Country's Barbecue. Like a room at the Radisson. Nice, but nothing special.

Zelda Rd./Ann St. -- the geographic center
of the Gump. The Q at Country's is
also right in the middle.

If you read about Tojo's brush with starvation at Cantina Tortilla Grill, then you know we aren't taking chances with any small portion sissy-food joints, at least not any time soon. So once we sprung our massive Asian friend from Jackson Hospital we motored one exit to the east and hit Country's Barbecue.

I can almost hear your whining now... "But Country's is a chain," you cry, like little piglets stuck under a gate. Well, that's true, it's a chain, but it isn't much of a chain, and it started in Columbus, GA, which is basically Auburn, so it more or less fits the LITG standard that chains have gotta have some kind of an Alabama connection.

Here's the deal with Country's: it's AVERAGE. The pork is good, not great. Chopped or sliced, but not pulled (they can get more gristle in that way). The ribs are fine, just not dandy. Same with the chicken.

Here are actual quotes from actual Gumpers, recorded last Monday after lunch at Country's:

Big Easy Slim - "That was... well... it wasn't great. I'll come back in a year or so."

BB MAK - "I've had worse."

Tojo Yamamoto - "Pork gristly. Ribs OK. Chicken not so bad. Brunswick stew good but little on tangy side for Tojo. French fries soggy. Beans good. Corn on cob frozen but interesting to Tojo. Grilled onions nice touch. Chef salad make good appetizer."

Shadow Pup - "They wouldn't let me in. I tried to tell them I was Tojo's service animal but they weren't buying it."

Cornbread Carp - "I was given a choice of french bread, something called 'light bread' and cornbread. I said, for the love of God, don't you know who I am?"

Catfish - "There I was, not five minutes from Jim & Nick's and y'all make me drive all the way from East Gump for this?"

Fat Clemenza - "Would it kill us to drive up to Pratt Vegas and stop in at Fat Boy's? Huh? Would it? Just once?"

Chase N. Allpots - "My word."

The overriding sentiment appeared to be that nobody left Country's hungry. This is not a ringing endorsement for a barbecue joint. Hell, barbecue joints are supposed to spark spirited debate between their respective devotees and detractors. Why, I myself almost came to blows with some numbnuts who tried to convince me that Cotton's sauce (Eclectic) is better than Jim's (unincorporated Autauga County). What an idiot.

Here's a typical Country's barbecue plate:

If they pulled it instead of chopping it, they'd move up the charts a little.

BIG DIGRESSION # 1 - Rank 'Em

Top Hat BBQ. I-65 N, about 30 miles past B'ham.
Blount Springs exit. Turn right. Go a few miles. Thank me later.

There are 765 barbecue joints in Alabama (I dare you to prove otherwise), including some of the world's finest. Here they are, all 765, ranked in numerical order of awesomeness (skipping a few for the sake of brevity):

1. Top Hat (Blount Springs)
2. Jim's (US 82 somewhere between Billingsley and God-knows-where)
3. B'HAM Q (see guest review/big digression #2 below)
4. Johnny's (Cullman)
5. Dreamland #1 (Jug Factory Road, Tuscaloosa)
6. Green Top (Dora) * saw a guy get shot in there one time *
7. Big Bob Gibson's (Decatur)
8. Bob Sykes (Bessemer)
9. Big Cove B-B-Q (Huntsville)
10. Fat Boy's (Pratt Vegas, aka The Preferred Community)
.
.
.
17. Twix & Tween (Centreville, still damn good, mind your speed)
.
.
.
383. Country's (Montgomery)(smack dab in the middle)
.
.
.
765. Cotton's (Lake Martin)

I would have included Archibald's (Northport/Tuscaloosa) in the Top 10 but I heard there was some sort of a problem with their business license... something about folks selling crack in the parking lot, people hanging out, acting the fool, etc. They opened a new location off Skyland but it may have been blown away last month. I'm not sure about all this but will check it out before football season.

Anyway, back on topic. Country's. Average. If Country's was a ballplayer it would be Mario Mendoza.

Lifetime batting average: .215

If Country's were a white band, it would be the Average White Band.

AWB's drummer, Steve Ferrone (the only black member
of the otherwise lily-white Scottish funkstompers), has been
the drummer for Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers since 1994.

If Country's was some guy, that guy would be named "Joe."

If Country's... ahh, screw it, you get the point.

BIG DIGRESSION #2 - B'ham "Q"
There are quite a few great BBQ joints in the B'ham area, although I don't frequent them very often. Usually when my business (refereeing cockfights) takes me to the 'Ham, I like to settle in for some big-city chow at Highland's Bar & Grill, Bottega, Hot & Hot Fish Club or some of the other establishments where the beautiful people dine and whine. So I called on my old pal and noted food expert Jimmy Fat Dog (no relation to Shadow Pup) to clue me in on the best of Magic City BBQ. Here is his take on the B'ham smoked meat scene.

Ribs: Golden Rule in Irondale. Baby backs are fantastic. None of those bullshit fern-bar baby backs… these are cooked on the pit right in front of your eyes. Don’t say, “What about Dreamland?” Dreamland’s big fatty-ass ribs can’t touch these.

Pork: Golden Rule and Jim & Nicks are both good, but I think for pure Q I like
Half Moon BBQ. Former Tide assistant coach Pat James originally started Half Moon. Upon his retirement from the gridiron he opened a little BBQ joint on the Southside. Big hit and some savvy Greek restaurateurs eventually bought him out. Now there are several locations around town and I believe they have franchised a couple of locations up the east coast.

Beef: BBQ beef sucks. Let Texans eat that shit.

Chicken: Miss Myra’s in Cahaba Heights. Outstanding BBQ Chicken. They also do a smoked chicken salad. I don’t mean a salad with sliced chicken on it… I mean the traditional country club chicken salad but made with smoked chicken. Very good.

Hamburger Steak: All real BBQ joints offer an HBS. Lloyd's BBQ on HY 280 wrote the book and the Golden Rule in Irondale has a good one as well.

I could go on and on about the sides. Golden Rule has the best fries and good onion rings. Lloyd's has the best onion rings. Golden Rule has a good slaw. All the above joints have acceptable beans.

Also, it is very important to note that when I refer to the Golden Rule, it should be noted, only the Golden Rule in Irondale is worth a shit.

Thanks JFD.

So anyway. Country's is average. So if you get a powerful BBQ jones you are just gonna have to go over the wall. Maybe way, way over the wall.