Fearless and Expendable: LITG Debuts Elite Recon Squad

Gump Guinea Pigs hit the salad bar at the barracks.
Waiting for a mission.

Today the Lunch in the Gump Secret Committee (they know who they are) announced the formation of the Gump Guinea Pigs, an elite unit of first-strike commandos dedicated to keeping the Gump safe for gastronomy.

The "Pigs" are dedicated to the memory of LITG co-founders Doyle B. Cooper, who perished in a freak accident with a Chris' Dog, and Theodore "Ted" Binion, who was tragically smothered by a Sundown East hamburger steak.

The Secret Committee made the final decision to establish the Pigs after three veteran LITG reviewers nearly committed suicide after a trip to newly-opened Momma Nem's.

"They never shoulda sent us to that joint," said long-time gumper and Momma Nem's survivor Fat Clemenza. "We didn't know what hit us. We coulda been wiped out."

In a press release, the Secret Committee announced that henceforth any newly-opened restaurant will be visited first by the Gump Guinea Pigs before any formal review by Gump regulars. The Pigs are specially trained for rapid deployment, reconnaissance, escape and evasion. They are highly intelligent, resourceful and exhibit a fearlessness matched only by Gurkha warriors and short drunks with Napoleon complexes.

The typical Gump Guinea Pig mission is to enter an establishment, evaluate wait time and competence of staff, sample the menu, assess pricing, check for roaches and such, settle up and then haul ass to the extraction point for debriefing later at Gump HQ. Each Pig must also demonstrate a hardy constitution and the ability to survive spoiled meat, canned vegetables and surly waitresses.

"Hell, in my last job I had West Nile Virus injected directly into my bloodstream," said the Pigs' commanding officer. "I think I can handle a little bad Chinese."

The Secret Committee also announced the Pigs' first assignment, a successful recon mission to Harper's, the new downtown eatery in the space formerly occupied by the Regions Bank cafeteria. Harper's is operated by the Culinary Arts Department of Trenholm State Technical College. LITG's resident elitist snob, Chase N. Allpots, said of the Harper's mission, "If ever there was an operation that called for courage and expendability, this one was it."

Well, at least your tax dollars aren't
being wasted on fancy signage.

At Harper's, the Guinea Pigs learned, among other things, that the main entrance to the old Regions Bank is sealed, so you have to go around back where the drive-thru used to be, then follow the rather inconspicuous signage and take an elevator to the 2nd floor, then down a half-flight of stairs into Harper's. At the de-briefing it was also revealed that the place is only open on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and then only during certain parts of the TSTC academic calendar.

One key bit of intelligence uncovered by the Pigs was that Harper's is a favorite of Judge Roy Moore and his staff of fundraisers, bodyguards, yes-men and flunkies. This valuable information was relayed to long-time LITG reviewer Tojo Yamamoto, who adheres not to the Ten Commandments but to the Three Essential Truths, which are:

1) We are all going to die;
2) When the IRS wants their money, they are going to get their money; and
3) A man will do just about anything for food or sex.

"Judge Moore make Tojo uncomfortable," said Tojo, with his usual brevity.

Lastly, the Pigs found the food at Harper's to be quite good and reasonably priced. High praise was given to the Chicken Pontalba, a New Orleans favorite, and the gumbo was well-received. The cornbread was judged to be Carp-worthy. Tea and water glasses remained filled and the Pigs were in and out in less than 30 minutes. The post-action medical examination of the Pigs (24 hours after each mission, no exceptions) revealed full gastrointestinal function and no ill effects.

Thanks to the Gump Guinea Pigs, the Gump regulars now feel safe to do a full review.