Luncheon Dust-Up at Gumpwood CC Proves that Apes Evolved from Club Members

Gumpwood f/k/a MCC: Scene of the Great Poking Incident of 2014

Now that our local Snobatorium located at the terminus of Fairview Avenue is no longer restricted, I have greatly enjoyed many a lunch there at the "Captains Table" in the "Men's Grill" with the manly men at my same station in life.  The  lunch buffet there is truly a thing of culinary beauty reasonably priced. (Aha, the connection to a Lunch in the Gump theme). The conversation is keen, spirited and conservative.  But, as we have previously noted in a prior post, lunch at Gumpwood CC can sometimes involve unabashed buffoonery and perhaps even an occasional kerfuffle. However, the correspondence from the participants in a recent dust-up have documented events so bizarre that acknowledging they occurred at your club would embarrass even the low-born members of what used to be called Bonnie Crest Country Club (soon to be a Wal-Mart) and perhaps even the usual rabble at Sundown East-home of "The Beast."

The protagonists--long time members of Gumpwood and the legal profession (I suppose I now use that term pejoratively)--were former members of the same law firm. One of them, as you will recall from a previous post, has the grace and tact of a Honey Badger. The other has an ego that can fill any room. It has been said they deserved each other as partners. In any event, apparently on Oct. 1, 2014, these two bull moose had to be separated by a Marine staffer after some harsh and profane words were exchanged.  (One wag lamented that instead of separating them the Marine should have furnished each man a trenching tool.) However, due to the Marine's quick and brave action a true altercation was avoided and one would have hoped that when the dust settled these two attorneys would shake hands and make up.

Of course, for one to hope for a civilized resolution of hostilities between these two "gentlemen" it would require complete amnesia of their past history. For in truth, the end of physical hostilities was only the beginning of a bizarre display of literary buffoonery the likes of which Gumpwood has never before seen.

First came the account from the alleged victim of the Honey Badger.  It was written upon his formal law firm letterhead to the president of Gumpwood. It was by and large a blow by blow account of the events written without a hint of embarrassment. After naming all the witnesses to the dust-up, the author recounted that as he returned to the table with a plate of food the Honey Badger yelled: "You Mother F*er don't you ever send me a letter like you sent me or I am going to whip your ass!." Incorrectly thinking it was a joke the victim ignored the Honey Badger. But that only enraged the Honey Badger who pointed his boney finger yelling "You Mother F*er" while charging to the end of the table. The Badger then invited the author to "go outside so I can whip your ass right now."

At this point, perhaps, I should remind you that these two stalwarts of the legal profession are not 17 or 7 but each about 70 years old.

Here I will simply quote the victim:

"Everyone in the room watched (Honey Badger's) tirade. It is well know that (the Honey Badger) carries a pistol in his car and I am now highly nervous at how I am going to be able to use the facilities where I have been going for 40 years. I am over 70, diabetic and have had a triple bypass.  I do not intend to have my life end at Gumpwood Country Club being assaulted by (the Honey Badger), a known bully and blow hard."

The victim ended his correspondence with a plea to the good judgment of the club president as to how to address the "assault" of the Honey Badger ("I actually think his finger poked me in the chest.")  Although criminal charges were considered, the victim developed some modicum of judgment and decided not to press charges because it would only drag his witness friends further into the middle of  "this absurdity."

One would like to also assume the victim's letter was not intended for public consumption.  Not so with the response of the Honey Badger who, after apparently mulling over whether to respond for a few days, on Oct. 7 set the tone of his letter to the club president in the second sentence when he replied with accusations of unethical and deceitful conduct. This letter, and the letter to which it responds, began circulating the internet shortly after Oct. 7.

It got even more personal. The victim's appeal to sympathy due to his age and medical problems carried no weight with the Honey Badger: "I am so sorry [the victim] is a diabetic and I suggest he quit stuffing his fat little toady face and get in shape.  [The victim] being 70 means nothing to me. I am 71 and have chosen not to deteriorate into an amoeba-shaped squid."

The above statements appeared on the letterhead of the same law firm in which the victim had previously been a partner.

Having thoroughly insulted his victim, the Honey Badger went on to essentially agree with every fact set forth by the victim EXCEPT the "poking" claim. While admitting he had about all he could take from "this limaceous cretin," the Honey Badger emphatically denied touching the cretin because: "I learned a long time ago to never put one's hand in garbage."

"See here you limaceous cretin!"

