Apocolyst Gump

What with all the turmoil in the world, sabre rattling, disasters and planes dropping from the sky one cannot help but this may be the beginning of the Apocalypse.  I mean, at this particular time we have:  (1) War in the Ukraine including a Malaysian civilian airliner shot from the sky; (2) Civil war in Iraq with the Sunni attacking the Shiite (which has never happened before except a few hundred times); (3) War in the Gaza strip between Israel and Hamas (again not unprecedented); (4) A still missing Malaysian airliner in the Indian Ocean; (5) An Ebola outbreak in Africa (6) A plane crash in Mail, Ethiopia, (7) A border crisis; and (8) Earthquakes in China. Even "traditional" societal mores have been falling like dominoes at a pace never before seen.  Heck, at the current rate of social change, Alabama will soon allow gay marriages, gambling and marijuana sales. Dogs and cats living together will be next.  It's really only a matter of time isn't it? Some even suggest our President should be impeached as the Antichrist. Woe, dismay and worry abound. Other than the gloomy news, there is very little news at all.  No wonder all I watch are Doomsday Preppers and The Food Network.

Which, as always, leads me to thinking about Lunch in the Gump.  Assuming the impending collapse of society and the decay of our lunch system as we now know it, I have been thinking about where I would eat while the food was still fresh and hot and then work my way through the remaining restaurants until I have to start foraging. Then I think about the order of animals I would like on a spit as they are literally eaten out of existence. In other words, where would the food disappear from Gump restaurants first and what would be the last animal eaten before we hit "The Road" and start looking at our husky friends and seeing beefsteak.

Think about it, tomorrow the economic system collapses under runaway inflation and your money is no good but you have some 9 mm ammunition or other useful stuff to barter. Where do you do lunch knowing that they will not be open long before they run out of food and other supplies? You need to plan and make a list: Apoca-list Gump!

For me making that list is tough.  Where would I go first?   Right now I would go to Derk's first, give him 10 rounds for his pistol and have a good ole fried pork chop, some squash casserole and spicy cornbread chased by a still-cool bottle of fine pinot grigio. After all, he won the first and now defunct BCS Lunch Bowl championship and the most recent head-to-head survey challenge on the Lunch in the Gump Facebook Page.  I figure the Derk's lunch counter is adequately protected with butcher knives to hold out for a few hours if they gave the hungry zombies bottles of wine or used the bottles as clubs.  If True were still open for lunch, I would stop by there before bugging out but, alas, they are only open for dinner so I would have to just fondly remember by last terrific pork chop and pinot noir there with friends.

After Derk's was eventually overrun by hungry zombies, I would drive my SUV through the mob at full speed and travel over to Michael's Table for some of their Schnitzel and another glass of now room temperature white.  Don't know what I could barter they would care about but some of my fishing lures might interest the chef.  Some may say the best move would be Bud's on the theory that not even the Zombies could find it.  However, I say move downtown and then north to the largest water supply: Lake Martin.

An artist's conception of apocalypse-crazed zombie chile poblano seeking revenge.

 I would stay at Michael's until the ditch behind Zelda Place filled with hungry Chile Poblanos seeking revenge on the patrons of nearby La Zona Rosa.  I would then duck in to Chicken Salad Chick and see if they would "sell me" at gunpoint a quart of their regular chicken salad needed seriously "TO GO" before the Poblano's overrun the area.  Failing that I would rev up the SUV, now covered with blood and gore, and head for Central downtown squishing hundreds of Poblanos along the way.  There I would feast on what was left of Chef Leo's calamari, assuming it was still fresh.

Of course, by this time the sea food at Capital Oyster Bar would be quickly losing its shell-food life and may have to be avoided although it would be temptingly close to the relative safety of the Alabama river which is full of all sorts of questionably palatable river life.  Zombies do not swim although they can walk along the bottom of the river and pop up on the other side.  It is important to treat the river shoreline like a wildebeest expecting crocodiles would.

