gang.  In fact, I had last dined there when we met to divvy up our ad revenue from Google Ad-Sense which paid for one appetizer.

I guess I was not prepared for what happened after Willie called.  You see, I did not know Si and Phil would be there along with Jace. Normally, cousins Si and Phil don't like to leave the swamp and Jace is always hunting. I thought Willie, with his MBA and country club memberships, would be able to fit in quite well at VY, despite his "mountain man" beard, bandanna and cammo blazer. But I feared Si and Phil in cammo might give other diners the wrong impression i.e. that they were swamp people instead of self-made duck call millionaires. Well, actually, they are both. But that is another story.

In any event, our waiter "Will" was very professional despite having to field questions like: "Got any squirrel?" or comments like: "My favorite part is the head."  Of course, there was the usual banter about being poor country guys not knowing which forks to use and ribbing me about how I had forgotten where I came from. When Will reviewed the specials, the "Berkshire Porterhouse Pork Chop" garnered a few giggles from the Robertsons. "Berkshire Hathaway pork chops?," Jace asked.  "They should be on the Buffet (which he pronounced Buff-Ett)."  They giggled like rubes that probably own several shares of BH stock.

Willie, smiled and said, "No you uneducated dope.  Berkshire pork is what they call Kurobuta pork. Its from the oldest known pig breed: the Berkshire. It is not like white pork but is more marbled like steak."

Si added with a straight face, "There's two kind of people in this world: the educated and the 'unducated.'"

The Filet Commander with "cake"

However, when the dust settled Si ordered the steak and cake (filet and crab cake), Jace ordered the Berkshire Pork chop, Phil ordered the Snapper and I ordered the lamb special (shown above). the three generous lamb chops were served on a bed of green stuff on top of potatoey stuff that tasted like butter stuff. Together It was outstanding and cooked medium rare just as I ordered.  I shared a bite with Jace and Si and they admitted I had out-ordered them this time.

Si on Ninja Beavers.

The boys actually minded their manners and Willie showed some prowess with the wine list pairings for the entres. I particularly liked the Silver Oak he selected for me.

As we ate Si, Phil and Jace regailed me with the "Showdown at the Beaver Corral" they had just conducted and imparted to me some of their best pieces of advice and other swamp witticisms. For example, Phil remarked: "You need to be able to take a leak in your yard without someone saying "Hey, what's he doing?'" And Si, seeing my car outside opined: "First it's pretty tires, then it's pretty guns....the next thing you know you're shaving your beard and wearing Capri slacks."

They ate rather fast and I asked Phil what was the rush. He held up the wrong fork, smiled and told me: "When you don't know what you're doing, its best to do it quickly."

Phil on Bees and Women.

Despite their ragged appearances, these Robertsons know good food and they raved about Chophouse Vintage Year.  They even signed a few autographs, which surprised me because I doubted anyone who frequented the VY would also watch Duck Dynasty.  It is wonderful when two worlds converge in harmony over finely cooked steak, pork and lamb with brain cells marinated in a fine Cabernet. I thought to myself, why even Whiggin Blanket and Chase N. Allpots would have enjoyed this dinner and perhaps a chuckle or two.

Although my guests are the "Duck Commanders," Friday night, with the help of Chef Skelly at Gump Dynasty Vintage Year, I was the "Lamb Commander."

Quack, quack!

The Snappermaster

Scallions and Litres and Bears, Oh My!

This is what it looks like when you've been out-ordered...

Some of you, no doubt, have probably figured out that this blog is as much an unvarnished chronicle of life in the Gump in the early 21st Century as it is about lunch. Decades from now it is possible that this blog will be taught in the history classes of some charter schools and, perhaps, in some ASU sociology classes studying the remnants of the "Old South" and the beginnings of the new. Along these lines we have previously explained the connection between the Gump and the beaches along FLA 30-A in So-Wal. Today I will discuss the "Highlands" connection between the 'upper crust' of some in the Gump and the mountains of North Carolina.  We will, as usual, try to use food as the glue holding the narrative together. But, as you have also probably noted, the glue we use here at LITG is sort of like the glue they use on Post-It Notes® or the bonds between movie stars and their spouses. Capice?

Think of this as as a journey to the Emerald City a/k/a the verdant Appalachian forests of Highlands N.C. along the Yellow-striped road called I-85/75.  It is a trek that the upper crust and hoi polloi of the Gump have made for decades to escape the heat and humidly at 325 feet above sea level for the cooler temperatures of life at 4,000 feet or so.  Many Gumpers own homes in the Highlands/Cashiers area. There, during football season at snobatoriums like Highlands Country Club, gentlemen wearing their Harvard and Penn club ties sip their scotch with their pinkies in the air and sniff when "ruffians from Montgomery" hoot and holler over news of a Bama touchdown. "Hey," one Gumper watching the game said to the ivy league crowd huddled around the fire, "anyone have the Penn-Temple score?" Of course, they didn't.

