Dining with a Badass Honey Badger Who Doesn't Give a ....

During this holiday season many of us are invited to events where we share our table with others which usually offers us the joy of meeting new people or, at the very least, getting to know casual acquaintances better.  That is not always the case, however.  Not, at least, when you dine with a honey badger.

Sharing two for one steaks at Gumpwood CC with a honey badger is, to say the least, an ear-opening experience because, as you will read, Honey Badgers don't care. They say and take what they want. Nothing is too ridiculous, scandalous or pompous for a badass honey badger to tackle. (For a funny video on the honey badger narrated by Randall click here .  After you watch that, read what happened at Gumpwood recently):

While enjoying some very well prepared dry-aged  steak a la William, our Gumpwood Honey Badger enjoyed his 2009 Kosta Browne  Pinot Noir and filet mignon (for one for some reason) and, after very little prodding, began first to announce how he had figured out women while in college in the 60s. Most honey badgers are well-known horn dogs. But our local Honey Badger had the following secret: (1) Learn to dance well; (2) Wear nice clothes and (3) Listen to them (which is funny because the Honey Badger did not listen to any of the women at the table the entire evening). Of course, after hearing these ideas, the women within earshot were nodding in agreement like King Cobras about to have their heads bitten off. To break his spell I decided to make a joke.

"Well, why don't we talk about something non-controversial...like politics?"

Did the Honey Badger get the hint?  Hell no.  The Honey Badger don't care. He's pretty badass. No, he dug right into that subject like a honey badger tearing into a angry beehive. After first suggesting we needed another Lee Harvey Oswalt to take care of business (which was a joke) our Honey Badger proceeded to announce his distaste for all Republican candidates except nutty Ron Paul who thinks we should allow Iran to have nukes. He pounced on Newt because of his prior infidelities much to the glee of the women.  But despite their stings of indignation concerning the Honey Badger's attack on Mitt or Michelle, the Honey Badger kept on going until he had offended about everyone--twice! Then he said: "Anyone who is still a Democrat or Republican today is a dumb f*ck!" Aloud. Out loud and LOUD! Honey Badger don't care.  Honey Badger don't give a sh*t.  He just says what he wants. He then hit his conspiracy theories on about any subject you can imagine: The Kennedy assassination, AIDs and the CIA, the Siegleman Trial, City Grill moving to Hampstead etc.

Despite the expected futility of my actions, I tried now to take the heat off the Honey Badger which was palpably growing around him.  "Heh, heh, that's rich.  Say, why don't we move on to polite conversation on a subject like....religion.  Heh heh...."

The Honey Badger just blinked his cold black eyes, grinned with his pointy incisors like the Cheshire Cat and then tore into the subject with all the aplomb of Gingrich declaring that Palestinians were a made-up peoples. Obviously, the Honey Badger don't give a sh*t.  Baptists were "prudish priggs," Catholics were "pedophiles" or "pederasts," "greedy" Jews were "the cause of our recession," Episcopalians were "whiskeypalians," and atheists were "godless devils." Did I leave anyone out?  No, I don't believe he did. He may not have mentioned Buddhists or other so-called religions but I am probably mistaken. By the end of this rant, everyone at the table was wishing the Honey Badger would finish his No. 1 in 2011 wine and move on to plunder another beehive. Then, apparently because of his own mention of pedophiles, the Honey Badger hit the sordid Penn State/Sandusky mess with the finesse of a sledge hammer and the detail of a college sex-ed class.

After gorging on the sensibilities of those around him, the sated Honey Badger eventually left for another group of people to regale with his knowledge and wisdom and profane witticisms.

After he left, I raised my glass and proposed a toast: "As Morgan Freeman said in 'Bruce Almighty': It's Hell knowing everything."
 
My unspoken addition was: "And why in the world would an LSU defensive back want a nick-name like 'Honey Badger'?"



 
Honey Badger Takes What He Wants!