Off Probation, Shadow Pup Testifies Before Congress on the Egg/Salmonella Scare

It was a dog and monkey show.

[Ed. Note: After much gnashing of teeth and soul-searching (including bowing to the whinning of Shadow Pup in the comments section of the "Don't Make Us Kill This Dog Post") we decided not to put the Pup down for his recent rant on Katrina victims. Instead, we held a "Tammy Trial" and decided he/she was guilty as charged but should be sentenced to "time served." It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the Shadow Pup was called to testify before Congress the same day as Stephen Colbert and is now a semi-celebrity.]

Shadow Pup's Statement Before Congress:

"Good morning. My name is Shadow Pup: blogger, pound puppy, comedian and resident of Alabama. I would like to thank the committee and its members for their time today and their open minds as I present my statement for the record.

I am intensely interested in the public health issues surrounding lunch. I have several months of experience in blogging about lunching in one of the toughest markets in America: The Gump. Due to my access to the internet, some people actually take me seriously. In August of 2010, in the midst of the salmonella firestorm (and while I was on blogging probation) I was welcomed by Colonel Sanders of the United Chicken Farmers of America as a guest at one of Alabama's thousands of chicken houses to discuss the impact on egg production of the Center for Disease Control's recall of 380 million eggs.

Because I love eggs and despise the inhumane treatment of laying chickens and the workers who tend them (as well as the smell of a production egg-house in the summer) in my interview with Sanders and in subsequent conversations with un-named sources, I learned of the 2,000 reports of salmonella poisoning linked to in-shell eggs originating from Iowa. Although most of the victims were fruits and nuts from California, as a comedian, food critic and satirist, the temptation of subjecting my character to manual labor in an egg house proved impossible to resist. I offered to feed, water and tend the birds.

Joined by Congresswoman Zoe Lofgren -- longtime advocate for chicken and farm workers' rights -- I traveled to northern Alabama, where I spent 2 hours collecting eggs, shoveling chicken sh*t and learning about the stark reality facing American egg farms and farm workers. I learned that many chickens are unhappy, egg farms are closing, chickens are laying fewer eggs or switching to being broilers. I learned some of the eggs can contain salmonella and can be dangerous if you do not cook them before you put them in a milkshake.

At the request of Congresswoman Lofgren, I am here today to share my experience as an blogger turned migrant worker and to shed light on what it means to truly take one of the millions of jobs filled by immigrant labor. They say that you truly know a chicken after you've spent a day in his cage, and while I have nowhere near the hardships of these struggling and noble yard birds, I have been granted a sliver of insight.

We have sent men to the moon and, with the technology developed from that endeavor, added wheels to luggage. Surely, with our vast riches we can figure out how to inspect each in-shell egg for the salmonella pathogen before one more person vomms. Failing that, as provided in the Commerce Clause of the U.S. Constitution, it is clear that it is the role of the federal government to protect us from our failure to fully cook our food by banning the sale of raw eggs to the public or by restaurants that do not hire documented U.S. citizens. I for one want my eggs laid by an American chicken in an American egg-house fully inspected by agents of the Department of Agriculture and several more by the Food and Drug Administration and then cooked by an American at the International House of Pancakes.
Some say this may cause the price of eggs to sextuple. I say, even if more regulation costs billions of dollars and a few hundred-thousand jobs, if it keeps one person from eating raw eggs and getting violently ill--or even dying--it will be worth it.

Thank you very much for the opportunity to share my testimony."

Shadow Pup making a point at Comedy Central/Congress