Marina Re-opens on Shady Street: What would Cap'n Pat say?

The "Mariner"

We miss Old Cap'n Pat. He was a cantankerous crusty old fart, but he was curiously lovable and always interesting. When he "owned" the Marina Bar & Grill on Shady Street it was a seedy, grimey dump that probably violated every health, building and safety code the stateys have come up with. Heck, even dogs roamed the kitchen ("Dogs can't read the 'No Dogs Allowed' signs" said Capt. Pat). But despite the ramshackle lean-too architecture and shower curtain tree wraps, the place had a pirate feel and really good blue-cheese burgers. It attracted large crowds for lunch and was a pretty cool place to watch the sunset and quaff a brew after pretending to work.

I was real interested to see for myself what the "New" Marina Bar & Grill (note no "e" on the end) would be like when I heard they reopened for lunch on Tuesday of this week. So I took a few of my minions to lunch on the bosses' dime Thursday and drove them past the rusty Sabel Steel yard, over the potholes and through the rows of shacks to the appropriately named Shady Street where the "Mariner" (as we locals call it) precariously sits on a bluff overlooking the Alabama River.

Appearances can be deceiving but appearances have improved. The new owner, Capt. John Bull (the harmonica player and riverboat captain) has cleaned up the place and gotten rid of most of the horrible furniture and dusty things hanging from the roof. (I may miss the permanently inflated puffer fish though). The tables and chairs looked like they had been purchased from a high class Chinese restaurant. The floors were clean and the outside patio on the west side had been finally completed. The deck had been cleaned up, the railing fortified and those ugly shower curtains removed. The place actually looked like it may have a chance to pass a health inspection without any threats or "bribes" from Capt. Pat. No dogs in the area. I am not sure Capt. Pat would approve of knuckling under to Big Brother, but the place does look nicer. There is no doubt about that.

The patio deck sans pooches.

But as Old Tojo might say: "Yin and Yang very powerful. Don't mess with Yin-Yang" What he means is: Where you improve in one area you may fall back in others. I am afraid to say that may be the case here, at least in the early stages of working out the kinks of a new operation.

Not that anything was bad. It was all tasty. But it was pure vanilla Gump lunch fare served on styrofoam plates with the kind of plastic forks and knives you have at picnics. Look at this picture of the blue cheeseburger.

Kinda plain looking isn't it?

Bacon was requested but, although it came with the club sandwhich, it could not be added to the burger. It was good but how badly can you screw up these ingredients? The old "Bleu" was much greasier and messier and thicker. It required a bib. No so much this tamer version.

I tried the ubiquitous hamburger steak. It was covered with gravy, mushrooms and onions and was a little thin but good nonetheless. It was served on a bed of bread which was somewhat unusual but I did not have to eat the bread so it did not interfere with my enjoyment of the protein.

Prices were comparable to other places but I have to say I have been spoiled at Lunde's where for the same price you can get cornbread, blackened pork loin and homecooked veggies with a little tang to them. The Marina is not the kind of place Chase N. Allpots or Whig in a Blanket would consider. Too sparse and basic. No tablecloths, no cutlery and no crockery. And I-your humble Cornbread Carp--could not find any cornbread and I am fairly certain no real butter was anywhere near.

There is one thing the Marina Bar & Grill has going for it that no other place can match: It is the only restaurant in the Gump actually on the river. You can eat and launch your boat at the Marina because it really is a working marina with gas pumps and a floating party room in the shape of a riverboat. If you can find it, it is somewhat of a destination restaurant.

So we at LITG are pulling for the new owners to make it at the Marina. We will visit again in a few weeks and see how they have improved. So what would Cap'n Pat say? "You spent too much time fixing up the place and not enough on the menu." But, he would say it with a sarcastic smile so you could not tell whether he was kidding and really proud. I think he would be proud.

Dumped in the Gump: Binion Burked by The Beast

He's under there somewhere...

Former Casino Magnate Suffocated by Hamburger Steak Smothered in Onions

(From wire reports)

MONTGOMERY--Leonard Theodore "Ted" Binion was found dead today in his home after apparently being "burked" by a oversized hamburger steak from local restaurant Sundown East appropriately named "The Beast." According to unnamed sources, Binion, former proprietor of the Horseshoe Casino, was in the witness protection program after testifying against members of an alleged crime family before Congress in 1988. Court records reflect that Binion plead guilty to falsifying federal food inspection reports to cop a plea deal with the FDA prior to being granted witness protection. He lived in secrecy in several cities after finally being moved to Montgomery where, according to sources, he foolishly broke protocol and began blogging under his real last name about local lunch spots. Investigators are interviewing the owners of Wintzell's and Corsinos concerning allegations that they may have tipped off those in Las Vegas with an axe to grind against Binion's turkeyneck after not so complimentary reviews appeared on the blog. The owners of Sundown East, from which "The Beast" emanated, have confirmed that one of their waitresses did not report to work the day of the discovery of the body and that one fully-cooked hamburger steak was unaccounted for. The waitress had recently undergone breast augmentation surgery so her absence was not unexpected, the owners said.

The medical examiner for Montgomery County released a statement confirming that Binion was found on his back in his kitchen smothered by a 2+ pound hamburger steak itself smothered in onions and gravy. A Harley-Davidson t-shirt, un-naturually streatched across the chest, was found at the scene soaked in gravy. According to the county coroner, "burking" is an obscure method of gangland murder designed to leave little evidence of a crime. It essentially involves drugging an individual and then placing a heavy object on their chest causing suffocation. "The Beast," aided by gravity, supplied the downward pressure that resulted in in aspyixiation, the examiner said. Here, however, the hamburger steak apparently did not flea.
Rumor has it that Binion was burked to make room for new contributors to a local underground blog that has gone viral: lunchinthegump.blogspot.com. An official for Blogspot confirmed that the "Lunch in the Gump" blog had become popular and that Blogspot rules appeared to limit the number of contributors to 10. According to this spokesperson, the Lunch in the Gump blog was at its capacity at the time of the demise of "Binion." The capactiy has since been increased to 100 due to the popularity of this blog, the spokesperson said. Local law enforcement officials refuse to confrim or deny whether any of the blog's contributors were suspects. One, Tojo Yamamoto, is a former professional wrestler who performed many faked acts of violence and had a "patented wrestling move" that simulated "burking." Yamamoto also jibed with Binion on posts found on the blog. However, unnamed friends say Tojo is thought to be a gentle giant and student of Zen incapable of performing real acts of violence. Another, Shadow Pup, is alleged to be an unabashed right-wagger said to be involved with underground "rescue" missions against governmental animal shelters. Shadow Pup refused to speak with representatives of the media.

Another theory is that federal agents discovered Binion's blogging activities and wisked him out of the city before he could be located by those that would do him harm. Just how the FBI would have been able to fake Binion's death is not known. But, according to local funeral homes, the body was not processed locally although the hamburger steak was creamated.

Binion is the second Lunch in the Gump contributor to die in as many months. Doyle B. Cooper, the famous 1970s hijacker of a 727 jet who bailed out at 10,000 feet from the rear door and was thought to be dead, apparently had been living in Montgomery for years and died here in October after an encounter with a rogue hotdog. He had been known as "Doyle B" on the popular lunch review blog.

Posters on the blog expressed sadness for Binion's passing and suggested that memorials be made to Binion's presumed charity of choice: The Make a Wishbone Foundation.