With my "bug-out" kit full of chicken salad and 9 mm rounds beside me I would then head up to Lake Martin to a secret spot on the water where deer seem to abound. I would think the dams would halt the underwater march of zombies north from the Gump.   But then again, the march from Georgia south perhaps would cause a pile up against the structure. Let the Georgia Zombie War begin!

After cleaning out the deer I would move to the squirrels, then the raccoons and foxes all the while fishing hard for crappie and bass.  I would eventually move on to the polite little chipmunks and then the various birds hitting my feeder.  When that supply was exhausted, I suppose it would be time to give up--even if armadillos were plentiful.  I mean, if you look in the mirror or your reflection in a stream and see yourself eating an armadillo, it may be time to go to..... McDonalds?

Seriously, things have got to get better soon or we will all be fighting over the last shipment of Chicken McNuggets so infused with preservatives that they will last 50 years without refrigeration as we all speak Russian or Arabic.   What is Russian for a Chicken McNugget anyway? Цыпленок McСамородок. This is pronounced: Cureetza McCrapeeza.  Somehow that sounds right. Things at that point could not get any worse.

Pray for Some International Sanity and Stay Hungry My Friends!  Remember our Motto:

 

LITG Halloween Special: The Night of the Living Poblanos!

They appear docile. Some are bilingual and wear sombreros. But none are to be trifled with.


Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the water or, perhaps, the drainage ditch, they attack.

Any LITG regular knows from which they come. It is from this way they come. And there is nothing more horrible than a furious, voracious, or, even worse, a wounded Chile Poblano.

They are offered on many menus. But. But. When angered. When not held at bay. They can attack. They can attack like Michael Meyers on Halloween. They can attack like an Alien in the belly of an actor with a terrible English accent. And it is not pretty. Not pretty at all.

How do you protect yourself from a crazed chile poblano? A knife? No. Not a knife. They laugh at knives...the poblano nation laughs at sharp objects.

A fork? Used with a knife, yes, that is the ticket.

Yes, a fork in the skilled hand of a Lunch in the Gump contributor is the only thing that can counter the terror of hearing the low moan of a crazed zombie poblano. Aim for the brain (what little there is of it). That is where the virus lives or, more accurately, festers. Try to ignore the tasty brown stuffing. Remember to Double Tap.

We've encountered them at La Zona Rosa and other "Mexican" restaurants. We have backed them down. But none of us have really met them in their element. We've never faced them when they have emerged from a tub of salsa during the night.

Be afraid. Be very afraid....

Shadow Pup with vanquished poblano. She's their nightmare on Boxwood.

Celebrating the End of Winter at La Zona Rosa

Winter is over when the Chile Poblano does not see its shadow

Forget that stupid ground hog from PA, I know winter is over when I hear laughter from the al fresco diners on the La Zona Rosa balcony wafting down into the parking lot as I walk up the stairs to the entrance of this local "Mexican" favorite. Yes, I know that this is not "authentic" Mexican food. I know the cuisine here is some sort of bastardized combination of Central American dishes prepared to Southern American tastebuds, but that does not stop me from returning regularly, especially when its a beautiful day in the Gumperhood. The price (entrees under $8), as they say, is right and the service is quicker than Speedy Gonzales. Since everthing tastes the same to me I say order any number between 1 and 50 and you will be satisfied.

I have tried the "Especiales de la Casa" No. 46: Burrito Zihuatanejo (shredded beef and beans wrapped in a tortillia topped with a white cheese sauce). It looked and tasted just like the No. 48: Chimichanga Tojo ordered and the Burrito Especiall of Fat Clemenza. How the waiter tells them apart must be similar to the way parents of identical twins distinguish their offspring. Nevertheless, everyone was satisfied with the meal and I liked the XX on tap with a lime slice. The bottom line is that this is a well-run restaurant that consistently serves decent food at a very reasonable price and we in the Gump are easily pleased.

