"The House" of Carp

(Transpositions considered but not intended)

Nice digs. Bad Carp.

Desperate for a quick change of pace, today I ventured with Bodiddly into "The House" at the Renaisance Hotel for a quick lunch off the "small plates" menu you see advertised on the I-85 billboard next to the billboard showing how much I won at Victoryland and the announcement of the birth of one of my illegitimate children at Jackson Hospital. I know I have not had much luck with the Bronner's "Green Roof" restaurant chain (see the review of the Commerce Cafe) but memories fade and hope springs eternal in the Gump in Spring.

Despite the slick advertising campaign, I was disappointed and my wallet lightened--which is not a pleasant combination. First, there was in fact no "small plates" menu offered for lunch. Second, the "Chef's Special" was the only thing under the Tojo line ($10) and it took too long to serve. Third, the food was not very good and it was too much of a carb-fest to maintain my girlish figure. Strike three and you're OUT-House (pun intended).

The special on Tuesday is chicken and andouille sausage jambalaya. I do not know what part of jambalaya refers to the rice versus the meat but if the "jamb" is the meat what I received was mostly "laya." In fact, trying to find a whole piece of "jamb" was very difficult. Really, the word "jamalaya" probably means "Hopping Johnny" in french or creole which, to me, might as well as meant "Hopping Crappie" in Carpeese. Basically the stuff tasted like Rice-A-Roni and it was no San Francisco treat. Really, Lunde's jambalaya is much better and much cheaper. Why didn't I go there instead? Too lazy to walk two blocks. Yes, I know, it's sad. And I could have used the wasted money to pay child support....NOT!

To make matters worse, after I had tried to eat the unremarkable corn, cold barely cooked fried green tomatoes and uncooked potatos, I was offered my favorite side order: cornbread! But, to my great disappointment, the spicy cornbread was the size and shape of large suppository and about the appropriate temperature for insertion. Eeech. Where is that Promise spread geckko when you need him?

Of course, the surroundings and the presentation (late though it was) were first class, as least from the standpoint of a trailer parker like myself: Little square bowl with square plates on a big square plate. It's just too bad the food wasn't all that good and also square. Here is what the food looked like (sorry, I had already devoured the suppository).

Not really a square meal.

Would I go back? Probably not for lunch. It is too dissappointing to eat overlooking Sa-Zas where people seem to be enjoying their better and cheaper meals.