The one bright light in all of this came in the form of an anonymous "editorial" in the "Montgomery Egadvertiser." The editorial first reminded the reader of the famous Scopes "Monkey Trial" of 1925 which escalated the long standing debate between creationists and evolutionists.  The editorial noted:

"In an ironic twist, a related matter was partially and inadvertently settled during the first week of October in the Men's Grill at the Gumpwood Country Club in Montgomery, Alabama. Two septuagenarian members, while not addressing the question of whether man evolved from monkeys, did prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt that, in at least two instances, monkeys did certainly evolve from human beings. This episode also provides empirical evidence that not having the oxygen level set high enough on your CPAP machine will assuredly result in irreversible brain damage. Furthermore, it debunked the belief that there is no way that the food in the Men's Grill could ever be made any more unappetizing. Spectators report that the events of that day were reminiscent of scenes at the old Copa Club on a Saturday Night at closing time during the 70's. "

The gratuitous dig at the food in the Men's Grill was, in my opinion, a cheap shot but the other observations are spot on.

Our anonymous author concluded:

"Well no one can envy the Gumpwood Board of Directors who will have to mediate this dispute. It's kind of like trying to choose the cleanest sheet in the Ebola Clinic in Liberia."

Did I mention Gumpwood is having a membership drive?

Unused name tags at Montgomery County Bar Association Holiday Party

Dining with a Badass Honey Badger Who Doesn't Give a ....

During this holiday season many of us are invited to events where we share our table with others which usually offers us the joy of meeting new people or, at the very least, getting to know casual acquaintances better.  That is not always the case, however.  Not, at least, when you dine with a honey badger.

Sharing two for one steaks at Gumpwood CC with a honey badger is, to say the least, an ear-opening experience because, as you will read, Honey Badgers don't care. They say and take what they want. Nothing is too ridiculous, scandalous or pompous for a badass honey badger to tackle. (For a funny video on the honey badger narrated by Randall click here .  After you watch that, read what happened at Gumpwood recently):

While enjoying some very well prepared dry-aged  steak a la William, our Gumpwood Honey Badger enjoyed his 2009 Kosta Browne  Pinot Noir and filet mignon (for one for some reason) and, after very little prodding, began first to announce how he had figured out women while in college in the 60s. Most honey badgers are well-known horn dogs. But our local Honey Badger had the following secret: (1) Learn to dance well; (2) Wear nice clothes and (3) Listen to them (which is funny because the Honey Badger did not listen to any of the women at the table the entire evening). Of course, after hearing these ideas, the women within earshot were nodding in agreement like King Cobras about to have their heads bitten off. To break his spell I decided to make a joke.

"Well, why don't we talk about something non-controversial...like politics?"

Did the Honey Badger get the hint?  Hell no.  The Honey Badger don't care. He's pretty badass. No, he dug right into that subject like a honey badger tearing into a angry beehive. After first suggesting we needed another Lee Harvey Oswalt to take care of business (which was a joke) our Honey Badger proceeded to announce his distaste for all Republican candidates except nutty Ron Paul who thinks we should allow Iran to have nukes. He pounced on Newt because of his prior infidelities much to the glee of the women.  But despite their stings of indignation concerning the Honey Badger's attack on Mitt or Michelle, the Honey Badger kept on going until he had offended about everyone--twice! Then he said: "Anyone who is still a Democrat or Republican today is a dumb f*ck!" Aloud. Out loud and LOUD! Honey Badger don't care.  Honey Badger don't give a sh*t.  He just says what he wants. He then hit his conspiracy theories on about any subject you can imagine: The Kennedy assassination, AIDs and the CIA, the Siegleman Trial, City Grill moving to Hampstead etc.

Despite the expected futility of my actions, I tried now to take the heat off the Honey Badger which was palpably growing around him.  "Heh, heh, that's rich.  Say, why don't we move on to polite conversation on a subject like....religion.  Heh heh...."

The Honey Badger just blinked his cold black eyes, grinned with his pointy incisors like the Cheshire Cat and then tore into the subject with all the aplomb of Gingrich declaring that Palestinians were a made-up peoples. Obviously, the Honey Badger don't give a sh*t.  Baptists were "prudish priggs," Catholics were "pedophiles" or "pederasts," "greedy" Jews were "the cause of our recession," Episcopalians were "whiskeypalians," and atheists were "godless devils." Did I leave anyone out?  No, I don't believe he did. He may not have mentioned Buddhists or other so-called religions but I am probably mistaken. By the end of this rant, everyone at the table was wishing the Honey Badger would finish his No. 1 in 2011 wine and move on to plunder another beehive. Then, apparently because of his own mention of pedophiles, the Honey Badger hit the sordid Penn State/Sandusky mess with the finesse of a sledge hammer and the detail of a college sex-ed class.

After gorging on the sensibilities of those around him, the sated Honey Badger eventually left for another group of people to regale with his knowledge and wisdom and profane witticisms.

After he left, I raised my glass and proposed a toast: "As Morgan Freeman said in 'Bruce Almighty': It's Hell knowing everything."
 
My unspoken addition was: "And why in the world would an LSU defensive back want a nick-name like 'Honey Badger'?"



 
Honey Badger Takes What He Wants!