Taste Confusion at La Zona Rosa

A Confounded Chile Poblano Eyes His Plate Mates

My squeeze and I are fans of La Zona Rosa as are many of the posters on this blog. On a typical Thursday night you will see the Z-Red restaurant chocked full to the gills with locals chowing down on the reasonably priced "South of the Border" fare. The service is good, the atmosphere friendly and the al fresco dining area a pleasant spot to dine in decent weather. In other words we like La Zona Rosa as our two former posts attest.

But....(and you knew this was coming didn't you?)....the truth is some of the various menu items do taste the same.  For example, in the above picture there are three items.  One is obviously a curious, furious or ravenous Chile Poblano.  However, can you possibly identify the two items the Poblano is gazing at?  Well, according to the menu, one is a burrito and one is an enchilada.  And not only do they look alike, I closed my eyes and could not tell one bit of difference in taste between the two.  What is more disconcerting is the fact that when I finally subdued and gutted the Poblano, it was stuffed with stuff that tasted just like the stuff inside the enchilito or the burlada (cross between a burrito and enchilada).  Just what that stuff is I have no clue.  Where the stuffing comes from I have no clue.

Now, is it all fairly tasty? Si senor. Do I have any problem with the meal itself? No senor. Was the meal only $7.50? Si, si senor. I'm just sayin': If there is no difference in taste between a burrito and enchilada why do they have such different names? I'm just askin'. I mean, is this stuff shipped in from some meat filling factory in Mexico or Guatemala where all the "Mexican" restaurants get the same stuff? Is that why a lot of "Mexican" food in the Gump tastes the same? Is there like some Mexican McDonalds that standardizes the meat you get so you are never disappointed nor delighted with your meal? Just askin'.  No disrespect intended.  I'm not going Shadow Pup on anyone here. It's just that inquiring and hung-over minds want to know.

Comments welcome.

Man vs. Meatball Parm

Meatball Parm Sandwich at Sa-Zas

One of the grossest or, depending on your point of view, most wonderful shows on the Travel Channel is "Man vs. Food" where some overweight guy with curly black hair named Adam Richmond searches out and destroys the largest, fattest dishes served up by Hamburger King-like places all over America.  Tonight it was a "Double Judd" in Boise, Idaho.  A "Double Judd" is two one-pound cheeseburgers on buns the size of Frisbees. On other episodes you meet the "Ultimate Destroyer," "Burgersarus" and the "Big Ugly Burger."  All of which this Adam guy tries to devour in record time and usually does.

They look like this:

Big Ugly Burger: 2 lbs of meat

"Ultimate Destroyer": Seven kinds of meat on one sandwich

Two yahoos try to eat the "Burgersaurus"

Well today, at Sa-Za's during lunch, I felt like I was shooting an episode of "Man vs. Food." It went down like this:

I was in a hurry and wanted to walk. My options--in my pea brain--were a quick $5 sausage from "The Hot Dog Guy" street vendor or the other restaurants on Commerce/Tallapoosa.  Walking down Commerce I saw Joe DiMaggio sitting outside at Sa-Zas conspiring with what looked like partners or potential investors so I looked inside and saw that there were open seats at the chef's table.  Usually the place is too crowed for a quickie, but today I was in luck so I popped in and sat at the counter and chose the "Mama's Meatball Parm Sandwich" (or something close to that name.)


The service was quick but when the sandwich arrived I knew something was afoot. Surely they did not expect a human to be able to eat this as a sandwich?  Why, I couldn't pick up 1/2 of the thing with both hands and certainly never could have gotten even a corner of it into my mouth. It was huge.  Why, to give you the proper perspective, I submit the following photo with a live Chile Poblano from La Zona Rosa on the side:

The Meatballs dwarf a surprised adult Chile Poblano (shown actual size)

 I had to give up on the idea of treating this thing like a sandwich and began the humiliating process of simply folding away the top slab of bread and cutting the meatballs covered with sauce and cheese with a fork and knife.  Here's the good part, although I ate like a little girl, the meatballs--sans bread--were outstanding.  However, I had to admit that even by avoiding all the bread and the crisps, I was not able to finish the four meatballs on the sandwich. It was just too much.  Man-0/Food-1.