Personally, I am easily enticed to weekend in beautiful locations where they have fine restaurants. Recently, I tagged along with a group of native Gumpers to enjoy a long weekend in the Cashiers/Highland's area.  It was a little early in the season and the weather was cold at night.  But after litres of fine wines before a roaring fire in an outdoor fireplace overlooking the mountains I was in mini-vacation mode. This vacation, however, also involved a mixture of terrific food made with local vegetables and meats, as well as an element of danger in the form of the black bear.

A typical mountain lake view near Cashiers

In Highlands, based upon the wares at shops and the decor of mountain chalets, one would think that the local mascot is the black bear.  Carved images of them are omnipresent as are warnings not to feed them or  leave food outside.  Elaborate child proof garbage containers can be found all over town and at most parks designed to keep Yogi and Boo Boo out of the "good stuff" that humans throw away after their "Pick N Nick" baskets are empty. I dreamed often of meeting up with a hungry bear while staying in Cashiers. Thankfully, my dreams did not come true.  In fact, I never saw one of these so-called bears once during my stay.

Putting the bears aside, I want to draw your attention to a particularly fine meal we enjoyed "On the Veranda"  located on beautiful Lake Sequoya near Highlands. OTV is celebrating its 30th year of fine dining inspired by the extensive travels of owners Andrew Figel and Marlene Alvarez. They use fresh ingredients grown locally--like their scallions or "ramps" as they call them in the mountains. The photo above shows one of the specials--a filet atop a bed of smashed potatoes--covered with a delicious sauce and vegetables.  Not only tasty but attractive and colorful. Wine Spectator Magazine highly rates the place and I can confirm--wine snob that I am--that the wine list was extensive but, fortunately, the prices were not outrageously high. Why, I, tightwad extraordinaire, actually purchased a round of wine by the glass for the table (after learning someone else would be picking up the check for the meal).

There are many other fine places to eat up there.  I have enjoyed very enjoyable meals at Paoletti's in downtown Highlands and at Lakeside on Harris Lake. The Orchard in Cashiers has some fine fresh cuisine (although you need to BYOB).

One thing all these places have in common, besides the scallions, litres and bears, is the fact that on a Friday or Saturday night in season you can't throw a napkin without hitting a Gumper up for the weekend.  Indeed, so many of us go there so often that they speak Gumper there and accept our money.

Scallions and Litres and Bears! Oh my! What a weekend!

Bottoms Up Beer and D' Road Cafe

Unlike some Gumpers, I did not give up adult beverages for Lent. As a pooch with opposable dew claws, if I were so inclined I would have to give up something more canine appropriate such as sniffing butts or eating yummy pressed chicken jerky. So in the unexplained absence of Allpots I am filling in with a couple of reviews that may be of interest to those of you who occasionally venture outside of the Gump.

Fresh Venezuelan/Italian Fare

First, I want to give a shout out to D' Road Cafe which is located in the same strip center as Mr. G's Italian and Greek Restaurant (see our prior review here). It's run by a nice Venezuelan couple who emigrated to the U.S. to live the American Dream of owning their own business. Janet, I believe her name is, runs the kitchen and sets the menu. They provide a traditional meat and three steam table for lunch that always has something special influenced by their home country which, I have learned, is highly influenced by Italian cuisine. Why that is I do not know, but Janet told me it was true so I believe it.

The "Pepito": It's a Dandy.

Our friends on Facebook mentioned the place some time ago and the descriptions of the Pepito Sandwich drew me like a puppy to a chew toy. This steak sandwich is served on homemade bread and served with fresh spices, onions and green stuff. Its a real treat that travels well on the to-go. You might want to call ahead to make sure they have not exhausted their fresh buns before you get there. When you pick up your Pepito, ask Janet why they named the place D'Road Cafe.

Notice the petite fan in the plaid kilts.

My other contribution involves an invention I was told was dreamed up by two Colgate or Cornell college students and, as you would suspect, involves the efficient delivery of beer. While visiting my cousins Beau and Maui--two Westies who rule Cen-Flo--I happened to find myself at a Phillies Spring Training Game in Clearwater, FL being played on St. Patty's day. I learned two things: (1) Phillies fans take St. Patty's day very seriously and (2) they serve beer there in cups that fill from the bottom and do not leak (except when a drunken fan sticks his finger in the bottom to see how it seals). Hard to describe how it works but I did take a video that is posted up on YouTube with some of my favorite videos of me playing and doing my tricks. The link to the video is here. We've got to get one of these in the Gump soon, I say. It would be very cool if they could get them at Riverwalk before the Biscuits opener April 15. No spills no foam.

The best thing since adding wheels to luggage....

And, if anyone sees Allpots hiding from the crowds but eying their adult beverages, give him a message from me: Come April 9th we will welcome you back with open forepaws.