USA Wins Gump Gold!

Tommie Smith and John Carlos protest the closing of Victoryland while on the podium for Cookma's and Davis Cafe. The Aussie from "Outback" has no clue.

This has been an historic Olympic Winter Games for the U.S.A. Record medal counts: speed skating, hockey, nordic, snowboarding, downhill...errr.....ice dancing? Interesting sports: Curling (bowling on ice) and Ski X (greyhounds on snow). New heros: Ohno; Bode, Vonn, White, Mancuso, McGregor ...er...that 6'6" guy with a tub of mousse and black tights with the sequin snake around his neck.... Annywaaay, we had our own competition here in the Gump: The Gump Olympics Roman Numeral I.

It all started 1000 years ago at the shores of Lake Martin when the Gumpawhoo tribe was trapped on the shores at Kow-Liga by the fanatic Spartawa Tribe. It was then that Chief Hankipoo bade young brave Williamasa to send word to the home settlement at Towassa (now the Gump). After running the 26.21875 miles from Kow-Liga to Towassa (and swimming across the Alabama River) young Williamasa gave the news of the battle and collapsed of exhaustion and died at the site of what is now The Hank Williams Museum. The cause of death was actually food poisoning.  Hence the birth of the modern "Tri-Assalon" and modern-day health inspection. It was therefore appropriate that we descendants of the Gumpawhoos and current casino magnates should share our tragic history of restaurant reviews and "BINGO" largesse by handing out solid gold medals to celebrate the cuisines of the world as interpreted by Gump chefs and souse chefs.

It was a close competition for a few hours but it did not take long for "whitey" to take over just like they took all our land in exchange for the right to get even by operating casinos on the useless land they left us. Actually, it wasn't as fair a fight as Horseshoe Bend: There are 100 "American" restaurants in the Metro-Gump area which may or may not include 42 "barbecue" joints, 35 "seafood" places, 28 "southern & soul" restaurants, 19 "steakhouses", 81 "sandwhich/subs" houses; and three donut holes. The next highest "ethnic" cuisines are in this order: Mexican (47); Chinese (34); Italian (11); Japanese (7); Thai (5) and Indian (1)(Guess what it is named...). So actually, it should be no surprise that the final Medal Count was:

U.S.A.: 8

Mexico: 2

Thailand: 2

Italy: 1

India: 1

The big disappointments were the Red Chinese with ZERO hardware out of 34 entrants. When you compare the India 100% medal haul, someone ought to be guarding the border over there in case heads are going to egg roll.

Some of the memorable events included Hamburger King's Gold in the Burger luge and Scott Street Deli's Gold in the Nerf Sandwhich Throw. We were also proud of Cookma's Gold and the Davis Cafe's Silver in the Soul Food Relay. [See photo and links above]  But we Gumpawhoos are partial to our cousins in the real India and we were blown away by the Goat Roping Silver Medal secured by India Palace.

Maybe in four years when the Chinese own everything but our casinos will they be able to compete in the 2014 re-match. By then we may all be speaking Mandarin Chicken.

Originally posted on http://www.lunchinthegump.com/