What was perhaps even more amazing was the price: $9.  Which by my count would be less than .50 per ounce of delicious meatballs. Terrific flavor and a reasonable price, but at a tremendous cost to the male ego for having to ponder asking for a "go box."

Incidentally, as I slinked away in shame with my little go box full of leftovers, I noticed DiMaggio in a vacant space on the inside of The Alley Station talking with the same group of partners/investors.  Could there be another restaurant in The Alley afoot?  One hopes so.

La Zona Rosa Foils Stomach Claw

La Zona Rosa

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WARNING: Inside Joke: A Bammer fan named Danny posted on OU website before big game against Oklahoma a response to Sooner claim that Bama D-Line was small. He said: "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog--Paul 'Bear' Bryant" Of course, Sooner fans who had actually been to a college knew that quote belonged to Mark Twain. So, for months, the string of abuse of Danny on the blog involved attributing every quotable line you can think of to "The Bear." Are you with me here? If so, move on....
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"Once we were lost, but now we're found"--Paul W. Bryant.

After suggesting a repeat visit to our favorite Taco Tongue a/k/a El Taqueria De Cantero, Tojo and Fat Clemenza learned the hard way that not all restaurants in the Gump are open on Monday, especially the ones where no one speaks English. But as quick as he was in the wrestling ring, Tojo adroitly changed plans: La Zona Rosa ("The Pink Zone") would be the target since it was right down the road at 2838 Zelda Scott Fitzgerald Road.

Open about four years now, the Pink Zone has become somewhat of a local favorite for Mexican (and Salvadorian) food. But somehow, it had avoided a visit from the LITG gang until today. A full quorum of gastric bypass experts assembled: Tojo the Hungry; Fat Clemenza the Starved; B-Diddy; Show Dog; He Who Has No Nickname and, yours truly, Shadow Pup. Not in that order.

"A penny saved is a penny earned"--Paul W. Bryant.

What no one understood at the time, was that the lunch menu at La Zona Rosa may be the best deal in the Gump. Just look at this menu for lunch:

That "Create your own lunch" part makes your typical overweight American/Tojo assume that you would have to get 3 or four of the selections to comprise a full meal. Not so fast salsa breath. After gorging on "complimentary" chips and salsa (a little too sweet) while waiting for (shocker) The Show Dog, the size of each of just three selections is way more than a normal person can eat unless just released from "The Biggest Loser." But Tojo, who is no ordinary person, went for the FOUR entree lunch, including something called a "Chile Poblano." Just what that is I cannot say. You decide for yourself:

You must keep the Chile Poblano at bay at all times.

Regardless of the appearance, this little Poblano put up slight resistance and was quite tasty. The problem was that even Tojo failed to devour the little fellow. It was sad to see Tojo frustrated by the seemingly endless supply of tacos, tortillas and refried beans.

Foiled by the size of the 4 entre lunch, Tojo retaliated with the "Stomach Claw"...it was his only defense.


"What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."--Paul W. Bryant.

As usual, the combination of knowledge of a full LITG crowd boggles the mind. It was the nameless one, I think, who reminded the table that La Zona Rosa serves Carnitas to die for at night but you have to order early or they run out.

"Ask not what your Country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your Country."--Paul W. Bryant.

In our case, we ask for separate checks and Pepto. Once again, over served at no fault of our own but comfortable in the fact that we were able to gorge ourselves on some pretty fine Mexican food for $6.50 with free water you can drink from the tap! Quite a deal. Perhaps the best deal in the known Gump.

Oh, I almost forgot to show you where La Zona Rosa is located. Here is the map from their web site:

Yeah, that's a big help....it's somewhere in the Gump.

Although we left bloated and in need of naps, all in all the gang appeared to enjoy our experience at La Zona Rosa--except perhaps Tojo who suffered a little bump in the road to his manhood by a giant Chile Poblano served 'head-on' at a place known as the "Pink Zone."

"Think Pink"--Paul W. "Bear" Bryant.